psst... CAT!

"Don't mind if I do!" I said, swipin' the piece of cheese out of Rushton's paw and gobbling it down, myself. "You're lactose intolerant, remember? Cheese contains lactose so you're not supposed to eat it.  I'm helpin' you out by takin' that cheese and before you say anything about my bein' lactose intolerant, too, remember that I'm not as intolerant as you."

I watched as my brother stomped away, angrily muttering about degrees of intolerance.  Then it was off' to the family room for me.  Time for a little nip mouse indulgence before bedtime.

"Psst....  CAT!"

"MOUSES!"  Yeah, seriously, right before my eyes there stood a mouse.  There was a mouse in my house.  He was looking at me in a weird kind of way but since he was a mouse, I assumed it to be his natural look.  Rollin' over, I went back to sleep.

"Psst...  CAT!" and I felt someone tugging on my whiskers.  "Wake up, cat.  Your assistance is required."

I opened one eye.  The mouse was still there.  I opened the other eye.  Yup, that mouse wasn't goin' anywhere.  Rising from my favourite napping spot de jour, I let out a big yawn.  The mouse cowered in fear.  Guess he thought I was gonna eat him or somethin'.  Instead, I just asked him what he wanted.

"Do you remember me, Sir?  Nerissa the Cat, Sir?  M1 is my name.  We met last year during all that nastiness regarding the great cheese conspiracy and those issues with the Canadian Cheese Consortium."

I nodded in recollection.  "Yup, I remember that.  You ever deal with that rat, The Big Cheese?"

"He's not a rat," answered M1.  He's really just a mouse like the rest of us although if you were to ask him, he'd probably disagree.  He does think rather highly of himself.  Thinks he's better than the rest of us, you see.  Doesn't realise he's just a mouse like you and me.  Well, like me," and I detected a slight flush of pink spreading across M1's cheeks.

M1 sat down and pulled out a ledger.  Pawing it over, I immediately saw the problem.  "MOUSES! That rat - I mean, mouse - is up to no good.  What's he playin' at now?" I questioned, although truth be told, I already had my answer.  "Take me to The Big Cheese, M1.  He's got some explainin' to do, for sure."

Just as before, M1 led me into my kitchen where space and time had morphed in weird and wonderful ways and the room that had once been the kitchen had turned into a great hall filled with tiny little mouse-sized chairs.  In each chair sat a mouse.  No, wait a minute.  Some of the chairs were empty.  I gazed around the room, counting the empty chairs.  Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen... "MOUSES!" I cried.  "It's true, you are missin' sixteen mice.  Now I just wanna point out that I had nothin' to do with that.  I filled up on cheese before visitin'."

M1 tapped me on the paw.  "Don't worry, Nerissa.  No one is blaming you.  We all know what really happened to the missing mice."

And I knew as well for I had carefully read the ledger M1 had previously shown me.  The missing mice had simply disappeared, one after another.  Some had retired.  Others, resigned.  They all had their reasons for leaving but after leaving, in order to keep the predestined balance of the Consortium...  well...  balanced, those mice should have been replaced.  Apparently, the great hall was experiencing a mouse shortage.  Who knew that was even possible?

I padded softly through the chamber, stopping where I could easily be seen by all.  I flicked my tail and accidentally took out one of the front row seats.  "Sorry 'bout that.  Room's a little small for a cat, if you know what I mean."  A number of mice snickered, nervously.

"Now bring me The Big Cheese," I demanded.

Several mice appeared before me, dragging a gigantic wheel of Gouda.

"Not that big cheese," I cried. "Although...  hold on a minute there.  I'll just have a little bite..."

The mice scattered.

"Not a bite of you.  Mouses you mice are a sensitive lot.  I'll just take a little bite of that cheese."

It was delicious.

Then before me appeared the mouse with the steely blue eyes and exceptionally long tail, otherwise known as The Big Cheese.  He narrowed his eyes and asked, "What do you want, cat?"

"That's Nerissa the Cat, to you, buddy.  We have to have a little talk about the sixteen missing members of the Cheese Consortium.  My question is, why are they missing?"

"You're asking me about missing mice?  Me?  A little ol' mouse?  REALLY?  Shouldn't you be asking your fellow cats where all the mice have gone?"

I lay down before The Big Cheese, striking my very best sphinx pose.  "Cats had nothing to do with those missing mice, my friend.  Don't try playin' cat and mouse games with me.  That's a game that never ends well for the mouse."  I let out a low growl and The Big Cheese looked furtively about the room, looking for somewhere to hide.  I grabbed him by the tail and held on.  The stink of Gorgonzola permeated the air about him.  He seriously needed to start eatin' more Cheddar.

