Sunday, 7 April 2013

a trojan horse

Believe it or not, we cats have enemies.  We do.   It's true.  It's a fact.  And right at the top of our list of enemies is...  duh, duh, duh, duuuhhhh....  the dreaded vacuum.

The vacuum is a despicable creature.  Bred to produce as much ear irritating noise as is humanly possible.  With a flick of a button, peeps have control over this horrendous and contemptible monstrosity from which unimaginable sounds emanate.  Vacuums are a cat's worst nightmare.  They are the makings of horror movies.  Why that Stephen King fellow has not yet written a book about them, is unfathomable.  I'm sure he must be one in the making.

A few weeks ago, I overheard peep #2 on the telephone.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing the peep say.  The peep was ordering...  a new vacuum.  MOUSES!

We cats had already killed one vacuum.  Yes, the peeps have - or rather, had - two of them.  The canister monster was our intended victim.  We shed and we shed and we shed until we could shed no more.  The vast quantities of fur twelve cats can shed in late winter and early spring is quite considerable.  It is, in fact...  vast.  The poor little vacuum couldn't handle it anymore.  It just couldn't take it.  It spewed and it sputtered but it could suck up no more.  It had had it.  And just to get our point across...  to make sure we were fully understood...  to make sure the beast was well and truly dead...  one of us peed on it.  That's right, we peed on the vacuum.  Made sure it the most difficult part of the monster to clean up, too.  Quite an effective statement, I do believe.

As far as I was concerned, that was one down, one to go.  Never did I ever imagine that the beast could be replaced!  But once I overheard my peeps' plans to do exactly that, I knew I had to do something about the situation, immediately.  I just knew it.  But what?  What to do...  what to do... 

I devised a plan and began its implementation.  Everything was going smoothly until last Wednesday night.  Peep #1 had just returned from caterwauling practice when peep #2 called out to her.  Apparently, a box had been discovered on the veranda.

Now, normally, boxes are good things.  Normally, boxes are great.  Normally, boxes are fantastically wonderful and absolutely delightful.  This particular box, however, was a horse in disguise.  A Trojan horse, I do believe.  'Bout the size and weight of one, too.  Did this box contain a murderous and well armed army, you might very well ask?  No...  worse.  It contained...  the new vacuum.

Apparently, sometime during the day, the courier had delivered the vacuum and left it on the veranda.  The peeps believe it was a courier.  No one ever saw him or her, leaving the box.  They're just assuming, I think.  This supposed courier didn't ring the bell or knock on the door or anything like that.  The peeps never knew the vacuum was there until peep #2 discovered it, quite accidentally, that night.

The peeps say that leaving the vacuum on the veranda like that was a silly thing for the courier to do.  Anyone could have come along and taken it.  Goodness knows I wish they had.  In fact, that was my plan all along.  That was what was supposed to happen.  What on earth could have gone wrong?

After hearin' peep #2 on the telephone ordering a replacement monster, I got on the Internet right away.  I left strict instructions with that courier company.  I told them that their delivery person was to leave the vacuum on the veranda without telling a soul.  They were to dump it and run. 

My plan was that someone - ANYONE - would come along and take that monster for themselves.  I figured that the longer it was left unattended on the veranda, the more likely it would be stolen.  It should have been stolen!  Unfortunately, my plan didn't work out.  MOUSES! 

Either our neighbours are all too honest or the fact that the monster was hiding in that ol' Trojan horse of a box threw them off.  They might have thought it was just a box.  Although that makes no sense 'cause anyone in their right mind would want a box.  Boxes are far more desirable than vacuums.  Boxes are good.  Vacuums are...  well...  you know.

I don't really know for sure where my plans went belly up.  Back to the drawing board, I suppose.  I'm not giving up, yet.  Rest assured, no vacuum is gonna get the better of me!

35 comments:

  1. When my peep bought a new screamy-sucky-thing (I refuse to utter its name!), he was putting it together and had to get a screwdriver from the garage. By the time he got back I'd chewed the cable into three pieces. That taught him a lesson!

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    1. Whoa! Are you ever good! You could teach classes, I am sure. purrs

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  2. So which brand of monster did the Evil Peep get? Some monsters are stealthier (not as noisy) than others. I just ordered a new one myself and got one that's supposed to be super-quiet so that Fiona the Diva won't turn tail and run and hide in the closet whenever I pull it out.

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  3. I have just ordered a new suck-monster for my house! It's supposed to be whisper-quiet. I hope Fiona the Diva won't hide in the closet anymore, like she does when I pull my current one out of the closet.

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  4. That was a great plan. Too bad it didn't work. Too funny. We might have to try that. Hope all of you have a super Sunday.

