First we had the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020. Remember that one? There was nary a roll of TP to be found.
Not that I cared, mind you. I mean, as a cat, I don't use toilet paper all that much. Oh sure, I like to rip apart a roll, leavin' bits and pieces all over the bathroom floor as much as the next cat, but it's not like I use it to wipe myself after usin' the little boys' box.
As long as the unavailability of toilet paper didn't mean peeps would be resortin' to usin' litter and my litter boxes, the ol' TP shortage didn't affect me.
Then came the Toilet Paper Wars. Yup, you heard right. Rightly? Whatever.
Anyway, just like the Toilet Paper Shortage, the Toilet Paper Wars of 2020 also didn't affect me. Peeps everywhere were fightin' over the few remainin' packages of TP on store shelves. Playin' tug of war like two dogs wantin' the same chew toy, they were, willin' to tackle each other to the floor, and over rolls of TP.
After the business with the toilet paper, other shortages ensued: paw sanitiser, disinfectant wipes, stuff like that. Again, none of this affected me for as a cat, I don't use any of these things. Never have; never will.
And when peeps weren't busy cleanin' stuff, apparently, they were bakin'. Bakin' bread and cakes and things. Flour and yeast were swept off the shelves like beach umbrellas by a tsunami. Thankfully, again, this did not affect me.
But then came the Great Yarn Shortage of 2020. Peeps everywhere were buyin' up yarn like it was goin' out of style. They must have been, for one day I sent Peepers out to buy me some yarn to make nip mice, but she came home empty-pawed late that evenin'. Not a ball of yarn on the shelves, she said.
Now this - THIS - was important to me.
Thankfully, Peepers has a stash of yarn here at home. She doesn't know I know where it is - and don't you go tellin' her I do - but I've seen it myself and I know it exists.
And now there is a shortage of thread.
Can you believe it?
It's true. There's not a spool of thread on the store shelves.
Well truth be told, Peepers only went to the one store, so I don't know how widespread this shortage is, but still...
WILL THE SHORTAGE OF THREAD MEAN A SHORTAGE OF BIFF BAGS, TOO?
As a nip-lovin' cat, I go through biff bags like peeps go through socks, you see.
Okay, perhaps that's a poor analogy. Most peeps go through socks a lot more quickly than I go through biff bags, if I'm gonna be honest. But I'm sure there are SOME peeps out there who don't change their socks on a daily basis. Now I definitely go through biff bags more quickly than than they change their dirty socks.
The thing is, to make a biff bag, one needs thread.
But the thread shelves are bare!
What? What's that, Peepers? What's that you're babblin' on about now?
Correction: The thread shelves are bare of only white thread. There are plenty of other colours, she says.
But I'm not havin' the peep make my biff bags with uncoordinated colours of thread.
No sirree. I'm not sniffin' pink and green cotton biff bags sewn up with bright purple or orange thread. Or turquoise, or fuchsia, or any other colour that doesn't go.
THERE ISN'T ENOUGH NIP IN THE WORLD TO GET ME NIPPED UP ENOUGH TO TOLERATE ANYTHIN' LIKE THAT.
I, Seville the Cat, am a cat with taste. I have fashion sense, I do. I have my own style! I know the difference between tasteful and garish, and garish biff bags are not for me, you see.
Uncoordinated biff bags...
WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMIN' TO?
It seems to me, that durin' the last one hundred and forty-six million, nine hundred and sixty-six thousand, four hundred cat seconds of this pandemic thing, peeps have started up a whole lot of bad habits. Bad habits like usin' too much yarn and thread for ridiculously useless things, and not keepin' in mind that such commodities need to be saved for IMPORTANT things like the knittin' of nipmice and sewin' of biff bags.
PEEPS NEED TO START GETTIN' THEIR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.
IF IN DOUBT,
DON'T. GO. OUT.
Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures
AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.
Remember to mask up, too.
Remember to mask up, too.