string theory

Kitty physics.  You've gotta love it but boy-oh-boy is it ever complicated.  MOUSES!

Well...  It's not so complicated for me, of course.  Not complicated for me because I'm a kitty and we kitties understand kitty physics better than peeps ever will because...  you know...  we're kitties. MOUSES!

But I was trying to explain some kitty physics to the peeps the other night and let me tell you, they're as hopeless with kitty physics as they are with other important kitty stuff such as mousing and jumping in the air several times their own height.

You ever watch a peep mousing?  You ever watch a peep try to catch a mouse with nothing but their bare paws?  Not only is it not a pretty sight but they can almost never do it.  Very similar to their trying to comprehend kitty physics, to be sure.

Now that's interesting.  The word catch starts with the letters c, a and t which, of course, spell cat.  Very interesting, indeed.  It's no wonder the peeps can't catch onto kitty physics no matter how many times you try to explain it to them. MOUSES!

But back to the point at paw.  I mean hand.  No, I actually do mean paw.  MOUSES!

Okay, so the other night, I was trying to explain String Theory to the peeps.  Long story short, the peeps didn't understand and we have a whole mess of string that is now somewhat...  well uh... messy, to the least.

Actually, the peeps didn't have any string on paw so we used yarn.  Pretty much the same thing, I suppose, except for the fact that we now have a whole mess of unusable yarn rather than unusable string but either way you look at it, the stuff is kind of unusable.  Nope, that's not right.  It is unusable.  That yarn will never be even considered for use in knitting again.  MOUSES!

Now you might be wondering why I, as a cat, know about String Theory in the first place.  Fact is, we cats are very interested in strings and theories revolving around said strings are of equally great interest.  Strings are right up there with nip but as there are currently no Quantum Nip Theories in the world of physics, String Theory has soared to the top of the feline physicist's list.

That being said, there is a school of thought that once tried to unify Quantum Loop Theory with a Quantum Nip Theory on the basis that cats can get a little loopy when they're on the nip.

No, that's not correct.  There was a school of thought that tried to unify Quantum Loop Theory with a Quantum Nip Theory however that school of thought turned out to be a school of fish and when a clowder of loopy cats on the nip got the munchies - as we all know happens when cats are nipped - well...  Well let's just say that particular school of thought no longer exists.  MOUSES!

So that pretty much brings us back to the strings.

After trying to explain String Theory to the peeps for what seemed like an eternity (I swear I used up a whole, entire life), I thought to myself, maybe some visual aids might help.  So I grabbed Peep #1's bag of tricks - I mean, yarn - and started explaining this concept of strings.  Strings within strings within strings within strings.

That's where I went wrong, my friends. I should have started with something other than strings because explaining that there were strings within the very subatomic particles making up those strings proved to be far too confusing for the peeps.

I briefly thought Peep #2 was getting the gist until I realised, the second peep's lack of questions was actually due the peep having fallen asleep. MOUSES!

Peep #1 didn't fall asleep,though.  No, she was far too concerned with her yarn.  Her yarn that I had strung all over the family room, this way and that.

But after having strung balls of various coloured yarn all over the place, I was in far too deep to ever go back.  MOUSES!

So with the strings strung about the room, I grabbed an old whisk and started to whisk, explaining that the vibrations of said whisk would cause the strings within the whisk's atoms to vibrate, too. These subatomic vibrating strings, of course, are what allow us to access the ninth dimension using whisk technology, which is what allows us to travel through time.

This was my second mistake.  Do you know what happens when you start whisking with a whisk in a room strung up with string?  Knots.  Yup, not-so-good, good old-fashioned knots.  There were knots all over the place.  The strings were tangled up in ways I had never imagined possible.  So tangled, in fact, I momentarily thought I might have accidentally proved some sort of unifying Quantum Nippy Loop Theory, previously unknown.  MOUSES!

So I instructed Peep #2 to gather up all the string as let's face it, String Theory was clearly beyond the second peep's grasp and turned my attention to explaining to Peep #1 how String Theory applies to eggbeater teleportation technology.  How the curvature of the eggbeater's beaters spinning around one another and vibrating the strings within them warps the very fabric of space and time, much as gravity does.  This, of course, allows us to access energy sources in the fourth, fifth and sixth dimensions which power the teleportation device, hurtling us through space until we reach our destination.

And this, my friends, was my third and final mistake of the night.  Being a little drowsy after being awakened from that nap, Peep #2 had not yet cleaned up the mess with the strings and so when I fired up the old eggbeater, one of those strings got caught up in a beater.  Next thing I knew, the eggbeater was flying around the room picking up speed and getting more and more entangled with the string.  The peeps fled out of sheer terror as I, Seville the Cat, tried to catch the eggbeater in mid-flight.  That turned out to be more difficult than I had anticipated but luckily, as the eggbeater's beaters got more and more entangled with those strings. it reached a tipping point and the strings made of yarn brought it to a sudden stop.

Unfortunately, even though the actual string - yarn - put the brakes on the eggbeater's flight, the strings within the atoms of the eggbeater were still vibrating at top speed, accessing energy from goodness knows what dimensions.

Bottom line is, we currently have an unstable time vortex in the family room. I've pushed a big plant in front of it and am hoping no one will notice until I can figure out how to seal that thing up. MOUSES!

Stay tuned for next week, we'll discuss supernovas, black holes and the illusive red dot.