fifty-six weeks

IT DOESN'T INCLUDE YOU.

I SAID, IT. DOESN'T. INCLUDE. YOU.

Mouses Saffron, when the peeps say they're social distancin' - ie, keepin' their distance from other peeps - it doesn't apply to us cats.  Oh sure, sometimes we cats would LIKE for it to apply to us.  In fact, MOST OF THE TIME we'd like for it to apply to us, but facts are facts and it simply doesn't, you see.

Unfortunately.

MOUSES!

What do I mean by that?

Well...

Well it's like this: when a peep wants to pick you up and cuddle you, practically SMOTHERIN' you with kisses, they do it whether they're in the ol' social distancin' mode, or not.  No six paws between peeps and cats, they say.  There's no peep-cat social distancin' rule.

Unfortunately.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I hear what you're sayin'.  A six paw peep-cat social distancin' rule makes a whole lotta sense, for sure.  But peeps make these rules, and they make 'em with peeps' wants and needs in mind, you see.  That's how it is.  Unfair, for sure, but it is what they do.

MOUSES!

So my point is...

I SAID, MY POINT IS, there's no need for you to still be social distancin' from Peepers, Saffron.  She'd like for you to get close enough to her to let her pick you up and stuff - you know, so that she can cuddle you and smother you with kisses - but it's kinda hard for Peepers to do that when you refuse to let her get anywhere near.

So I'm askin'...

NO, I'm BEGGIN' that you start lettin' Peepers get a little closer, and...

Why am I so anxious for you to let Peepers pick you up, you ask?

Well...

Well it's like this: for the past three hundred and four million, eight hundred and nineteen thousand, two hundred cats seconds, I'M BEEN HAVIN' TO DEAL WITH PEEPERS' CUDDLES AND KISSES ALL BY MYSELF.  And that's a whole lotta cuddles and kisses for one cat to tolerate on his own, so...

So...

SO...

SO I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THE HOUSEHOLD KITTY CUDDLE AND KISS RESPONSIBILITIES.  I need you to help ease my load.  A burden shared is a burden halved, they say.  You know, that sorta thing.  It would make the next few months of this ol' pandemic a whole lot easier on me.

Yeah, yeah, a whole lot easier on me but harder for you.  I hear you, but...

But...

But honestly, I don't really care.  Come on, Saffron.  Stop social distancin' from the peeps and come live here in my house.  Give your big brother a break!

I do, however, suggest you continue washin' your paws.  One never knows what germs peeps might have, and you don't wanna catch 'em, for sure.

Saffron, I'll even share my catnip with you.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, okay?  I'M SORRY!

I said I was sorry, and I meant it.

Sorta.  Kinda.  Mostly, I suppose.

*crosses claws and hides them behind his back*

Won't you PLEASE come back?  Please?  PLEASE?  PUH-LEEEEASE?

What if I were to uh...

Umm...

Admit I was wrong?

No, that won't do.  Everyone knows that I, Seville the Cat, am NEVER wrong.

MOUSES!

Well, what if I were to offer you not only some of my kibble, if you were to return, but also some of the fanciest of the feasts?  Maybe even topped with the nip?   Oohhh...  And a dash of cream, and...

*runs to fridge to make sure there's cream to spare*

Yeah, I can do a dash of cream, as long as it's the teeniest tiniest dash you ever did see.

Like as in a drop.

MOUSES!

And what if I were to,,,,

OH FOR MOUSIN' OUT LOUD.  I'm not willin' to beg, Mother Nature.  Either you come back here with spring in tow, or you don't, BUT I'M NOT WILLIN' TO BEG.  If you wanna behave like a spoilt rotten little kid, well I guess there's not much I can do about it.  I'm sittin' here with my claws crossed behind my back, offerin' you an olive branch, of sorts, with my extended pa...

Nope, my paws are behind my back so I can't really do that.

With my tail.

MOUSES!

Look here, Mother Nature, if you won't do it for me, do it for the kids...  I mean, peeps.  That storm you blew in on Sunday night was a doozie, for sure.  Those winds whipped through the trees and blew Peepers' little plant dome things all away.  She found one but Monday afternoon, the kiddies across the street appeared with the other.  That's right, all your huffin' and puffin' had blown it right out of the yard!

Obviously...

Obviously you were havin' a temper tantrum.

AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN OUT TEMPER TANTRUM ME...

YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THINK COMIN', FOR SURE.

MOUSES!

*heads into the house, prepared to eat copious amounts of cheese*

I'LL GAS THE WHOLE PLACE OUT!

MOUSES!

"Oh Seville..."

Yes, Peepers?  You called?

"I thought you would want to know, the weatherman says it's going to be 16C this afternoon and partly sunny."

You mean like as in spring?

"Looks like it, yes."

Oh my mouses!  OH MY MOUSES!  MOTHER NATURE IS COMIN' BACK WITH SPRING WEATHER, AFTER ALL!

Just goes to show you, my sweet and ever-so-charming PURRsonality is irresistible, for sure.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

little Christmas

 

And so it's Christmas...