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  5. OMC ! Monsters are delivered by post nowdays ! It's a nightmare ! Loupi and Zorro

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  6. Our Mum has got a dreaded Dyson we hope your Mum hasn't got one - if she has be warned they shout noisily and try to run over kitty toesies.
    Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

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  7. Meow, when reading the teaser me's expected much worser virtual things than a hoover monster! MOL

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  8. Oh, oh, oh how we feel your pain! We loathe our Noisy Beast with a passion too. Terrible, terrible things.

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  9. I don't know why peeps insist on vacuuming up cat fur. We just make more, after all. Such a waste of their time.

    Sorry your plan didn't quite work the way you wanted it to.

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  10. Sometimes, Nissy, you just have to live with the enemy! I give ours the Rump of Reproach every now and again and it makes me feel better!

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  11. better luck next time Nerissa,xx Speedy

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  12. Oh Honey you are too funny & cute...Kitty hates it too...she runs and hide under the bed each time! Hope you have a nice Sunday!
    Purrs,
    Kitty & Me

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  13. We already have TWO vacuums and Mommy was considering getting a THIRD! What is wrong with that woman! Then there's also that awful machine that spews vicious steam. We like your pee idea...we might need to consider that soon...

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  14. The Vac Oom makes a lot of noise. I don't like it!

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  15. Maybel and I hate these monsters too! Every time one breaks they buy another. I just don't get it. Our fur would make lovely carpets if they just let it be!

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  16. We hate the rug sucking monster. Someday we're gonna kill it....we hope.

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  17. Yikes! Sorry your plans went to pot:/
    Those humans are sneaky!!!!!
    Purrs Tillie and Georgia,
    Treasure,Tiger,JJ and Julie

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  18. Wow, the plans of cats and peeps...
    Our Dad got a new one after we killed the last one. The lady that comes is a bit, well, lets just say if she was a cat the mice would play, so we still slow her down when "The bag is full, darn." Now that Dad works at home she just skips down to the office for a bag change. Horrors and Hairballs it is right back in action!
    We are all purring for ya!

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  19. Darn!! Foiled at the end! Oh but it was a great plan while it lasted! Maybe next time write "Take me please" on the box!!LOL!! We also like death by fur shedding of the old vacuum cleaner!! Yay! Take care
    x

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  20. Dang, it's a shame that didn't work, but I know you will come up with something!

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  21. Should have told the courier to leave it at the neighbor's house. Probably a little less shedding would help as well. Mauricio tried to kill one of our human's vacuums by spraying the motor. Mom hated that vacuum anyway so she was happy to get a new one. Nice to know that other kitties resort to devious tactics. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Lisbeth, Astrid and Calista Josette

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  22. Keep your enemies close, you'll figure something out!

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  23. I have become unavailable to my vicious HOOVER MONSTER...I simply remain in my tent whilst it sucks, and sucks, and sucks...I do not mind it; it is not fearful; it is not ME!; it is not ever, never gonna get me (that's what I tell myself every Thursday...sigh...hope it works)

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  24. Yous knows, the vacuum wes had in the little house was OK. It was not as loud as the evil Dyson. Hissy Old Licorice LOVED to have his extra furs suck off him and when the vacuum was turned on, he would roll - exposing his tummy, until Mommy (or Daddy) sucked all the loose furs off him!
    Me was in wonder, and eventually, me too enjoyed the sucky mouth of the beast!
    But Alas, it was left in the little house and ME would NOT let the sucky monster here near ME!
    Kisses
    Nellie

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  25. I love that once you had deaded the vaccumm you peed on it! Just don't be sending it my way - I already have one to deal with! I try putting the bitey onto it but that just gets me told off - or worse, put outside until they are done!

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  26. Hey! C'mon! Is U cats or is U pussies? Aren't there, like, TWELVE of you? Man- and Woman-Up! Form a strike team. You can KILL this thing, you just have to work TOGETHER, Kitties. Make a Plan!

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  27. Spitty is right, Nerissa...you all need to do as he said..man and woman cat up! Kill it! Hurry.

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  28. The Purries really don't like the vacuum, either!

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  29. Keep my paws crossed that you can kill this one too in a hurry !!

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  30. What is it about those dreaded VC's? I hate them too. I don't mind thunder and lightening as much as those darned suckers!

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  31. Seriously impressed with your technique, buddy. Maneuvering the Internet without thumbs is pawsome in itself...but meowing instructions to a courier... I bow down to your sentient excellence.

    I'm told vacuums are a necessary evil, especially in a multi-cat household. But why every day? Why not once a month? Once a year, even?

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  32. I hate them too, Nerissa. When granny gets cleaning with the vacuum, I'm out of here :D

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  33. Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day. So nice to meet u. I didn't know cats hate the vacuum beastie as much as dogs do. I really liked the part of u shedding and shedding till u can't shed no more. Us Shelties shed a lot , I'm surprised we haven't killed our vacuum beastie yet.

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