Deck the halls with nip-filled mousies, fa la la la la, la la la la. 'Tis the season...
Hold on, what's this now? A list? A list at this time of year? So close to Christmas?
Lists written around this time of year are usually written by me but come to think of it, I haven't had time to sit down and write my Christmas list to Santa yet. Oohhh... Maybe Peep #1 sat down and wrote it for me! It does look like her handwriting. What a thoughtful thing to do. Aw Peepers, you shouldn't have. You really didn't have...
Seriously Peepers, you shouldn't have. You really, really SHOULDN'T HAVE.
This isn't a list for Santa at all. It's not even close.
Oh, it's a list all right but rather than a list for Santa, it's a list of rules. A list of rules for me. MOUSES!
Now let's see... Number one on the list is do not climb the Christmas tree. Hmmph. Well that's easier said that done although since the peeps haven't managed to get the tree up yet, it's pretty easy to do. So far. But once that tree is up, there's no telling what might happen. Well actually, I can tell you exactly what will happen. One of us kitties is likely going to climb that tree. Happened before and likely to happen again. MOUSES!
You know, you'd think that since our Christmas tree has a metal trunk and all, none of us would be interested in climbing it but if you are thinking that, you're thinking about it all wrong. Metal tree trunks don't make trees impossible to climb. They simply make the climbing all the more challenging.
Actually, when you really think about it, it's as if the peeps are daring us to climb the tree by putting up one with a metal trunk. Yup, it's like they're begging us to climb it. Begging. BEGGING. How could we possibly ignore a challenge like that?
Now what's next on this list? Do not knock down the Christmas tree. Can't make any promises on that one. All depends upon which one of us climbs the tree and how well we do it and, of course, if two of us should happen upon the tree at once, odds of that ol' tree coming down are doubled. MOUSES!
Number three, do not knock the glass balls off the tree. Really, Peepers? REALLY? They're balls. BALLS! Balls are made for knocking and let's face it, you give a glass ball a good ol' whack with a paw, odds are it's gonna fall off the tree. In fact, odds of that happening are even greater than the odds of the tree coming down, even when two of us attempt climbing it at once. I should know. I've done the math and everything. MOUSES!
And as for the balls breaking when they fall... Well that's not our fault. They're made of glass, you see. Maybe the peeps shouldn't be hanging shiny round breakable baubily things on the tree in the first place. Yup, breakable baubles, they are. Hanging breakable baubles up on a tree is just asking for trouble, for sure.
Fourth item on the list is... What? WHAT? Do not place bets as to who can knock the most glass balls off the tree. MOUSES!
Now this is totally unfair. What fun is the knocking of the glass balls off the tree if we're not betting on it?
Okay, whacking the breakable baubles off the tree is a lot of fun whether we're placing bets or not but betting just makes the whole thing a little more interesting. We have a system and everything! Five points for green, ten for red, twenty-five for silver and fifty for gold. It's a good system but it's completely dependent upon our being able to whack at those glass balls and place bets on who can knock down the most. I seem to remember making a killing last year. MOUSES!
Number five, do not chase the strings of lights. Okay Peepers, this is going way too far. They're not called strings of lights for nothing. They're strings. STRINGS! And let's face it, strings are made for chasing. This item doesn't even deserve to be recognized as being on this list. I'll just scratch that one off right now. MOUSES!
Of course, light string chasing is best done on the day the tree goes up. You know, when Peep #1 is stringing the strings of lights onto the tree. She'll be standing there with one end of the light string in her paw and the other end of the string will be just dangling, waiting to be chased and caught. Waiting I tell you. WAITING. To tell you the truth, it's not unlike when she dangles a wand toy in our faces expecting us to chase that so...
SO, it's as clear as day to me now. All that wand toy playing she does with us throughout the year? Clearly, that playing is in preparation for the day we get to decorate the Christmas tree. Good thing I scratched that item off the list. The peep must have made a mistake and put it on the wrong one. Yup, chasing the strings of lights should have gone on the to-do list, for sure. MOUSES!
Rule number six is ornaments that look like mice are not food. What? Why that's not even a rule. Nah, it's not a rule at all. That's simply a fact. I know that. My fur-fam knows that. Of course mouse ornaments aren't food. Does the peep really think we would try to eat them? What a silly peep. Mouse ornaments aren't made for eating. Mouse ornaments are made for whacking! Just like those glass balls. MOUSES!
Golly gosh, Peep #1 is really scraping the bottom of the barrel with these rules. Doesn't even know the difference between a rule and a fact, it appears. Hmmph!
Number seven appears to pertain to presents placed under the tree. Do not unwrap gifts under the tree before Christmas morning. Hmmm...
Yeah, that's probably not going to happen.
Let's face it, prezzies are wrapped in paper and tied up with ribbons. Paper and ribbon are like homemade toys to us cats. Don't unwrap them. Ha!
Well actually, we probably won't set about unwrapping them. No, we'll set about playing with them but my personal experience with such things has shown that if you play with the paper and ribbon on a prezzie long enough, it doesn't take long for said prezzie to find itself in an unwrapped state.
When you think about it, it's kind of all the prezzies' fault. MOUSES!
Number eight. No live presents under the Christmas tree. For crying out loud! I'm telling you, you leave a live mouse under the tree once, way back in I-don't-know-what year, and they never let you forget it.
But truth be told though, there probably won't be any live gifts under the tree this year. We cats have kind of moused the place out. Also, those live prezzies are very difficult to wrap. MOUSES!
Now the ninth item on the list is a ridiculous item, to be sure. Do not whack the star off the top of the tree. Yeah, right. Oh Peepers, you have me chuckling with this one. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... Obviously, the peep doesn't realize there are two hundred and fifty points at stake for knocking down that tree-topping star. If we're placing bets - and believe me, we will be placing bets - on who gets the most points for the whacking of breakable baubles off the tree, it's imperative to whack that ol' star right off the top. MOUSES!
Number ten. Let's see... The tenth and final rule on the list is... What? WHAT? Do not spray on the Christmas tree. Now who would do a thing like that? Of all the ignominious... MOUSES!
Even suggesting that one of us cats would do such a thing as spray on the Christmas tr...
Okay, now that I think about it, perhaps this is an important rule to be on the list. Maybe the most important rule of all. Perhaps the only important rule to be found. After all, a cat can get a nasty electrical shock when marking a lit-up Christmas tree as his or her own. MOUSES!