Wednesday, 27 July 2016

the cuddle monster

So like I was sayin', Andy, it's like this.  The cuter you are, the more you get picked up and cuddled.  That's why you don't get picked up and cuddled as much as I...

FINE.  You get picked up too.  Yeah, yeah... Cuddled as well.  And kissed.

Wait a minute.  Wait a cotton pickin' moused up minute.  Were you complainin' that you do or do not get picked up enough?

Oh yeah.  Okay.  Well, the problem is, you're too cute for your own good.  If you were less cute, Peep #1 wouldn't pick you up nearly as much.  And there wouldn't be so much cuddlin' goin' on, either.

And by the way, you still don't get picked up and cuddled as much as I do.  If ever there were a cat to have a right to be complainin' about too much cuddling and stuff, it would be me.  I mean, just the other day...

Yeah, yeah...  Toby gets picked up a lot too.

Toby has two problems goin' on there.  First of all, she's small, like a kitten, even though she's all grown up.  That makes her super cute.  And secondly, she's small, like a kitten, and that makes her really light.  Turns out, the lighter you are, the easier it is for a peep to pick you up.  MOUSES!

So THAT'S why you're always asking for extra treats.  You want to be too heavy for the peeps to pick you up, huh?

Well Andy, that's just not gonna work.

Well I'LL TELL you why.  I was just gettin' to that.  First of all, Andy, you're already the heaviest of all of us cats and Peep #1 is still pickin' you up.  So if you've been aimin' to be too heavy for cuddles, you've failed on that account, for sure.  And secondly, I don't know if you've noticed or not, but the peep picks up those big, heavy bags of manure for the garden and...

NO, I'm not callin' you a big bag of poopies.  MOUSES!

Although if the paw fits...  Uh... What's that?  Ummm....  Never mind.

Andy, I'm tryin' to explain that if Peep #1 can lug around a big ol' bag of manure for the garden, which is pretty darned heavy, she's probably gonna be able to pick you up, too.  I don't think that even you could pack in enough treats to make yourself heavier than a big ol' bag of garden manure.

Although LORD KNOWS you do try.  MOUSES!

Andy, if you're really annoyed by all the cuddling, you should do what Tess does.  You know, how she growls all the time?  Growls at this and that, and that and this, and just about everythin' in between.

Oh yeah, you're right.  Even with all that growling, Peep #1 still picks Tess up and gives her kisses and everythin'.

BUT NEVER FOR LONG!  MOUSES!

Andy, do you even know how to growl?  Not sure if I've ever heard you growl.  I've seen you smacky paw a cat.  Goodness knows, I've been on the receiving end of those giant-sized, part Coon smacky paws of yours, but now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever actually heard you growl.   If you're in need of some growlin' lessons, I hear Tess gives classes in 'em.  Cheap.  MOUSES!

No, that's not how Mason avoids bein' picked up.  Mason never growls either.  But she squirms! She's a squirmy wormy, for sure.  I've heard Peep #1 call her that many a time and once, the doctor even called her a squirmy wormy without knowin' the peep was already doin' that, so obviously, Mason is a true squirmy wormy, for sure.  She can't avoid actually bein' picked up, but is usually able to squirm her way out of the peep's grasp without too many kisses.

Rushton?  Hmmm...  Let me think on that for a bit.

Actually, I don't think Rushy avoids bein' picked up.  Or bein' kissed!  To tell you the truth, I think he kinda likes it.

I know!  MOUSES!

And did you see?  Last night, Peep #1 even picked up - and kissed - Dionysia.  The peep doesn't even know if Dionysia is a girl or a boy yet, and she's already takin' advantage of any opportunity she can, to get close enough to her (or him) and give him (or her) cuddles and kisses and...

You noticed that too, huh?  Yup, Dionysia wasn't all that thrilled with the cuddles.  She's more of a you-may-pet-me-on-the-top-of-my-head-prior-to-feeding-me-out-here-on-the-veranda-but-no-more kinda cat, for sure.

Wait 'til Dionysia finds out 'bout the peep finding us cats so irresistible for cuddling.  Wait 'til she finds out the peep is a cuddle monster.  Wait 'til finds out that if ever there were an award from bein' a cuddle monster, Peep #1 would win said award, for sure.  MOUSES!

What do I do?  What do I, Seville the Cat, do to avoid bein' picked up, cuddled and kissed?

Well...

Well for starters, I shed a lot.  A peep can't pick me up without my leavin' my mark on 'em, so to speak.  And dependin' upon what the peeps are wearin', this sheddin' of mine does avoid a lot of cuddlin'.  You may have noticed that neither of the peeps ever pick me up when they're on their way out the door.

Yeah, you're right.  It IS a totally different story when they return.

Fact is, Andy, I get picked up and cuddled and kissed an awful lot.  Way too much for my liking, to be sure.  It's the price one pays for bein' so gosh darned handsome and cute and cuddly and irresistible, I suppose.

But what can I do?  It's not like I can stop bein' handsome.  Not like I can stop bein' cute.  Not like I can stop bein' cuddly.  Not like I can stop bein' kissable.  Not like I can...

What's that, Andy?  Not like I can stop bein' WHAT?

ANDY!  MOUSES!

And that, my brother, is why you are not picked up and cuddled as much as I.  MOUSES!