get a load of this

Hey Peepers!  PEEPERS!  Peepers, get over here.  Get a load of this.

MOUSES!

Just look at 'em, Peepers.  Just look at 'em!  Just sittin' there on that branch with with their mouths hangin' open wide, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

You what?  You think they're what?  You happen to think they are cute?

MOUSES!

Peepers, Peepers, Peepers...  Peepers, you should know by now what cute is and what cute isn't.  I, Seville the Cat, am cute.  My brother Saffy Saffron Sassifras is cute, too.  Cat videos are cute.  Bunnies can be cute.  Not as cute as cats, mind you, but they can still be pretty cute.  Same thing applies to raccoons.

 BUT CROWS?

Crows are not cute.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

You think those crows are sittin' there on that branch with their mouths hangin' open like that 'cause they're waitin' for their mommas and poppas to feed 'em?

Well THAT'S not very cute.  It's actually kinda rude.

PLUS, those don't look like baby birdies to me.  They're really pretty big.  They look kinda full grown.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

They get big, you say?  Baby crows can get pretty big?  Baby crows are still bein' looked after by their parents even when they look almost full grown?

Really?

MOUSES!

But what's with the sittin' there with their mouths hangin' open bit?

Oh yeah, you said they were waitin' for their parents to feed 'em.

Hmmm...

But their parents aren't comin' and givin' them food.  Their PARENTS are sittin' there on another branch, just ignoring 'em.  So what's that all about, huh?  Got an explanation for that, ol' peep of mine?

They're tryin' to teach their young to fend for themselves, huh?  Encourage 'em to fly down and grab some nosh all on their own.

Hmmm...

Well, I still say sittin' there on a branch like that with their mouths open wide looks really kinda rude.  Plus, goodness knows what might fly into those wide open mouths.  Maybe a fly, maybe a wasp, maybe a...

And you know somethin', Peepers?  If Saffy or I were to sit there with our mouths hangin' open like that, you'd probably tell us to close our mouths, pronto.  'Cause it's rude.  And unattractive, for sure.  And...

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHIN' ELSE, PEEPERS?  Neither Saffy nor I have ever just sat there expectin' food to magically appear out of nowhere.  We're perfectly capable of findin' our own fuds, to be sure.

Peepers, why are you lookin' at me like that?  Are you mockin' me, ol' peep of mine?  Can that possibly be true?

Or are you just passin' some gas?

Bwahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!

My gosh I crack myself up.

MOUSES!

But seriously, Peepers, neither Saffy nor I have ever behaved like those birdies up there.

MOUSES!

Peepers!  PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!

Peepers, I'm feelin' a tad peckish, over here.

You know, a few treats would be good.

Could you bring 'em a little closer?  Could you bring those treats over to me?

Yeah, right over here.  Right here by my paws.  Actually, just hold 'em up in front of me and I'll 'em out of your hand.

You know, so I don't have to strain myself by walkin' over to you or bendin' over to eat 'em from the floor.

Come on Peepers.  Hurry up with the treats.  I'm sittin' here, practically droolin', like a cat who hasn't seen fuds in all his nine lives.

And would you look at that.  Those crows are still sittin' there on that branch with their mouths hangin' open, wide.

You'd never see a cat doin' anythin' like that.

MOUSES!

oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Hey Peepers!  There's someone wantin' to see you at the back door.

What do you MEAN you're not expectin' anybody?  I wasn't expectin' anyone, either, but I still went to the door to see who was squawkin'.  And since I wasn't expectin' anyone, when I saw this guy at the door, my first response was to tell him to get lost.

So I did.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN tellin' guys at the door to get lost is bein' rude?  What do you mean?  It's not like YOU'VE never told someone waitin' at the door to bugger off, you know.  I've seen you do it.  MORE THAN ONCE.

Although you probably used nicer words.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, I told this guy to get lost, but he paid absolutely no attention to me.  He's still out there waitin' for you.

