Sunday, 20 May 2018

blackmail

I sat at my desk, starin' at the computer.  Beads of sweat ran down my forehead and onto my cheeks before inching their way along my handsome whiskers.

Drip.  Drip.  Drip.

I glanced downward, makin' sure my perspiration wasn't drippin' onto the keyboard.

What was I gonna to do?

Almost four hundred dollars in bit coins.  That was their demand.  Did I have four hundred dollars in my froggy bank?  I didn't think so.  Could I get that amount by sellin' nip?  Probably not.  At least not in a few hours.  Peep #1 said my nip plants had to grow a lot bigger before harvestin'.

WHAT WAS I GONNA DO?

I wiped a tear from my eye.  And then another.  And then one more.

WHAT WAS I GONNA DO?

I peered more closely at the screen before me.

Upon receiving cash I will destroy dirt on you and you would never again heard about me.

The bloggin' kitty in me immediately started to correct the blackmailer's lousy grammar.  I'll correct it and send it back, I thought, before I stopped myself short.  The blackmailer was after money, I realised, not tutoring in English.  Although goodness knows some English tutorin' was SERIOUSLY needed.

MOUSES!

Three hundred and ninety-nine dollars.  They might as well have asked for a million.

MOUSES!

I studied the blackmailer's e-mail address.  It wasn't one I recognised, and that was for sure.  Ganhard blah blah blah at bol dot com.  BOL stood for Bark Out Loud.  That was doggy-speak.  Was I bein' blackmailed by a dog?

MOUSES!

Nah, I had lots of doggy pals, and there wasn't a blackmailer in the pack.  This was much more likely the work of the Weasel Syndicate, for sure.  Weasels impersonatin' dogs.  Now that I could believe.

MOUSES!

They had dirt on me.  Dirty pictures, they said.  Pictures of me nekkid, they were gonna post all over the Internet.

AND they knew all my social media accounts, too.  Every single one.  I gulped, hard.  Would I be wakin' up to pictures of me nekkid all over Facebook tomorrow mornin'?  All over Twitter, too?

WHAT WAS I GONNA DO?

"PEEEE-PRRRRSSSSSSSSS....."  I cried.  "Peepers!  I'm in desperate need of your help."

The peep came runnin'.  Well hobblin', actually, for she managed to stub a toe while racing into the room.

"Peepers, I need four hundred dollars, and I NEED IT RIGHT NOW."

The peep looked confused, although to be honest, no more confused than her usual look.  MOUSES!

"Look!" and I pointed to the e-mail still up on the screen.  "I have until 6:40 this evenin'.  If I don't pay the money into their Bitcoin Wallet by then, they're gonna completely ruin my reputation, for sure.  MOUSES!"

The peep's look of confusion grew even deeper, if you can believe.

"See?  Peepers, are you payin' attention?  PEEPERS!  Pay attention to me.  I need to send this Ganhard heir o' de casa guy $399 by this evenin'.  I'm desperate, Peepers.  DESPERATE, I say.  I can pay you back.  Honestly.  Maybe.  Kinda.  Perhaps in a very-small-instalments-over-a-number-of-years kinda way."

"What's an heir o' de casa?" the peep asked.

"I don't know, it's part of his e-mail address."

The peep furrowed her brow.

"Peepers, please don't make me beg.  PLEASE don't.  Beggin' is not becomin' of a cat.  PLEASE...."

Liftin' me into her arms, the peep sat down at the desk, and read the offendin' e-mail from beginnin' to end.  "They have pictures of you naked," she said.

"I KNOW!" I cried in despair.  "And they're gonna post 'em all over my social media if I can't get my paws on the money I need."

"But Seville, you post naked pictures of yourself all the time.  You're a cat.  You don't wear clothes.  You don't even wear a collar!"

"I KNOW!" I cried more loudly.  "And they're gonna post 'em...  Oh," I interrupted myself.  "Ohhh..." and realisation finally dawned.  "So you mean..."

The peep nodded.

"Oh.  Well that's kinda stupid of 'em, don't you think?  You're right, my pals have seen me nekkid MILLIONS of times.  More nekkid pictures won't come as a surprise.  Even nekkid pictures of those two long-haired freaky marmie brothers of mine, after their havin' lion cuts, wouldn't exactly be indecent.  Well...  Well not really.  Not quite.  Close, but you know...  Nothin' too bad, I suppose.  Certainly nothin' illegal."

The peep smiled.

"Looks like I won't be needin' that money after all, Peepers.  I think I'll just let this one slide.  If they wanna post pictures of me on the Internet, they can post all they like," and I smiled the smile of a Cheshire Cat.

The peep got up.  She started to hobble away.

"DON'T STUB ANOTHER TOE ON THE WAY OUT"  I helpfully cried.

Sittin' back at my desk, I read the e-mail once more.  "Threatenin' to post nekkid pictures of me," I laughed.  "Of me, Seville the Cat.  What will these scammers think of next?  And IMAGINE their thinkin' they could get money from me.  MOUSES!"

"Oohhh..." I whistled.  "But THAT'S interestin', isn't it?" and I looked more closely at the screen on the computer.  "Well gosh golly darn be, would ya look at that."


I thought for a moment.  Then thought a bit more.  "OH PEEEE-PRRRRSSSSSSSSS....." I yelled, and waited for her return.

