Wednesday, 6 November 2013

I never lied

What's all this about?  Why are all these peeps here with cameras? 

I stomped down to the end of my driveway, assaulted by camera flashes, flashin' in my face.  "Off my property!" I cried.  "Shoo...  Shoo...   Boogie on out of here before I call the police."

"Nerissa the Cat, what do you have to say for yourself?" cried out one reporter.  "Your readers want to know the truth.  What do you have to say about the allegations of the existence of a video of you, allegedly enjoying a nip mouse?"

"There's no video.  There was never a video.  It's all a made-up story, made up by someone tryin' to make me look bad.  It's that nosey neighbour cat, I tell you.  He's had it in for me since day one.  Lies, lies!  It's all a bunch of lies.  A giant smear campaign, designed to discredit me."

The reporter looked down, briefly checking his notes.  "But your Peep #1 has confirmed she is in possession of a video.  A video consistent with the allegations made by this nosey neighbour cat."

MOUSES!  I spun around and gave the reporter the ol' stink eye.  "There IS no video, I tell you.  Never was one.  NEVER!  And even if there was, it can't prove anything.  You can't prove there was nip in that mouse.  There could have been anything in that mouse.  It could have been filled with parsley.  Or even oregano."

"So," began a second reporter, "you now admit that there is a video."

"I ADMIT NOTHING.  Now get off my property this instant.  You're trespassing.  Shove off!  SHOVE OFF!" I cried, pushing a reporter and nipping and his heels.  "Take that you big ol' oaf.  Do I need to use my claws on you?"

The reporter stumbled backwards but thankfully, didn't fall 'cause I really didn't need to add assault charges to my rap sheet.

At that moment, my brother Seville arrived on the scene.   "Leave Nissy alone.  He says there is no video so clearly, there's no video.  Niss," Seville hissed, "there is no video, right?"

"Of course not," I answered angrily.  "Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have places to go and people to see."  Stumbling over an acorn on the driveway, I headed over to the car.

"Are you on nip right now?" asked a third reporter.

"Out of my way!" I hollered.  I'm looking for my car.  I mean, my car keys.  I'm lookin' for my car keys.  Seville, you know where they are?"

Like a hound dog, the third reporter kept asking me questions with the first bein', "Have you forgotten you have no car keys?" and the second bein', "Have you forgotten you're a cat and don't drive?"

"Leave him alone," ordered Seville.  "Leave my brother alone.  There's no video.  There's no nip mouse.  There's no nip."

Out of nowhere, I suddenly said to the press, "I wanna see this supposed video with me supposedly enjoyin' a mouse full of nip."

"But Niss, there is no video," Seville reminded me.

"Well...  actually...  there might be a video...  maybe... possibly.  There might have been a time when...  just let me see the video.  I'll use the video to prove my innocence.  I said it before and I'll say it again, you'll never prove there was any nip in that mouse."

Seville sat back on his haunches.  "I'm confused.  What do you want me to do?  Should I go get the video from the peep?  They're sayin' she has the video.  Maybe I should ask the peep to resign from bein' our peep?  Maybe we can fire her."

"No, no, no..."  and I shook my head.  "Okay, here's the story.  There might be a video.  I might have had a nip mouse or two but I still say you can't prove there was any nip in the mice although if there was, there was only the one mouse or at least, only the one time.  I don't quite remember...  I was sort of nipped up."

The reporters looked at one another with confusion in their eyes.  One spoke up and asked, "So now you're admitting that you did lie about the nip mouse..."

"I never lied," I said, cutting him off.  "You just never asked me the right questions.  Sivvers, get me some nip, will you?" 

I sat down in the middle of the driveway, shaking and mustered up some tears.  "Okay, here's the real story.  I have been known to enjoy the nip.  I'm sorry if I've appeared in public all nipped up.  I shouldn't have done that.  But I never lied to anyone and I'm not going anywhere.  I'll keep on writing Nerissa's Life as long as peeps out there will read it."  I closed my eyes, trying to forget about the scandal to which I had just admitted.

"Nissy, sweetie.  What's the matter?  Are you having a bad dream?" asked Peep #1 as she scooped me up into her arms before kissing the top of my head.  "What's wrong, Nissy?"

I looked up at my peep with big eyes.   Dream?  I was dreaming?  There were no reporters hangin' out at the end of our driveway, dogging me with questions?

"You had a big day yesterday, celebrating your blogoversary.  With all those treats you ate and the nip you sniffed, it's no wonder you're having bad dreams.  You were exhausted and fell asleep listening to the news."

I squirmed out of the peep's arms and settled back down on the couch, resting my head on a knitted mouse filled with catnip.  For just a moment I looked up at the peep, questioningly.  She understood exactly what I was asking.

"Don't worry, Nissy.  There's nothing wrong with a cat enjoying a little catnip.  It's not like it's an illegal substance or anything," she laughed lightly and kissed me on the back of my head before giving my chin a little tickle.

I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep but this time, I dreamt only of the nip mice.  Dozens upon dozens of glorious nip-filled mice.  There were no cameras or reporters.  There were no awkward questions bein' asked.  Just sweet dreams filled with mice, filled with the nip.

46 comments:

  1. Sometimes bad dreams get the best of us.

    And there isn't anythin' wrong with eating a little nip here n' there, right Nissy???

    **wink**

    Ragdoll Mommy~

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  2. You had me going there! And I was ready to turn in Binga.

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  3. Nothing wrong with a little nip. Nothing at all.

