OH MY MOUSES! I want one. I need one. I HAVE to have one, for sure.
Did you hear? Did you hear it on the news? Oh my mouses, this is the best thing since sliced bread.
Well technically, being a cat and all, I'm not really into bread whether it's sliced, cubed or falling apart into crumbs but this... THIS... This is the best thing since FOREVER. MOUSES!
Apparently, the Ontario government is investing fifty million dollars in self-driving cars.
The big news isn't about the investment. The BIG news is that the cars drive on their own. MOUSES!
Now you might be wondering why I, Seville the Cat, would care about a self-driving car. I know, I have long been an opponent to the whole car thing because, as you know, the peeps' car appears to know how to drive to only one place and that place happens to be the doctor's office although, I am told, when I'm not actually in said car, it drives to other places as well, such as the grocery store, which would in fact make the car actually useful but as I have not personally witnessed this driving to the grocery store business myself, I am still undecided on the whole car thing, generally speaking.
Whew! There's an award-winning run-on sentence, for sure. Someone pass me a Pulitzer.
But back to these cars that don't need drivers. This is perfect! Even though I am somewhat car opposed, I have long wanted a car of my very own. One that knew how to go to places other than the doctor's office. One I could drive myself! My problem, of course, has been finding a car small enough for cats. Small enough for cats to drive. Small enough so that I can reach the gas pedal, not to mention the brakes. MOUSES!
With a self-driving car, I wouldn't have to reach those unreachable pedals. How perfect is that for a cat? MOUSES!
And a self-driving car could be programmed beforehand... Hmmm... Before paw? Doesn't really matter. What does matter is that it could be programmed to go wherever I want it to go and believe-you-me, I would not be programming it to take me to the doctor's office and that is for sure.
Like I said, I need one of these self-driving cars. Only question is, should I write to the Premier of Ontario asking if I could test drive one without really driving it, of course, as it would be driving itself or should I just bypass her and write to Santa Clause? Decisions, decisions... MOUSES!
You're probably wondering why I even need a car of my own. You're probably wondering why I don't just teleport on over to the grocery store. Well truth be told, I tried that once. Didn't work out at all. Our local grocery store has no parking for flying frying pans, you see. Can you believe it? MOUSES!
I once heard tell of a cat who tried to park in a regular parking space in a regular parking lot and some bozo ran right over his teleportation device, parking on top of it. Yup, it's true. Guy's name was Bozo. The circus was in town, you see. MOUSES!
But back to that self-driving car. Only other thing I've heard of that was as good as a self-driving car was one that could fly. Yup, I saw a flying car on Facebook, a while back. Did you happen to see that too? It was a car but it flew. Don't think it used eggbeater teleportation technology, either.
And if I'm not mistaken, that car could fly on its own, just like the self-driving car. Yup, it was a programmable self-flying car, for sure. Programmable self-flying as opposed to self-driving, you see.
The other night, I was watching television with the peeps when an advertisement came on for flying penguins. Well the ad wasn't for the penguins but rather, it was starring them. And the penguins weren't actually flying in the ad because, of course, penguins can't fly. I think they were going to use air miles or something like that. But I bet they could fly even without using air miles, had they had one of those flying cars sitting in their garage. They should look into that, for sure.
I actually don't know what the ad was advertising as while I was watching those penguins, my mind was otherwise occupied. The penguins, you see, were penguin-sized which is what one might expect. You know, with their being penguins and all. But they lived in a peep-sized house and they used peep-sized appliances. And watching those penguin-sized penguins struggle with all those peep-sized appliances just made me feel sorry for them because really, what they need more than a vacation is a house with appliances more suitably sized for penguins. MOUSES!
Penguins might not fly but squirrels do. That's why some of them are called flying squirrels.
Now technically, flying squirrels don't fly but sort of glide but that's neither here nor there because they look like they're flying and that's for sure.
There are flying squirrels right here in Nova Scotia, I am told, but not, as far as I know, in my yard. But nevertheless, I've seen squirrels fly. It's true! Even those big grey squirrels can fly high amongst the tops of the trees. They're so light they can race along the thinnest of branches, leaping from one to another and watching them, you'd swear they were flying whether really flying squirrels or not.
Now here's a thought. Answer me this. If squirrels were to be featured in an advertisement on TV, would they live in a squirrel-sized house or one built for peeps? And if the ad were to show them baking nut pies as we all know squirrels do, would the appliances they use be peep-sized or would they be more appropriately sized for squirrels? I mean, can you really picture a squirrel attempting to bake nut pies in a peep-sized kitchen? Sounds pretty unbelievable to me. Crazy. Crazier than a squirrel making nut pies kind of crazy, for sure. MOUSES!
And what's more, would those squirrels be paid in peanuts?
One might think that entertaining squirrels might find being paid in peanuts acceptable but truth be told, they don't. Nope, I've heard they like cold, hard cash. Yup, it's true, although I'm sure they'd accept a cheque if you were to show two valid forms of ID.
No one has ever tried to pay me with peanuts but that might be because I'm not a squirrel. They have tried to pay me with nip, though. No, sorry. That wasn't me being paid. That was a bribe. Turns out you can, in fact, bribe a cat with nip. MOUSES!
On the other paw, as I've already been saving up to invest in nip futures, perhaps I can use the money earned from that futuristic nip to buy one of those self-driving cars.
Oh my mouses, this is confusing even for me and as you know, I don't confuse all that easily.
I think I need to imbibe in a little nip. MOUSES!