"Now listen up, buddy.  I've seen the ledgers belonging to the Canadian Cheese Consortium and I know what you're doing.  Several of the cheese divisions are lackin' in representation.  I thought you liked appointing members to the Consortium.  Even goin' so far as to appoint mice who weren't even qualified to represent the divisions they were supposed to be representin'."

"That's true, I did.  But that was then and this is now.  Unfortunately, some of the mice I appointed caused some trouble.  So I thought to myself, why appoint any at all?  Things in the Consortium are going very nicely for me.  They're running quite smoothly.  Gorgonzola production is up.  Means of transporting the Gorgonzola are being worked out.  No one here has even tried to stop me.  The Consortium is working exactly as it should."

I narrowed my eyes and stared directly at the little mouse known as The Big Cheese.  "We talked about this the last time I visited, remember?  The Consortium doesn't serve you.  It serves the mice of Mouseland.  All of them.  Not just the Gorgonzola lovers.  Without equal representation, the Consortium cannot possibly work as it should.  It cannot and is not.  Somethin' needs to be done about that."

The Big Cheese narrowed his eyes and peered right at me.  Pompously puffing out his chest he said, "The Consortium is working exactly as I wish for it to work."

That's when I realised that what M1 had said earlier was true.  The Big Cheese had begun to think far too highly of himself.  He was nothin' more than a mouse and yet, for some reason, he thought he was the chosen one or somethin'.  Like he was better than the rest of the mice.  Clearly, The Big Cheese had gone squirrely.  I watched as he stuffed some more Gorgonzola into his mouth.

"Listen up, mouse," I began.  "I'm puttin' you on notice.  That's right, I, Nerissa the Cat, am puttin' you, The Big Cheese, on notice.  Either you make sure that all four divisions of the Canadian Cheese Consortium are represented equally or I will make it happen, myself."

"What are you going to do, cat?  Take over the Consortium?" and The Big Cheese grinned.

"It's a thought," I replied.  Our eyes met.  "If cats were to take over the Canadian Cheese Consortium..."

The Big Cheese tried to step back but I still had hold of his tail.  "Cats can't..." he sputtered.

"Cats can't what, Mr. Cheese?"

The Big Cheese cowered.

"Like I said, either you make sure all four divisions of the Consortium are fairly and equally represented or I will make it happen, for you."  Letting go of his tail, I turned to leave but not before adding, "And do somethin' about your breath, would you?  You're stinkin' of cheese.  MOUSES!"

"Mice," I heard, whispered in unison as those darned grammar mice of the great hall explained, "The plural of mouse, is mice."

MOUSES!

a mouse in the house!

BREAKING NEWS...   We interrupt our previously scheduled blog post to bring you this late-breaking news.

THERE'S A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE!

Uh actually...  no.  It was a chipmunk. MOUSES!

Sit back, put your paws up and let me tell you what happened, at my house, yesterday afternoon.

Glancing over into the family room as I entered the house through the little kitchen window the peeps so thoughtfully leave open for us cats in the summer, I saw my two peeps enjoyin' some tea while watchin' somethin' on the news.  I'm assuming it was tea.  Perhaps nip tea but I don't know for sure. But probably not.  Probably just the plain ol' regular stuff.  They like it with milk.  I personally like the milk but will pass on the tea.

Anywho...  I know that Peep #1 saw me comin' inside as I heard her sigh loudly sayin', "Oh no..."  I smiled to myself.  YES!  She must see what I am carryin' in my mouth.

I suppose I shouldn't have smiled 'cause that was what likely caused Mr. Chippy to fall from my mouth, onto the floor.  Next thing I knew, Mr. Chippy was racin' into the family room to tell the peeps on me.

"Too late!" I cried to Mr. Chippy.  "Peeps already know 'bout you.  First peep saw me bringing you inside."

Apparently however, Ol' Peepers did NOT know 'bout how Mr. Chippy was still alive.  That would be about the time when all you-know-what broke loose.  You-know-what brought to you by the letters 'h' and 'e' along with a couple of hockey sticks.

The first peep was up like a flash and barkin' instructions to Peep #2.  "I need the bathroom waste paper basket...  EMPTY!" she hollared as she raced into the kitchen to grab a couple of paper towels.  Back she came into the family room, paper towels in paw.  I stood guard at the family room entrance way, makin' sure Mr. Chippy didn't get out.