AND HE'S NOT WEARIN' A MASK, EITHER, SO BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

Gotta look out for my peep.

Oh, and Peepers?  Ummm...  Uh, if he happens to complain 'bout my throwin' a shoe at him, pay no attention to that.  That's nothin' but a lie, that is.  Nothin' but a lie!

It was merely a slipper.

MOUSES!

That reminds me; I must remember to ask Santa to bring Peepers a new pair of slippers for Christmas.

MOUSES!

So um...  What did he want?

What do you MEAN there was no one waitin' outside the door?  What do you mean?  He was there just a minute a go.

I'll be right back.

A cat has gotta do everythin' himself, 'round here.

MOUSES!

He's still there, all right.  You must be goin' blind.  Peepers, you need Santa to bring you a new pair of glasses, this year?  I'm writin' my letter to him this week so if you like, I can tack that onto the list.

AHHH...  That explains your not seein' him.  Well, that and your general lack of observational skills.  The guy is still standin' out there, Peepers, but he's not standin' on the mat.  Come with me and I can point him out.

There, Peepers.  There!  The guy is standin' right there.

No, not there.  THERE!  Look up.  Look way, way up.  Well not so far up that you're lookin' into the sky.  Just far enough up so that you're lookin' at the top of the fence.  See?  THERE!

Well yeah, that's the guy.  That there big ol' crow is the guy who has been at the back door, squawkin' up a storm 'bout his needin' a word with you.

No, he didn't call you by name.  But he sure as mouses wasn't wantin' to speak to me.

Least not after I threw that ol' shoe.

I MEAN, SLIPPER!

But all that aside, he's not wantin' to talk to me.  He's wantin' to talk to you, Peepers.  Like I said, he didn't call you by name but he did give a good description.  The silly ol' sod who fills the bird feeders, is what he said.  Oh, and something 'bout funny lookin' hair.

OBVIOUSLY, he's talkin' about you.

My fur is anythin' but funny.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, apparently you forgot to put bird food out back, this mornin', and the birds are anythin' but pleased.  In fact, that's why one of 'em is standin' out there at our back door wantin' to have a word in your ear.

Word...  Talk...  Squawk...  Whatever.

So I suggest you go do something about that.

And maybe first run a comb through that hair?

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

forty-nine weeks

Oh Peee-prrrssss.....

OH PEEE-PRRRSSSS....

HEY PEEPERS!  Get over here.  I've got somethin' to tell ya.

MOUSES!

Peepers, see that crow out there on the rail?

I SAID, SEE THAT CROW OUT THERE ON THE RAIL?

Why am I yellin'?  Well I'm yellin' on account of my wonderin' if you've gone deaf or somethin'.  You know, on account of your not runnin' in here THE FIRST time I called out to you, like a good peep would do.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, now that I've got your attention: See that crow out there on the rail?  He's sittin' there wantin' you to feed him.

I KNOW you put food out on the landin' by the back door.  Crow knows that, too, as a matter of fact.  But Mr Crow can't be bothered to swoop down and eat that food you put out by the back door.  MR CROW wants you to trudge through the snow, out to the ol' oak tree out back.  He wants you to put his food out there.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE HE LIKES TO EAT, IS WHY.

Some peeps.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, Mr Crow is wonderin' why you're not puttin' on your boots and trudgin' through the snow.

I KNOW Mr Crow is perfectly capable of flyin', AND I KNOW it's a whole lot easier for Mr Crow to fly than for you to make your way through the snow.  Crow knows that, too, as a matter of fact.  BUT MR CROW STILL WANTS you to take his food out to the ol' oak tree out back.  You know, where he likes to eat.

Look, you can even take him some of Saffron's kibble.  It's okay.  It's fine by me.

I AM TOO BEIN' GENEROUS.  Fact is, I'm pretty sure Saffron's stash of the kibble is actually comin' from MY stash of the kibble, so when I offer up her kibble, I am, in fact, offerin' mine.

