They want to do what?
And these peeps got elected? Really? ON PURPOSE?
Wow. Peeps will elect just about anyone these days and yet my brother, Nissy, never got his appointment to the Canadian Senate. MOUSES!
If you've been on-line in the last few days, you've probably heard the big news. It's all over the net. It's everywhere. There are on-line petitions about it and everything. Cats and peeps from around the world are all talking about David Cameron's government introducing the Psychoactive Substances Bill in the House of Lords on May 28th. A bill to apply across the United Kingdom. A bill that has the potential to ban catnip. That's right folks, the UK government wants to ban the nip.
WHAT ARE THEY SMOKING?
Turns out, they may have been smoking the nip. MOUSES!
Panic was raging across the Internet. What, no nip for cats who are Brits? When a moggy can't get his paws on a little nip, the world has gone to you-know-where in a hand basket. And what is a hand basket, anyway? Perhaps it's a basket in which to carry your nip.
Terror was rising across the land for fear that the country had gone all to pot. Would backyard nip growers have their nip plants confiscated? Would Scotland Yard coppers be racing around the British Isles, breaking down garden fences and ripping out home-grown nip plants with their bare paws? I mean, hands? Would British prisons be filled to the brim with little old ladies who had been caught supplying knitted nip mice to local church bazaars? Would peeps really be doing time at Her Majesty's Pleasure for doing nothing more than growing a little catnip for their feline friends? And would their feline friends ever come to visit them in prison? MOUSES!
The Psychoactive Substances Bill will prohibit the production, distribution and sale of new psychoactive substances such as... wait for it... NIP.
According to several Internet sources, it has been confirmed that the term psychoactive substance does apply to Nepeta cataria. I can't track down exactly who confirmed this but word on the street is that it was someone in a governmental position. My question is this... What was he smoking because I'm pretty sure it was a whole lot stronger than the nip.
Have they all gone off their trolly?
Or maybe it's all a ploy made by politicians to get some international late-night television coverage. I can see it now... You can't prove it was nip in that pipe. Okay, fine. I smoked a little nip, once, way back in college, but I NEVER inhaled. MOUSES!
As you can imagine, the moment I heard about this catastrophe in the making, I got right on it. I did a little digging. No, not in the litter box. I dug around on the net. The Internet, to be exact. I read a whole bunch of stuff including the entire Psychoactive Substances Bill. All forty-eight pages of it and let me tell you, it nearly put me to sleep.
But reading the Psychoactive Substances Bill confirmed my worst fears. Indeed, it will be "an offence to produce, supply, offer to supply, possess with intent to supply, import or export psychoactive substances." Breaking the law will result in stiff fines and up to seven years in prison. Seven years. Do you have any idea how long that is in cat years? MOUSES!
No production means saying goodbye to having a little patch of the nip growing up against your garden wall. And no sales means that pet stores can't stock nip on their shelves. Gosh, you won't even be able find knitted nip mice at local car boot sales.
Thankfully, simple possession of the nip is not covered by the bill. Guess they don't want to throw a bunch of nipped-up moggies in prison with hardened criminals like... you know... WEASELS.
But I couldn't get rid of this nagging feeling. The feeling that considering nip to be a psychoactive substance was as barmy as barmy can be. CRAZY. Nissy would have said it was crazier than a squirrel making nut pies kind of crazy and I have to agree. MOUSES!
Now urban legend does say that catnip can make a peep high. Not high as in up on the cupboard shelves kind of high but rather, high as in being nipped. But this, my friends, is nothing more than an urban legend. Apparently, peeps once believed that smoking banana peels would do the same thing which caused a brief shortage of bananas in Berkley, California, back in the day. Need I say it? MOUSES!
On the other paw, consuming nutmeg and poppy seeds, can make peeps high. Oh yeah, they don't want catnip on pet store shelves but will they get rid of eggnog and poppy seed bagels? Probably not. Peeps are a very hypocritical species, you see.
Catnip is never going to make a peep high but it can affect how they feel. The active ingredient in nip is nepetalactone which can act as a sedative. A very mild sedative. Like drinking a glass of warm milk. Or reading the entire forty-eight pages of the Psychoactive Substances Bill all at one go. Believe me, I know.
Are they going to outlaw warm milk and government bills, too?
According to the Psychoactive Substances Bill, a psychoactive substance is anything that when consumed by a peep, affects them "by stimulating or depressing the person's central nervous system."
Now this is interesting because if that makes nip a psychoactive substance, surely chocolate and coffee are as well. I know first paw that my first peep without coffee in the morning is a very scary peep, indeed. But pour a pot of the brew down her throat and all of a sudden, she's Little Miss Cheerful. And as for chocolate? Never seen a happier peep than a peep who just ate a chocolate bar. MOUSES!
So I dug a little deeper and I think, my British feline friends, you're going to be okay. Apparently there are exceptions. So-called legitimate things that may very well be psychoactive substances but will not be made illegal so as to allow peeps access to their coffee and chocolate, not to mention alcohol, baccy and a few dodgy things.
Currently, catnip is not listed as an exception. At least not specifically. I suggest you bombard David Cameron with phone calls and e-mails, demanding that catnip be added to this exceptional list of exceptions for if peeps can have their nutmeg-laced eggnog and poppy seed bagels, surely a moggy can have a little nip.
After all, it's not your fault that some peeps think smoking the stuff is going to make them high. I mean, some peeps still think the Earth is flat and others think that the moon is made of cheese. Cheese... Mmm.... MOUSES!
In other words, some peeps are just naturally nipped and have managed to get themselves nipped without imbibing in catnip at all.
On the other paw, perhaps they were smoking bananas. MOUSES!