Growin' up, I always thought I was a peep.
I was talked to like a peep by all the other peeps. I was always spoken to in full sentences, with lots and lots of words, for there was no baby kitty talk for me.
Believin' I was a peep, I did peep things. Peep things like sittin' on peep chairs, and sleepin' on peep beds. I watched television with peeps. I read books with them, too. And like all the other peeps, I enjoyed hobbies such as knittin' and gardenin' and the chasin' of balls.
GROWIN' UP, I WAS A PEEP.
Then one day I looked in the mirror, and I said to myself...
"What the mouses? I don't look like a peep at all. I'm WAY BETTER LOOKIN' than your typical peep."
So I said to the first peep, "Peepers, you know somethin'? I think that maybe, instead of a peep, I'm actually a cat."
But would anyone believe me?
Well I got myself one of those DNA testin' thingies advertised on TV, and when the results came back, sure enough...
I, Seville the Cat, was in fact A CAT, and not a peep. MOUSES!
SO NOW I DO CAT THINGS. Cat things like...
Okay, so I still do all the same ol' things I did before.
Yeah, I do, 'cause it turns out, a lot of those peep things I used to do, are cat things, too. Peep things like...
Peep things like growin' up, not knowin' who or what you are. MOUSES!
I mean, how many peeps out there actually grow up thinkin' they're one thing, only to find out they're somethin' else entirely?
I MEAN, DOES THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN?
Well they say so on TV so it must be true. Right?
WRONG! They say lots of stuff on TV, and lots of it turns out to be totally untrue. Case in point: ALTERNATIVE FACTS.
Oh my gosh. What if peeps growin' up, thought they were cats? What if when growin' up, peeps were walkin' around on all fours...
Wait a minute. That's called crawlin' and that's exactly what baby peeps do.
Okay, so what if peeps ALREADY grown up thought they were cats, and were walkin' around on all fours? What if they were walkin' around on all fours, mewin' at other peeps and sniffin' each others' tails?
Oh my mouses! WHAT IF PEEPS HAD TAILS?
How on earth would they wear their pants?
And speakin' of pants...
Growin' up, I was always told I was a pair of pants.
Now you see how ridiculous that sounds?
But back to the topic of pants.
If while preparin' my din-dins, Peep #1 tells me to keep my pants on, but as a cat I don't wear any pants, how do I do that?
And if while attemptin' to clip my claws, Peep #1 says I have ants in my pants, but as a cat I don't wear any pants, how can that be?
But if I did wear pants, and I happened to have ants in said pants, would I not wanna remove 'em for sure?
And if those nonexistent ants in my nonexistent pants happened to be FIRE ants, would that make me a liar-liar wearin' pants that happened to be on fire? And would I be spewin' alternative facts?
Good thing I'm a cat and that cats wear pants. MOUSES!