MOUSES!

So when are you goin' out there to feed that ol' crow?

DON'T JUST PUT MORE FOOD OUT BY THE BACK DOO...

Oh.  How come you stopped yourself from puttin' more food out at the back door?  You start listenin' to me, for once?

'Bout time.

MOUSES!

'Cause he hadn't touched the stuff you put out there for him, before.

Well isn't that what I TOLD you, Peepers?  Didn't I TELL you Mr Crow didn't want to eat at the back door?  Didn't I?  Huh?  HUH?  HUH?

Of course I did.

MOUSES!

*a little while later*

You know, Peepers, you shouldn't give in to that ol' crow like that.  Just 'cause he wants to eat over by the ol' oak tree out back, doesn't mean you should get on your coat and boots and trudge through all that snow.  He's perfectly capable of flyin' down and eatin' by the back door.  And if he's hungry enough, that's exactly what he'll do.

Mr Crow has obviously trained you well.

Probably on account of all those classes I've been givin' the birds on peep trainin', these last few...  Did I say few?  These last two hundred and sixty-six million, seven hundred and sixteen thousand, eight hundred cat seconds, of this ol' pandemic thing.

What?  A cat isn't entitled to start up a few extra avenues of income durin' quarantine?

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

cock of the walk

So this mornin', I was sittin' at my desk, wonderin' what I should blog about today.  Should I blog about those two long-haired marmie freak brothers of mine?  Should I blog about my two butter-wouldn't-melt-in-their-mouths, meddlin' sisters?  Or should I blog about my weird and not-so-wonderful peeps?

HMMM...

Well I thought about it.

Then I thought about it some more.

I thought, and I thought, and I thought.

And then, WITH A GREAT FLASH OF LIGHT, it came to me.

Okay, so there were no actual flashes of light.

MOUSES!

BUT, at that very moment, I did happen to look up from my desk.  And there, struttin' down the driveway like he owned the joint, was...

A crow.

Could you believe it?

That's what I said: A CROW!  And he was walkin' instead of flyin', too.

Actually, he was struttin'.  Like I said, he was struttin' around like he owned the joint.  He must have thought he was the cock of the walk, for sure.

MOUSES!

You ever notice that when crows walk, or strut, or whatever it is that they do, they're not the most graceful of birds?  They're not the most graceful of beings, at all.  They kinda bob their heads backwards and forwards, and up and down, like they're peckin' at invisible seed in the air.

It's kinda weird, actually.

MOUSES!

Nope, they have no grace, AT ALL, while walkin'.

Unlike us cats.

CRASH!!!

Okay, so unlike most of us cats, I should say.

WHAT DID YOU BREAK THIS TIME, ANDY?

Seriously, my friends, I don't even know why I even bother askin', anymore.  I've lost track of the number of things Andy has run in...

CRASH!!!

And there he goes again.

MOUSES!

But like I was sayin' before, crows don't walk with the grace of us cats.

Yeah.  Right.  That's what I was sayin' before Andy went and proved me wrong, AGAIN.

Of course, it's not entirely his fault.  His paws ARE the size of snowshoes.  Snowshoes belongin' to a Sasquatch, that is.

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, that brother of mine has the grace of a...  A...  A...

HMMM...

Never mind.

MOUSES!

Rushy is much more graceful when he walks.

Of course, that's not sayin' much.  It's not like the bar was set all that high with Andy.

CRASH!!!

If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was doin' it on purpose.

And the peep wonders why we go through so many dishes.

MOUSES!

Of course, if the peep were smart, she wouldn't keep buyin' the kind of plates we can break.

CRASH!!!

On second thought, that up and down, backwards and forwards head bobbin' crow, struttin' down my driveway like he owned the joint this mornin', is soundin'' more and more graceful by the minute.

CRASH!!!

Oh for the love of mouses, what WILL he break next?