foul mood

Of all the nerve...

OF ALL THE NERVE...

My gosh that peep is rude.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', some peep has been rude to MY peep.  And you know what?

You would be wrong.

MOUSES!

While it's true that some peep MIGHT have been rude to my peep, I try not to concern myself with such mundane matters.  Peepers has gotta learn to stand up for herself, you see, and what better way for her to stand up for herself than to stand up to peeps who would be rude?

MOUSES!

No, rude peeps are only of a concern to me when they're bein' rude to me and the fact of the matter is, MY peep was incredibly rude to me early this mornin'.  She was rude to Saffy, too, but you know... Stuff happens.

MOUSES!

So how was ol' Peepers rude to Saffron and me, you ask?

Well...

Well she wasn't so much rude as she was...

Nope, she was rude.

MOUSES!

Okay, so I'll tell you what happened.  I asked Peepers a question and she up and left the room.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

Okay, so TECHNICALLY she was actually already on her way outside when I was askin' her the question, and it is quite possible she didn't hear me ask it, but still...

RUDE.

MOUSES!

The real problem is, Peepers was in a foul mood this mornin'.  Foul as foul can be.  Foul as a hen house full of chickens, she was.

MOUSES!

So apparently...

Apparently we had a visitor last night.  Maybe two.  Maybe three!  And you know what?  You know what those visitors did?

Well they didn't bring me prezzies and THAT is rude, too.

MOUSES!

And not only did they not bring me, Seville the Cat, a prezzie, they left behind a right ol' mess.  The bird feeder hangin' from the veranda was down on the ground; empty of all its seed AND, turns out, the metal cord thingy from which it hangs has been broken beyond repair.

Yeah, when Peepers re-filled the knocked down feeder only to discover it couldn't be hung up again, she stomped off in ANOTHER rage, for sure.

And the metal stand thingy with all the hooks, the one in the middle of the front lawn, was also knocked down; but Peepers managed to get it back up, even though one of the prong leg thingies was all bent out of shape.

That made her foulness all the more foul, if you can believe she could get even fouler.

Oh, and the two acorn feeders hangin' from said metal stand thingy with all the hooks?  The two acorns that are Peepers' very favourite bird-feeders of all time on account of their bein' so cute?

Well...

Well...

Well one she found halfway across the lawn.

MOUSES!

And the other one...

The other one...

THE OTHER ONE...

THE OTHER ONE looks like it was trampled by a stampede, is completely bent out of shape - like Peepers, herself, I believe - and is totally, utterly, unreservedly unusable and unfillable, not to mention useless, to be sure.

Yup, the thing is as flat as a pancake, she said.

MOUSES!

And just who were these visitors, you ask?  And ask you might, on account of my havin' asked the very same question, although an answer I did not get.

Yeah, that was about the time Peepers so rudely stomped outta the house.

MOUSES!

Well my first guess was a neighbour.  Some of 'em have found out they appear in my book - YES, I am still workin' on that - and are none-too-pleased 'bout the fact, you see.

But then I thought, why would a neighbour wanna give me EVEN MORE fodder for my book?  That would be stupid beyond belief.

So then I thought perhaps it was an alien workin' on crop circles who took a wrong turn.

But that made no sense once I rethunk it.

Rethunk...

MOUSES!

Then rocky raccoons came to mind.  They've had their eyes on those bird feeders for a while now.  But could a raccoon, even a chubby one, squish a metal acorn feeder like that?

Probably not.

So now I'm wonderin'...

NOW I'M WONDERIN'...

NOW I'M WONDERIN' if it was that big ol' bear some peeps have seen wanderin' about.  Could that bear have been visitin' my house late last night?

And if so, WHY THE MOUSES DIDN'T HE BRING ME PREZZIES?  ARE BEARS NOT TAUGHT PROPER ETIQUETTE WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG?

Who the mouses goes to dinner at someone's house without bringin' a gift for the host!

Of all the nerve.

A little bottle of nip wine would have been nice.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

there's a WHAAHHHT?

"There's a chipmunk out on the front step," is what the peep said.  Yup, I heard her myself.  Peep #1 was lookin' out the front door, and she said, "There's a chipmunk out on the front step."

MOUSES!

But Peep #2 must have misheard her or something, 'cause the second peep was shocked - SHOCKED, I tell you - to hear there was a skunk out on the veranda.

MOUSES!

They look so much alike, you see, what with their both havin' stripes down their backs.

NOT.

MOUSES!

Now don't get me wrong.  I, Seville the Cat, couldn't care less.  I couldn't care if we had chippies or skunkies or both hangin' about at our front door, 'cause chippies and skunkies are BOTH kinda nice.  Chippies are fun for chasing...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP, THERE, PEEPERS.  And ENUNCIATE, too!  For a minute I thought you said...

