Somebody, quick! Somebody call the cops! MOUSES!
Oh. My. Mouses.
There's a major crime wave goin' on and that, my friends, is for sure. MOUSES!
With spring on the horizon, and temperatures risin', criminals are out and about in full force.
All the evidence is there. Criminal activity is on the rise. My once peaceful neighbourhood has become a hotbed for miscreants and felons. MOUSES!
Why just yesterday mornin', Peep #1 let me out the door for my mornin' patrol, and what did I find?
Oh my mouses, it's too awful to describe.
I found, a garbage bag, torn open wide.
It's true, my friends. During the night, masked bandits were lurking about in my yard, rippin' apart garbage, lookin' for food.
Peep #1 says it was raccoons.
I say, RACCOONS WEAR MASKS. MOUSES!
There had been no sightings of the marauding gang of masked bandit raccoons since last fall. Clearly, they have returned. MOUSES!
I know, I know... I know what you're thinkin'. You're thinkin', one marauding gang of masked bandits does not a crime wave make, and you know somethin'? You'd be right about that if...
If there weren't other criminal activity goin' on in the area, too.
Both yesterday and today, I spotted several robins in the my yard.
What is criminal about robins, you ask?
'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT ROBINS AT ALL!
That's right, my friends. Those red-breasted robins, hoppin' hither and thither, are NOT robins but rather, North American thrushes impersonating robins, for sure.
You've heard of IDENTITY THEFT? MOUSES!
And then there's the vandalism.
Oh my mouses, it's bad.
Yesterday, I spotted two woodpeckers, peckin' away at the ol' oak tree in the front of my yard. My friends, they left holes behind! HOLES! That's vandalism, for sure.
Which reminds me 'bout the squirrels.
Those squirrels have been racin' back and forth, chasin' each other across the driveway and street, never once checkin' for oncoming cars. And they never cross at the corner or look for a crossin' guard. No sirree. And their constant jaywalking is DRIVIN' ME CRAZY!
And speakin' of jays...
The blue jays have been brawling so much, I half thought the finger-snappin', toe-tappin' Jets and Sharks had invaded my yard.
Thankfully, we have no actual sharks. MOUSES!
But what we do have is noise.
Oh my mouses those crows can be loud. MOUSES!
In the last few days, the Crow Show has amped up the noise level by several decibels. I tried turnin' down the volume on the television but apparently our remote is faulty, 'cause it doesn't work on those crows.
And then there are the sweet little chickadees...
It was previously owned by a sweet little lady who only drove it to church on Sundays and back.
Ever heard that line?
Yeah, when really the church must have been an empty parkin' lot and the little old lady was the drag racing queen.
SWEET MY TAIL.
Those chickadees are constantly flitting this way and that, running obstacle courses through the ladybug hedge. I tried puttin' up signs for no loitering, no skateboarding and no stunt bikin' but alas, it was to no avail.
And they're constantly singing, chickadee-dee-dee here and chickadee-dee-dee there and they're even chickadee-dee-deeing in mid air!
I'm tellin' you, those chickadees are disturbing the peace.
So as you can see, my garden has become a gatherin' place for unsavoury villains and delinquent offenders, committing illicit, felonious, fraudulent acts.
If I didn't know better, I'd think I was bein' filmed for Reality TV.