"Hey Peepers, funny thing.  It turns out, this here ol' blackmail e-mail wasn't for me, after all.  It appears to have been addressed to YOU."

"What?" the peep gasped.

"Peepers," I grinned, "what did you get up to on World Nekkid Gardenin' Day, huh?  Huh?  WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO?  And who the mouses was takin' your picture?"

MOUSES!

43 comments:

  1. Haha, well good thing We here at Serenity read to the end. Just have to say , we have shared your story Seville so your nekkidness is out there for sure. Do hope your Peep survives the blackmail though, nekkid gardening day eh?

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    1. Turns out, MY nekkidness is nothin' to worry 'bout, but the peep's? MOUSES!

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  2. HAHAHAHA!!!! Funniest post EVER!

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    1. Awww... Thank you, my friends. THANK YOU! I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it. PURRS.

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  3. MOUSES! Now THAT makes a world of difference, doesn't it, Sivvers! MOL MOL MOL!

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    1. It sure does! Quite a relief for me. The peep, not so much. MOUSES!

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  4. All that worrying for nothing Seville. Now your Peep on the other hand, she might have something to worry about, or not. If she's like me, I would be too cheap to pay the blackmail. I would be like, "go ahead posts pictures of my nudie bum, I'm going to buy myself 400 tacos with the money that I'm not paying you". ;)

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    1. 400 tacos... 800 tins of the fanciest of the feast... Second choice might be better. PURRS.

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  5. Well, that would explain a garden full of blooms Seville!

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  6. Oh Seville your so funny and handsome too.

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    1. You find me handsome? Even in my nekkidness? PURRS.

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  7. MOL! It really is good to be a cat isn't it.

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    1. It sure is. Can you imagine havin' to wear clothes all the time? MOUSES!

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  8. Oh my word, I know I shouldn't laugh, but this was brilliant.... Of course there is a serious side to this too, I mean how are you, Seville, going to cover the peeps indiscretion? Or hold your head up high around town? Mrs H suggested maybe increasing nip leaf production might be one solution. I'm not entirely certain she is aware how difficult that could be. MOL
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

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    1. It's not nip leaf production I need to increase. I'm gonna have to increase nip leaf CONSUMPTION, for sure. Yeah, I'm gonna have to CONSUME A LOT OF NIP in order to live this down. MOUSES!

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  9. Replies
    1. Peep #1 should be more careful when she's gardenin'. MOUSES!

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  10. What a story ! You have a very interesting life !

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  11. Hari Om
    OMC Seville... that was a narrow escape... Hugs and whiskeries, YAM-aunty xxx

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    1. It sure was. Well, at least for me. MOUSES!

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  12. I was worrying for you as well Seville. Of course I should have known you wouldn't be getting up to something you shouldn't. As for the peeps.......

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    1. Peeps. You never know WHAT kinda mischief they might get into. MOUSES!

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  13. Oh dear me! What a relief that you don’t have to sell all your catnip for blackmail money! Mol. But now the peeps, on the other hand! Seville you are so funny! 😹

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    1. I know! I NEED that nip. The peep can sell her stupid lettuce plants. No one cares 'bout them. MOUSES!

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  14. BOL!!! I say it serves your peepers right, gardening out there in her birthday suit! She better scarf up some bitcoin....or pray they got a good angle in those photos of her LOL!!
    Love & biscuits,
    Dogs Luv Us and We Luv Them

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    1. She's gonna have to pray REALLY hard. MOUSES!

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  15. MOL! That blackmailer ought to pay YOU money for your naked photos! As for your peep for any escapade on World Naked Gardening Day, we aren't at liberty to say, and thankful our Mom didn't give in to her thoughts of baring all!

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    1. You think peeps might pay money for pictures of me nekkid?

      Hmmm...

      I could buy more nip with that money.

      MOUSES!

      Delete
  16. Bwahahahahahaha. What a hoot.

    I linked this post to Awww Mondays.

    Have a purrfect day. My best to your peeps. ♥

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  17. MOL! That scammer wasn't as dumb as you thought!

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  18. MOL ! But what about your peeps now ? Purrs

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  19. Brilliantly told! Now I wonder what the peep is going to do about it.

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  20. Seville!! If we all looked as good naked as you do with your gorgeous orange fur we'd all be gardening naked!!

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  21. These blackmailers make me want to laugh, except that they do a lot of damage to people who pay them.

    Great story!

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  22. Oh my! I was on the edge of my chair reading about your ordeal until the end. Lol what a twist if fate indeed! I didn't see that coming. LOL

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  23. So funny, and cute! And Seville, you have the best catchphrase ever - MOUSES! OK, maybe it wasn't supposed to be cute, but I guess being a cat... just can't help yourself can you?

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  24. I'm surprised you didn't offer Rushton or Andy up as a trade for keeping the pictures private. As a peep myself, I hate when things are turned back on me like it happened to yours!

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  25. MOL! We hope the peeper has some bitcoins ready.

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  26. I was going to tell you that you look good Good luck to the peep :)

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  27. So, Severs, I guess your momma has a bit of nakkedness going on with her green thumb? Tee hee hee! I sure hope I don't see any nakkedness of my humans in the garden. That is an image that would be hard to erase out of my memory and could be traumatizing.

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I love hearin' from my pals. I really, REALLY do. PURRS.