Aw, never mind.

MOUSES!

So anyway, APPARENTLY, chippies are not for chasin', after all.  But what does the peep know, anyway?

MOUSES!

But as I was sayin', chippies and skunkies are both kinda nice.  Cats and skunks are known to get along.  In fact, my Auntie Primrose - may she rest in peace - had a best friend who was a skunk.  Yup, a best friend she used to hang out with under the garden shed.

Or so I am told.

MOUSES!

Chipmunk or skunk, I can get along with either one.  But peeps...

Well peeps are a TOTALLY different matter.  I think it's because peeps, like some dogs, don't know when to keep their noses out of other peeps' business.

Or in this case, skunks.

Their business, I mean.  The SKUNKS' business.

In other words...

In other words, peeps, like some dogs, have a tendency to get a little too close for skunks' comfort, and get themselves SKUNKED.

We cats never do that.

MOUSES!

So you can kinda see why Peep #2 might have concerns 'bout their bein' a skunk on the front step.  A skunk hangin' about, out on the veranda.  A skunk rather close to home, shall we say.

On the other paw, maybe Peep #2 should be MORE concerned 'bout goin' to an ear doctor or a hearin' specialist or maybe a get-the-wax-outta-the-ears practioner, or somethin' like that, 'cause SERIOUSLY, the words chipmunk and skunk do NOT sound alike.

MOUSES!

call the cops!

Somebody, quick! Somebody call the cops!  MOUSES!

Oh.  My.  Mouses.

MOUSES!

There's a major crime wave goin' on and that, my friends, is for sure. MOUSES!

With spring on the horizon, and temperatures risin', criminals are out and about in full force.

All the evidence is there. Criminal activity is on the rise.  My once peaceful neighbourhood has become a hotbed for miscreants and felons.  MOUSES!

Why just yesterday mornin', Peep #1 let me out the door for my mornin' patrol, and what did I find?

I found...

I found...

Oh my mouses, it's too awful to describe.

I found, a garbage bag, torn open wide.

It's true, my friends.  During the night, masked bandits were lurking about in my yard, rippin' apart garbage, lookin' for food.

Peep #1 says it was raccoons.

I say, RACCOONS WEAR MASKS.  MOUSES!

There had been no sightings of the marauding gang of masked bandit raccoons since last fall. Clearly, they have returned.  MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', one marauding gang of masked bandits does not a crime wave make, and you know somethin'?  You'd be right about that if...

If...

If there weren't other criminal activity goin' on in the area, too.

Both yesterday and today, I spotted several robins in the my yard.

What is criminal about robins, you ask?

'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT ROBINS AT ALL!

That's right, my friends.  Those red-breasted robins, hoppin' hither and thither, are NOT robins but rather, North American thrushes impersonating robins, for sure.

You've heard of IDENTITY THEFT?  MOUSES!

And then there's the vandalism.

Oh my mouses, it's bad.

Yesterday, I spotted two woodpeckers, peckin' away at the ol' oak tree in the front of my yard.  My friends, they left holes behind!  HOLES!  That's vandalism, for sure.

Which reminds me 'bout the squirrels.

Those squirrels have been racin' back and forth, chasin' each other across the driveway and street, never once checkin' for oncoming cars.  And they never cross at the corner or look for a crossin' guard.  No sirree.  And their constant jaywalking is DRIVIN' ME CRAZY!

And speakin' of jays...

The blue jays have been brawling so much, I half thought the finger-snappin', toe-tappin' Jets and Sharks had invaded my yard.

Thankfully, we have no actual sharks.  MOUSES!

But what we do have is noise.

Oh my mouses those crows can be loud.   MOUSES!

In the last few days, the Crow Show has amped up the noise level by several decibels.  I tried turnin' down the volume on the television but apparently our remote is faulty, 'cause it doesn't work on those crows.

MOUSES!

And then there are the sweet little chickadees...

NOT!!!

It was previously owned by a sweet little lady who only drove it to church on Sundays and back.

Ever heard that line?

Yeah, when really the church must have been an empty parkin' lot and the little old lady was the drag racing queen.

SWEET MY TAIL.

Those chickadees are constantly flitting this way and that, running obstacle courses through the ladybug hedge.  I tried puttin' up signs for no loitering, no skateboarding and no stunt bikin' but alas, it was to no avail.

And they're constantly singing, chickadee-dee-dee here and chickadee-dee-dee there and they're even chickadee-dee-deeing in mid air!

I'm tellin' you, those chickadees are disturbing the peace.

MOUSES!

So as you can see, my garden has become a gatherin' place for unsavoury villains and delinquent offenders, committing illicit, felonious, fraudulent acts.

If I didn't know better, I'd think I was bein' filmed for Reality TV.

MOUSES!