Sunday, 28 September 2014

nippin' the wine

So I was hemmin' and hawin' about what to do for the peep's birthday.

That's right, Ol' Peepers was havin' a birthday.  In fact, she had it, yesterday. Yesterday, she officially turned older than the hills.

Scratch that.  She is as old as the hills but not actually older than them.  The hills probably had a birthday yesterday, too.  The peep and the hills appear to be keepin' up with one another.  Along with the Joneses.

Anywho...  Like I was sayin', I was hemmin' and I was hawin' about what to do for Ol' Peepers' birthday.  What should I get her?  What would she like?

I tossed around a few ideas.  Jewelry?  Nah,  She didn't need any of that.  Bottles of stink?  Nah, I did't need her havin' any of that.  Books?  Books always make for fine gifts but truth be told, the peep is always gettin' books, anyway.  Then I thought...  PLUMERIA!  The peep would love some more plumeria.  Then I remembered that plumies have already taken over all the prime sunpuddles in my sun room and I thought better of that.  No more plumies for the peep.

So I was still hemmin' and I was still hawin' when it came to me.  The most brilliant idea in the history of the world - EVER - popped right into my head.  Everyone loves nip.  I could get the peep some nip!

But truth be told, Peep #1 had never really shown a keen interest in nip mice and whatnot.  Hmmm... Maybe nip wasn't such a...

SCRATCH THAT!  The peep likes human nip.  The peeps have been known to get stuff at the human nip store.  So I immediately went on-line to check out their selection of nip wine, beer, spirits, etc...  Unfortunately, the human nip store was sadly lackin' in the nip department.  Couldn't find a thing.  MOUSES!

But all was not lost.  The human nip store is merely a middle man for the growin' wine industry in this here province called Nova Scotia.  If I was wantin' the best of the best, I was gonna have to go to the source.  I immediately realised that the wineries could very well be keepin' the best for themselves. They could be hoardin' all the nip wines.

"SIVVERS!  PREPARE THE TELEPORTATION DEVICE."  I cried. We're gonna teleport on over to some Nova Scotia wineries and vineyards in search of nip wine.

"No can do, bro," explained Seville.  "Never nip and teleport.  It's the law."

Hmmm...  Seville was right.  Teleportin' under the influence is not only illegal but also, extremely dangerous.  What to do?  WHAT TO DO?

That's when the answer came to me.  I would send Plush Nissy out on assignment.  The plush me would go out in search of the holy grail of wines.  He could travel with the peeps.  Wouldn't matter if he got nipped 'cause the peeps would be drivin'.  No teleportin', required.

So Plush Nissy was sent off.  The peeps thought they were goin' for a nice little drive in the country, checkin' out a local winery or two.  Little did they know that the plush me was in search of the best prezzie ever for Peep #1.  Little did they know that the plush me was gonna get nipped.  I mean, get some nip wine, of course.

It wasn't long before the peeps and Plush Nissy were in the heart of wine country.  P.N. contacted me as soon as the peeps had exited the car.  "The peeps have entered the first winery," he informed me.

I instructed P.N. to head out into the vineyards, lookin' for nip.  But look and look as he might, he came up empty-pawed.  "Nothing here but grapes, Niss.  Not a nip plant in sight," he said.

MOUSES!

So I told the plush me to go on into the winery itself to do a little investigative work.  "Listen in to the peeps' conversations and report back the moment you learn the whereabouts of the nip," I instructed.

I learned afterwards that the peeps workin' at the winery were somewhat surprised to see a plush cat scampering across the winery floor.  Guess they had never seen that happen before.  MOUSES!

Plush Nissy listened intently as peeps talked about red and white wines.  And table wines...  Table wines?  Where else are you gonna serve 'em?  THE FLOOR?  MOUSES!

Sweet wines were kinda poo-pooed.  Bet Peep #1 didn't appreciate that, too much.  She prefers her humour drier than her wine, I do believe.

The plush me watched, enviously, as the peeps took sips of wine which they really seemed to enjoy. "Don't try the wine!" I hollered over our telecommunications device.  "Red wine will stain your plush fur!"

"Don't worry, Nissy.  Gotta keep my wits about me if I'm gonna find the stash of nip wine.  Don't wanna be impaired.  Plus, I think the owner of the winery will notice if I hop up onto the desk and ask for a sip of the stuff."

Wipin' the sweat from my brow, I breathed a sigh of relief, realizin' that the plush me was on the ball and not takin' any chances of bein' caught.  It was bad enough that he was hoppin' up on tables and desks, peekin' at the labels of various wine bottles, lookin' for ones labelled as nip.  "Keep lookin'," I told him.  "I just know the nip wine has gotta be somewhere."

So the plush me continued to search but once again, he came up empty-pawed.  There was not a bottle of nip wine to be found.  Clearly, the proprietors of the winery had already consumed it all.  MOUSES!

Either that or it was locked in a safe somewhere in the basement, behind numerous locked doors, kept out of reach of cats such as myself.

"Niss," the plush me began, "are you sure they even make nip wine?  All I saw growing out there in the vineyards were grapes.  Some were green.  Some where red.  Not one was nipped."

I thought about P.N.'s question, carefully.  Hmmm...  "Peeps make fruit wines," I told him, "and they don't use grapes for that.  They use strawberries and similar things, I think."

"But strawberries are more like grapes then nip is," the plush me said.  "I mean, they're both kind of sweet and fruity."

"You might have a point there," I told the plush me.  "But on the other paw, peeps make wine from dandelions.  Those aren't fruit.  They're weeds..."

MOUSES!  That's when it dawned on me.  Why hadn't I thought of it before?  Maybe the wineries were only makin' wine from grapes 'cause in their vineyards, all they were growin' were grapes. Maybe the wineries weren't makin' nip wine at all.

Nah...  that was foolish talk, that was.  That couldn't possibly be it.  Clearly, nip wine would be the finest of the fine when it came to the wine.  And with all the cats out and about shoppin' on the Internet these days, there would be a real market for the stuff.  Obviously, the nip wine was bein' kept under lock and key.

"Look for a key!" I instructed the plush me.  "LOOK FOR A KEY!"

"No can do," the plush me replied.  "The peeps just bought some wine and are getting ready to leave. They're my ride."

Plush Nissy was right.  If the peeps left without him, he'd have no way to return home.

"Abort!  ABORT!" I ordered the plush me.  "Abort the mission.  Return to the car."

I sat back on my haunches and thought for a moment.  For now, the nip wine was out of reach.  But never underestimate the abilities of a cat, such as myself, in search of the nip.  A little research on my part would be required.  All I needed was to get my paws on the blueprints for one of those wineries.  With the blueprints, I could find the most secure locations where one would hide valuable bottles of nip wine.  Then all that would be left to do would be to find the key.

Yup, a little research on my part and I'd be ready to send the plush me out on assignment again, armed with the location of the nip wine.   Just had to regroup for now.  This particular mission would have to wait for another day.

Awww...  MOUSES!  But havin' found no nip wine, what was I gonna give the peep for her birthday?   I held my head in my paws.  What to do?  WHAT TO DO?

I decided on givin' the peep, cuddles.  Peep #1 always loves cuddles and quite frankly, cuddles wrapped up in a cat such as myself, are a pretty great gift to get.  Yup.  One of the best gifts of all.  Perhaps even better than nip wine.  From the viewpoint of a peep, that is.  MOUSES!