He aims. He shoots! HE SCORES!!! AND THE FANS ROAR. They start chantin' my name. Nissy. Nissy. Nissy. Their cheers can be heard around the world. Can you hear 'em yet? Are you cheerin', too? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!!!Then suddenly I feel someone pawin' at me. Someone is shakin' my shoulders. "Nissy, wake up. The peep is servin' breakkies. You're gonna be late."
Awww... MOUSES!
Well it was a good dream while it lasted, for sure.
But not entirely a dream 'cause I really am in the midst of inventin' a new sport. I'm gonna call is pawball, I think. Should be quite popular with cats and their peeps.
I've never actually been to a sportin' arena, bein' a cat and all, but I've seen a few games on the TV. Not Bird TV but rather, the television that is in the family room in that ol' box. The kind of TV that the peeps watch.
Actually, my peeps never watch sports on television. They're more into mysteries and things like Downton Abbey which, I must admit, have been providin' excellent tummy rub and chin scrtichin' sessions as of late. That show Ascension has been good, too.
I, of course, bein' a very intellectually-minded kitty, enjoy watchin' the news. I especially like the political stuff 'cause it's very important for me to keep up-to-date with the goings-on in Ottawa as I intend to become Canada's first feline Senator and I intend to do that very soon. Plus, their daily shenanigans provide excellent fodder for my blog.
But even though I am diligent in my political news watchin' endeavours, I have occasionally come across a sportin' event or two.
I still remember that time when I accidentally watched a Senator's hockey game thinkin' they were actual political cats appointed to the Senate. Little did I know that they were neither politicians nor cats. Apparently, there is a hockey team called the Senators. Who knew?
But that got me to thinkin'. Why not have a sport just for cats? One that Canada's first feline Senator - as in the political kind - could play, too. So I put my ol' thinkin' cap on and started thinkin'.
It's not actually a real cap. My thinkin' cap, I mean. Of course, once I have my new sport up and runnin', we'll have to have some caps, for sure. Somethin' like a baseball cap except they'll be called pawball caps 'cause we're playin' pawball and, of course, they will be designed for cats. Gotta have openings for the ears, you see. MOUSES!
Anywho... Like I said earlier, I'm gonna call my new sport pawball. It's a great name, for sure.
Pawball will be played with soft balls made out of yarn and whatnot. I briefly toyed with the idea of filling 'em with nip but quickly realised that that could have disastrous consequences. You know what happens when a bunch of cats all start playin' with one ball filled with the nip? Believe-you-me, you don't wanna know. When it comes to nip balls, each and every cat must have one of their own.
Nip ball ownership is important 'cause of the slobber.
In pawball, you don't wanna have the ball in play all covered with slobber. Slows down the movement of the game. Plus, while it's one thing to bat around a nip ball covered in your own slobber, it's an entirely different thing to have to deal with some other cat's slobber. Pretty icky. A cat might hesitate to thwack the pawball on account of an opposing team member's slobber. In fact, an opposing team member might slobber all over that pawball just to cause such hesitation.
I can see the headline now... SLOBBERGATE! - Home team refuses to thwack slobber-covered pawball on account of ick factor.
And it's not just be the slobber one has to worry 'bout, either. Cats have been known to hog the nip. I've seen it happen, first paw. A cat gets hold of a nip mouse or biff bag and the next thing you know, that cat isn't givin' said nip mouse or biff bag back. Mouses, I haven't just seen it. I've been it! Been that nip-hoggin' cat, I mean. I'm a little addicted to the nip, you see. MOUSES!
You can't have a pawball game grind to a halt 'cause one of the players has got hold of the ball in play and refuses to let it go. Refuses to let anyone else play. Just wants to hunker down in the field and enjoy a little of nip before takin' a nap, usin' the pawball as a pillow. No, that wouldn't work at all.
And the headline would read... NAPGATE! - Game grinds to halt when Nerissa the Cat naps through second quarter in center field.
Then, of course, there's the whole drug use in professional sports thing. Not that nip is an illegal substance or anythin'. I mean, it's just an herb, really. And it's certainly not performance enhancin'. In fact, it's more like the opposite. Give a kitty a little nip and oh sure, you might have some zoomin' around the field but that zoomin' will be fairly short-lived. Nip-induced zoomies are almost always followed by naps or snacks and I speak from personal experience 'bout this.
Can you imagine what would happen if both teams suddenly stopped playin', mid-game, and headed into the stands lookin' for snacks?
Every paper would say... SNACKGATE! - Game delayed due to players searching for snacks.
No, I quickly realised that pawballs will need to be filled with regular stuffin' instead of the nip. Little knitted balls made of yarn and stuffin'. Regular stuffin'. No nip involved.
There will need to be various variations of pawball, for sure. Indoor, outdoor and street. And I'll need to pay careful attention to the acceptable surfaces upon which the game is to be played. There are so many choices! Tile, wood, carpet, grass, litter, etc... Different playin' surfaces will alter the play. For example, the coefficient of friction on a carpeted surface... Hmmm... Best just to say that a pawball won't be quite so speedy when rollin' over a carpet as a slippery floor but on the other paw, the carpet will provide good grippin' material for the players. Not so easy to grip on tile. I can attest to that. Race 'round a corner on a slippery floor and you might not stop 'til you hit a wall.
Walls! Of course. We must have walls in pawball like they do in hockey. You know, so that there's somethin' to stop the players if they can't stop themselves. I've heard 'bout Peep #1 ice skatin' and from what I understand, the walls are a vital part of her ability to stop. MOUSES!I'm thinkin' I have a bit more work to do with this little invention of mine. Got the actual pawball in mind but I need to think more 'bout the playin' surfaces. Also, I'll need to make up some rules, I think. Figure out how cats can score and whatnot.
And when I say score, I mean score points, I'm not talkin' about scorin' nip.
If I were, the headline would be... NIPGATE! - Home team drops out of playoffs when caught scoring nip on street outside sporting venue. Leads to house arrest. Nerissa the Cat is quoted as sayin'. "That sure was some good nip."
MOUSES!
