For mousin' out loud.
Oh hello there, my friends. What has got my goat, you ask? Well...
Well nothin', really, on account of my not havin' a goat. MOUSES!
To be perfectly honest with you, I've never even had a goat. Never really had an inkling to have one, either. I don't know, do you think I should go out and find myself a goat?
Oh, I see. You meant a metaphorical kinda goat. MOUSES!
But seriously, I am a little miffed. Bet you wanna know why.
It all began early this mornin'.
Picture it, there I was in the kitchen, munchin' on my breakies, when in between munches I said to myself, and anyone else willin' to listen, "I think I'll go grab myself a wee little nip heart and imbibe in a little of the nip." So off I went into the livin' room, in search of some... You guessed it... Catnip.
But the first nip heart I encountered was smellin' a little funny.
I should explain. It wasn't smellin' funny as in it was smellin' stuff in a funny or odd way. That would be impossible, my friends, for nip hearts don't have noses with which to smell.
Nor was it smellin' funny as in a ha-ha funny kinda way, but rather, funny as in smellin' an awful lot like Rushy Breath which, when you think about it, really isn't funny at all. No sirree. Rather than funny, Rushy Breath is icky, with a definite factor of ewww, along with a good ol' side dressin' of bleh, and a touch of Possibly Tainted Tuna. It's most definitely nothin' to laugh about, for sure.
Well needless to say, I passed that ol' nip heart right on by, and continued my search for another.
Now it didn't take me long to find a second nip heart, on account of the livin' room floor kinda bein' littered with 'em.
I should explain. When I say the floor is littered with nip hearts, it has nothin' to do with the litter one finds in a litter box. MOUSES!
So anyway, nip heart number two was located lickety-split, and...
AND IT WAS SMELLIN' KINDA FUNNY, TOO. MOUSES!
"Has Rushy been in here slobberin' on all the nip hearts around?" I asked myself aloud, along with anyone else willin' to listen.
Hearin' no answer, I went in search of nip heart number three.
Approachin' a third nip heart, I crossed my paws that the third time would, as they say, be the charm, and...
And do you know what?
Well DO you? Do you know what happened next?
Well I'll TELL you what happened, for sure.
Let's just say, never cross all four paws, all at the same time, while standin' upright. 'Cause if you do...
YOU'RE BOUND TO FALL DOWN. MOUSES!
What's more, nip heart number three was saturated with the breath of Rushy, too.
At that point I realized, I had to make a decision. Should I continue in search of an unslobbered-upon nip heart, or give up my hunt, nipless. It was a big decision to make. A huge one, for sure.
I hemmed and I hawed.
And I hawed and I hemmed.
Then I hemmed and I...
I think you probably get the picture, my friends.
So off in search of nip heart number four I went. Surely there HAD to be a nip heart in the house that smelled of nip, instead of Rushy Breath.
FINALLY I FOUND IT! I found it, for sure.
Ecstatic, I was. Thrilled to the moon! Thrilled to the moon and the stars and all the way back. I was so happy, I spun 'round in a circle THREE TIMES, before gettin' ready to settle down.
And that's when I saw somethin' movin'. Somethin' movin' in the corner of my eye.
I should explain. The thing movin' wasn't in my eye but rather, I saw it with my eye, but it was like a... You know... Off to the side, corner, kinda thing.
Yes, that's when I saw Rushton Tapio movin' about. Lurkin', and ready to pounce.
And on what, pray tell, do you think he was plannin' on pouncin'?
MY NEWLY-FOUND NIP HEART.
There was a mad dash for the nip heart with Rushy pushin' me outta his way and...
Okay, so I kinda ran out of his way, all on my own accord, on account of Rushy bein' bigger than me, and the last thing a kitty wants is for a Rushy to land on his knee.
Not that we cats have knees, but knee rhymed with me and... Well... Well you get the picture, I'm sure.
So there he was, slobberin' all over my newly-found, previously unslobbered-upon nip heart, leavin' me nipless once more. Deliberately leavin' as much slobber as felinely possibly, infusing it with the stench of his breath, and lookin' up every now and then from his slobberin', to gloat.
What to do, what to do...
Need I say it once more?
And that's when I spotted it. There, a few feet behind Rushton, lyin' on the floor, just where fate had left it. I spotted a pristine-lookin' nip heart. As pristine a nip heart as I had ever before seen.
I backed up a step. Then another. Then one more. And takin' a FLYIN' LEAP, through the air I did soar..
Okay, so here's what really happened.
After waiting 'til Rushy was caught in mid-slobber, I gave him a wide berth, as wide and as quickly as I could. I raced around him, grabbed hold of that nip heart, and I ran right out of the room.
Clutchin' the nip heart in my paws, I raised it to my nose. Oohhh... The heavenly smell of nip enveloped me like...
Like no nip heart has ever done before.
Okay, so actually... Actually, it just smelled like any ol' regular nip, but was totally free of the smell of Rushy;s breath.
And that, my friends, is the slobberin' truth.