    Of course it might lead to 'vine.

    Nothing wrong with that either.

    And then there¨s root- Oh yes, the root!

    Nothing wrong with that at all...........

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  4. Hey Nissy don't worry mate Nip is ok for kitties it normal,See you in a couple of weeks,xx Speedy

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  5. Phew! You had me worried for a minute! I nearly flushed my nip stash down the toilet.

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  6. Awwww. We're glad that's all cleared up and you can now enjoy your nip-filled mice dream in peace. :)

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  7. Mummy Janey wants to know if you live in Toronto...near City Hall?
    The REAL Maple Syrup Mob xxxx

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    1. That is a VERY good question!

      I live in Nova Scotia but... news from Toronto is everywhere. I think it might even have been on the television when I was fallin' asleep. You know... before I had my dream and all.

      Purrs,
      Nissy

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  8. Nissy, that must have been such a good dream about the nip filled mice. We do love the nip stuff. Hope you have a great day.

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  9. Nothing wrong with a little nip, Nerissa :)

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  10. Nissy! Enjoy your nip! Don't let those nonsense people tell you what to do! Swat em, and then have another sniff. - Crepes.

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  11. Nissy, that was the way to handle it...you and Seville and you and mommy.

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  12. The answer is clear to us: blame the media for that disturbing dream!

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  13. *shivers* NIGHTMARES!! (nip induced, we query. . .?)

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  14. Never admit to anything Nissy, especially when it come to nip! You were purrfect in your delivery to the paparazzi, deny, deny, deny even if it was in 'Dreamtime!' :D

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  15. Never trust the press and always trust the nip!

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  16. There I was thinking, "There's usually a grain of truth in these things!" and, well, need I say more. Every cat is entitled to a bit of nip now and again. Can't say that Pusia has much of a liking for it, though...

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  17. We hear you should claim you never inhaled.

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  18. My cats love the nip too!!! We grow our own so they have it often!!

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  19. dood...happee bee lated blog annie fursary....hope ya getted sum flounder, trout, toona, salmon, perch, bloo gill, cake, piez, ham samiches, sghetti, sardeenz, noe burd, burgerz, shrimp N salmon for that speshull day N if knot, hope ya bee dreemin bout it N when ya wakes up ya finds yur dreemz haz come troo ...N my nuss de press :) !!

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  20. Nerissa, you write excellently, I see you have a good grasp of the situation. Love to read your writing, I read it to a friend that doesn't have a computer, she loves your writing too. Thank you

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  21. Nerissa, excellent writing, I enjoy your writing so much and I read it to a friend of mine that doesn't have a computer, she enjoys it also

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  22. WE grow our cat nip around here so the cats enjoy a lot of it!!!

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  23. Nip sure can bring on some crazy dreams!

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  24. I think you may also have a backup career as a pawyer - "I never lied, you just didn't ask the right question"
    ~Vicat

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  25. Um, it mighta happened during a drunken stupor maybe? But c'mon, it's not like you're an ADDICT or anything, right?

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    1. Yeah... maybe in ONE of 'em. purrs

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  26. Oh my dear, Nerissa, what a dream. That catnip really gotcha, didn't it? Thank cat it was just a dream :)
    I feel a little ashamed, I forgot your blogoversary...I can't find the post, so I have to congratulate you here. HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY my furriend, and Granny and I hope you never stop blogging. Lots of Pawkisses :)

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    1. Oh Angel, please don't feel badly. Anywho... you DID congratulate me on my Blogoversary. The post was called "MOUSES!" and you're entered in the giveaway and everything. purrs

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  27. Nissy as always you handled the situation well......whose business is it ANYWAY if you enjoy a nip mouse from time to time??!! "What goes on in the house STAYS in the house" right?

    Kitty Hugs, Sammy

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  28. Yep trust the nip and keep away from the pup-aratzi we say. Have a tremendous Thursday.
    Best wishes Molly

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  29. Sounds like a horrid dream - but you needed of worried nip scandal or not we are not going anywhere. We look forward to reading your blog far too much for that!

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  30. Wow what a dream! Glad it didn't really happen, eek.

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  31. And remember this, Nissy: YOU CAN'T LEGISLATE MORALITY! If an honest cat wants to get a little stoned on 'nip, there ain't nothin' anybody should be able to say to him OR her!

    YOU HAVE RIGHTS! It's your own sniffer, so it is! So sniff/whiff away!

    Purrs!
    Selina

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  32. I sure have learned a big lesson. NEVER fall asleep listenin' to Canadian news after imbibing in the nip! purrs

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  33. Sweet dreams are made of this…. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

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  34. Hmmmm! That was a bit close for comfort! Do you think they might make nip illegal? Sometimes nip induced sleep hallucinations can make one do things one regrets!!!

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  35. I was worried there Nissy! Goodness what would the world be without a nit of the nip here and there. All among consenting adult cats who are not driving of course.
    Meow

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  36. Wow, your brother Seville spoke up for you, even if it was a dream.

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  37. There is a certain irony here, not lost on some......

    Silver

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  38. SOOO glad it all was just a dream !!
    XOXO

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  39. OMC, what a dream! There is NOTHING wrong with a little nip, Nissy. :)

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  40. Hi Buddy, I myself would never allow the Human to film me in such a compromisi-- Wait, what? You DO? Well, you just give that thing to me right now and maybe I won't make you bleed, Human.

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  41. ooh, those 'nip dreams will get you every time.

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