Sunday, 26 April 2015

toilet paper wars

There's never a dull moment at my house and that's for sure. MOUSES!

And you know somethin'? Of course you do.  In fact, you probably know quite a few somethings. But do you know this here particular somethin' about which I'm plannin' to blog?

Toilet paper.  Yup, that's right.  I'm gonna be bloggin' about toilet paper, today.  MOUSES!!!

You know, there have always been ads on television for the stuff.  Toilet paper, I mean.  All sorts of 'em.  They run the gamut from featuring cute little kitties to puttin' peeps on show dressed up in dresses made of it.

Dresses made of toilet paper...  What will they think of next?

You know, toilet paper dresses are all fun and games until someone gets caught in a sudden shower.  MOUSES!

Thankfully, no one has yet decided to ran an ad with peeps on show wearin' toilet paper bathin' suits and then askin' them to swim 'cause I'm thinkin' that that might result in a peep show not suitable for daytime TV, if you know what I mean.  Talk about a wardrobe malfunction.  MOUSES!

But speakin' of ads that walk that fine line of suitability...   No, I'm not talkin' 'bout models on the catwalk nor am I talking 'bout cats walkin' the walk and talkin' the talk.  I'm talking 'bout peeps gettin' into these ever-more-personal discussions 'bout bathrooms and toilet paper and whatnot.

Next thing you know, they'll be digging the dirt 'bout cats usin' the litter box.  MOUSES!

Thankfully, there are currently no kitty litter advertisements showin' kitties actually usin' their boxes.  No self-respectin' cat would ever appear in an ad like that.  MOUSES!

But I'll let you in on a little secret.  A little secret you probably already knew but one you've never seen on an advertisement on television although for the life of me, I don't know why.

We kitties enjoy usin' the toilet paper, too.  MOUSES!

Of course, we use it a little differently than the peeps.  For us, toilet paper is more of a toy than a necessity although truth be told, it could be considered a necessary toy.

Word on the street is that the original spelling of toilet paper was actually toylet paper but some nincompoop misspelled it as toilet paper and the incorrect spellin' stuck.  MOUSES!

Okay, so maybe that's just the word on the street on which I live but still, it is a street and about that, I'll give you my word.

So 'bout this toylet paper...

For a long time, my peeps stopped hangin' the rolls of toilet paper on the wall.  Any such hung roll was an invitation to play.  I never really got into that game, myself, but my aunties were Olympic champions at the sport.  Took them only minutes to seek out and destroy such rolls.  MOUSES!

Eventually, my aunties tired of this sport and peeps were able to put rolls up again but for some reason, they never did so in the upstairs bath.  Don't know why.  They just never did.  Perhaps they knew somethin' I didn't.  MOUSES!

But just other day, Peep #2 discovered a roll of toilet paper in shreds.  Shredded to bits.  Shredded right down to its core.  It was a goner, for sure.

The peeps looked at the dead roll of paper and immediately recognised the work of a cat. Apparently, there were claw marks and everythin'.  MOUSES!

So was one of us playin' shred the toilet paper roll in the upstairs bath?

Actually, believe it or not, no.

The peeps figured out that the toilet paper had not been used as a toy.  Shreddin' pattern didn't indicate that, at all.  Instead, it appeared that the toilet paper had fallen victim to bein' used as a treadmill of some sort.

Peep #1 knew at once that the culprit was Tess.

Now I have to admit that upon hearin' the word treadmill, I immediately thought of my sister, Tess, too.  She has been showin' a little middle-aged spread, as of late.  Gosh, she must be seven or eight years old by now. Maybe even nine!  I figured she might have been gettin' her exercising in by jogging on the roll of shredded toilet paper.  I mean, isn't that what treadmills are for?

But Tess totally denied doin' any such thing.  Well, she denied the treadmill part, at least.

From what the peeps and I were able to piece together, Tess was tryin' to get out the upstairs bathroom window.  Nothin' new 'bout that.  She does it all the time.  Thing is, peeps aren't usually so careless as to leave a roll of toilet paper hangin' on the wall beneath that particular window.  Usually, they leave such things on the counter and out of harms way.

Apparently, Tess was haulin' herself up onto the window ledge as she usually does.  She can actually make the jump quite easily but has learned that jumpin' up on windowsills without first knowin' if the accompanying windows are open can be a rather dangerous thing.  Far better to haul oneself up onto the ledge so as not to bang ones head on the glass.

Well there she was, haulin' herself up when a back paw found somethin' protrudin' out of the wall. "A pawhold!" she cried.  So she put a rear paw on the newly discovered pawhold only to find that it moved beneath her.  So, of course, she dug in her claws and used her other hind paw to steady herself.  But the pawhold continued to move.  It rolled and she dug in deeper but it rolled even more. She said it was like watchin' peeps on television walkin' on logs in a river.  MOUSES!

Tess continued to scramble around on the moving pawhold, growling at it to stay put.

Keep in mind, my sister Tess loves to growl at just about everythin' including the weather, closed doors and stationary objects sitting in her way so although I was not an actual witness to the above events, I can say with complete and utter confidence that growling was most definitely involved.

Well the toilet paper roll continued to roll and roll and roll until finally, it could roll no more.  Like I said earlier, it was dead.  Shredded to its core.  A goner, for sure.

That's when Tess finally scrambled up onto the window ledge only to find the window closed. MOUSES!

Pretty sure there was some growlin' at that discovery, too.

Anywho...  The peeps have learned their lesson, I think.  No more rolls of toilet paper hang on the wall in the upstairs bath. Tess has learned a lesson as well.  Toilet paper rolls make lousy pawholds, for sure.

And me?  Have I learned a lesson in these toilet - toylet paper wars?  Well I wouldn't go so far as to say I've learned a lesson but I will say that the whole affair was rather entertainin', for sure.  MOUSES!


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Please remember that throughout the month of April, a portion of all sales of the book Rescued: The Stories of 12 Cats, Through Their Eyes will go to the wonderful Anjellicle Cats Rescue of New York, helpin' them to help save cats' lives.  You can purchase your very own copy at your local book store or on Amazon by clicking right HERE.  You'll wanna stock up for holiday gift-giving, for sure.  PURRS.