Hold still, Peepers. Hold still!
Uhhh... Just checkin' somethin'.
I SAID, I'm just checkin' somethin'. Now hold still.
Hold still, I told you. Boy-oh-boy, a cat tells a peep to hold still, and what does a peep do? Pretty much everythin' but.
PEEPERS! If you're gonna insist on movin' about like that, don't complain to me when...
Lookie here, Peepers, like I said, I'm just checkin' somethin'.
What am I checking, you ask?
Well I'm checkin' to see if you have whiskers. So far I haven't found any, but I'm not yet done checkin'. I still haven't looked at the other side of your face.
Well if you weren't movin' your head about like a spinning top, my claws wouldn't be scratchin' you now, would they. It's not a question, Peepers. It's a statement of fact.
I'm tellin' ya, it's like workin' with a bobble head doll or somethin'.
Hmmm... Okay, so it looks like you don't have any whiskers. Actually, that's pretty much the result I was expectin'. After all, you don't have fur on your arms and legs, either.
Well OF COURSE I've checked your arms and legs for fur. I check stuff like that out daily.
No it's not. It's not creepy at all. If you wanna hear somethin' creepy, yesterday I...
Uhhh... On second thought, never mind 'bout that.
So anyway, you're probably wonderin' as to why I was checkin' to see if you have whiskers. The thing is, Peepers, the other day, I was thinking 'bout how you're supposed to be like my mum, right? I mean, I don't know my cat mum, so that kinda makes you my mum. But the thing is...
WELL WE DON'T LOOK ANYTHIN' ALIKE!
No Peepers, we don't. For starters, you're not nearly as cute as me. You're not really cute at all, whereas I, Seville the Cat, am adorable. But you? Eh... Not so much.
Also, there's the fur thing. Peepers, you're pretty much bald, 'cept for that hair on the top of your head, whereas I, Seville the Cat, have fur all over.
And speakin' of fur, mine is a beautiful and stunning shade of marmalade orange, whereas yours is...
Well yours is whatever colour it says on the bottle of dye.
Which brings me to my next point. My orange fur is one hundred percent natural, unlike yours. You know, on account of yours comin' out of a bottle and all.
And now, it seems, you don't have any whiskers, either. Unlike me.
Then there's the issue of your missing tail.
NO, I did not actually check for a tail. Now THAT would have been creepy, for sure.
I'm assumin' you are tailless, Peepers, on account of all your complaints when I make comments on my blog 'bout your havin' one.
Plus, if you do have a tail, for all the nine lives of me, I can't figure out where you're puttin' it when you wear pants.
So basically Peepers, what it comes down to is this: How the mouses can you be my mum when you clearly belong to a different species? HOW?
And not just a different species. An inferior one, too.
A species that is WAY less cute.
And not nearly as smart.
Basically, if our house were a zoo, I, Seville the Cat, would be the zookeeper, whereas you would be the uh...
Well I'll let you try to figure that one out for yourself.