Mr. Chippy was EVERYWHERE.  Did you know that chipmunks can climb walls?  Apparently, they can.  They can jump pretty high, too.  I watched as Mr. Chippy climbed up onto the big chair, ran across the windowsills, ran over the couch, investigated the whole area around the fireplace, inspected the plants around said fireplace, checked out my kitty condo next to the television and then repeated this entire routine at least one more time.  I watched as the peep hopelessly tried to catch Mr. Chippy but quite frankly, she is just not as quick on her feet as I on my paws.

Twice, I thought she almost had him.  While over by the fireplace, Peep #1 had Mr. Chippy cornered. I thought she was gonna get him for sure but he jumped up onto her arm, ran up it and over her shoulder and then leapt onto the chesterfield, causin' the peep to spin 'round madly like a spinnin' top that was out of control.

Over by the kitty condo, he was runnin' along the windowsill and this time, I figured the peep would get him for sure. The windowsill isn't all that long and the peep can easily reach from one end to the other so really, how could she not catch him?  Fact is, chippies are quick. Too quick for peeps.  Mr. Chippy again jumped onto the peep's arm and used it like a divin' board before soarin' across the room to freedom.  MOUSES!

At this point, Peep #1 was thinkin' that the second peep was takin' an awfully long time gettin' that waste paper basket so she went to do it herself but at that moment, Peep #2 was in fact returnin' with said basket.  Peep #1 snatched the basket from the second peep's paw.

I continued to stand guard by the family room entrance but I must have looked away for just a moment 'cause when Peep #1 returned, Mr. Chippy was nowhere in sight.

Peep #1 looked high and low for Mr. Chippy but to no avail.  She even asked me if I could find him so I motioned to her to look over by the bathroom.  That's when she saw my seventeen-year-old Auntie Primrose standin' by the bathroom door, gettin' ready to pounce.  MOUSES!

The first peep was there in a flash.  She shooed Auntie Primrose away from the door and closed it behind her.  Surely in such tight quarters, the peep would be able to catch that ol' chippy chipmunk. I had my paws crossed for the peep but to tell you the truth, it could have gone either way.  Peeps just aren't that great at catchin' chippies, you know?

I did not witness the actual goings on in the bathroom however, I am told that durin' the ten minutes or so in which the peep was in there with the chipmunk, Mr. Chippy ran across our litter box numerous times, ran around the toilet, attempted to hide in the radiator thingies that heat the room and caused the peep to once again, spin madly 'round like a spinnin' top out of control.

After waitin' for what seemed like an eternity, I watched as Peep #1 finally emerged from the bathroom.  She was victorious.  Inside the waste paper basket was the chipmunk.

You know, I'll NEVER understand peeps.  After puttin' in all that effort to catch Mr. Chippy in the first place, Peep #1 then took him outside - still in the basket - and let him go.  MOUSES!  She says she heard him squeak out a cry of gratitude as he ran from the basket and up a tree but really, I'm thinkin' it was more likely to have been a cry of relief after experiencin' the craziness of my peeps.

Anywho...  About an hour later, the peep was sittin' in MY office, borrowin' MY computer when she looked up and saw me headin' up the driveway with a chipmunk hangin' from my mouth.  Can we all say, Groundhog Day?  MOUSES!

I was intercepted outside, never gettin' the chance to bring Mr. Chippy II indoors.  I took him over to the ladybug hedge and sat down with him.  I wanted to explain how I would bring him inside as soon as the peeps weren't watchin' and then introduce him to the family.  Seville and Mason arrived on the scene and I began to make introductions but then...

Then the next thing I knew it was rainin' although the rain was extremely localised and it was highly likely that said rain had somethin' to do with the garden hose bein' held in Peep #1's paws.  Mr. Chippy took that very moment to make his exit and before I knew it he was climbin' up a maple tree to freedom.

Word on the street is that all the chippies have been talkin' about the craziness of my peeps.  How they'll catch you in a waste paper basket only to let you go later on and then make it rain on you, causin' your tail to get wet along with the tails belongin' to certain kitties such as myself.

Those chippies are also sayin' that my peeps are super rude on account that I had invited Mr. Chippy over for dinner but Mr. Chippy was never even served a snack, never mind a meal and what's more, he was never truly welcomed by the peeps.  Clearly, I've got a couple of pretty rude peeps on my paws.  Crazy, I knew about.  The rudeness aspect however, was news to me.  In fact, it was BREAKING NEWS, if you know what I mean.  MOUSES!