Well, LITTLE Christmas, to be exact.  We're celebratin' Little Christmas at my house, today.

Kinda.

Sorta.

MOUSES!

The thing is, when Peepers was growin' up, her Papa Peep never let the Christmas tree be taken down 'til after January 6th, otherwise known in her house as Little Christmas.  That was the rule.  That was the law.  It was enforced by Papa Peep.

MOUSES!

So now...

So now, now that Peepers is in charge...

Kinda.

Sorta. 

Right after ME.

MOUSES!

So now that Peepers is in charge, the rule stays almost the same.  Tree stays up 'til Little Christmas, and we put the lights on every night 'til, and includin', then.

But...

But Peepers does it a little differently than Papa Peep.  Papa Peep always said the tree had to stay up 'til Little Christmas, and then should come down right afterwards.  Peepers, on the other paw, just says it has to stay up 'til Little Christmas, without ever givin' a date for takin' it down, so...

So...

So come February, if our Christmas tree is still up, Peepers will explain, "Well it HAD to stay up until Little Christmas, you see."

Apparently, that reason can be given at ANY time of year, includin' right up to the spring.

LITERALLY.

I've seen it happen.

MOUSES!

But even Peepers hesitates to light the lights up once we pass, say...

Middle of February or Valentine's Day.

APPARENTLY, Peepers does not have the conviction of her character, so to speak, so even if the tree is still up a whole month or more after Christmas, she's a tad embarrassed of the fact if the neighbours see the lights through the window, but...

But...

But if questioned 'bout the tree still bein' up on Valentine's Day, I can absolutely guarantee what Peepers will say: Well it HAD to stay up until Little Christmas, you see.

Yup, I've heard her say exactly that as late as February 21st.

MOUSES!

I'm just hopin' Little Christmas means an extra biff bag or nip mouse or bag of treats might come my way.

'Cause you know, I'm a cat, and we cats think with our tummies and nip-sniffin' noses.

And spendin' one more night safely indoors and away from the crowds, gazin' up at the tree while high on the nip and stuffed full of treats, is A-Okay ALRIGHTY by me.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

it's beginnin' to look a lot like...

IT'S BEGINNIN' TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.  All the...

Hmmm...  LOOK like Christmas?  It's beginnin' to LOOK a lot like Christmas?

Nah, that's not right but I can fix it, for sure.

IT'S BEGINNIN' TO SMELL A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.  All the...

"SEVILLE!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?  WHAT'S THAT DISGUSTING SMELL?"

I'm makin' Christmas candy, Peepers.  Wanna taste?

MOUSES!

"It doesn't smell like candy, Seville.  And I thought I told you not to use the stove."

Never, ever, EVER have you told me to not use the stove, Peepers.  What you have said is, you don't want me jumpin' up ONTO the stove, and I'm not, see?   I'm sittin' on this here stool, BESIDE the stove.  Beside, not on.  Beside and on are not the same thing, Peepers.  Did they not teach you anythin' useful in school?  I sure do hope you didn't pay a lot for that education of yours 'cause quite frankly, if you did, you got gypped.

MOUSES!

*Peepers sighs*  Then what are you making?  It stinks, Seville.  It really, REALLY stinks."

That's because your sense of smell isn't as refined as mine on account of my bein' a cat and you bein' a mere peep.  That, and the fact that you have rotten taste.

MOUSES!

Don't look at me like that, Peepers.  Don't you roll your eyes at me.  Like I said, I'm makin' candy.  I'm usin' a recipe I found in one of your cookbooks.  A recipe for fruit jellies.

"You are?  What did you do, then?  Did you burn the sugar?  Fruit jellies shouldn't stink like that."

Don't be ridiculous, Peepers.  Firstly, my cookin' doesn't stink.   And secondly, I'm not usin' sugar.  I'm a cat.  I don't like sugar!  I left out all the stupid stuff like sugar and fruit, and replaced 'em with GOOD things like catnip and chicken bones.  Sound good?

"NO...  It sounds gross, which shouldn't be a surprise, I suppose, as it SMELLS gross, too."

*Seville breaths in deeply*  AH....  Nope, I think it smells just right.  Wanna paw over that buttered dish?  I think my nippy chicken bone candy is about ready to pour.

"You're on your own here, Seville.  I'm getting out of your way before I pass out from the overwhelming stink."

Suit yourself, Peepers, but be sure to come back when I start my next lot of candy.  I'm gonna try your caramel recipe.  Lots of cream and butter, NO sugar - yuk! - and a couple cans of sardines.  It's gonna be scrumptious, for sure.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

it's rainin'

It's rainin', it's pourin'; the old man is snor....

Actually, it's not.  Not rainin', I mean.  The rain has finally stopped.

MOUSES!

BUT YESTERDAY...

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, it rained so hard yesterday, I thought the house was gonna get up off its foundation and float, float away.

Either that, or sink.

MOUSES!

AND THE WIND?

I'm actually kinda amazed our house didn't lift off the ground and take flight!  The wind blew and blew and BLEW, then blew a bit more.  And it went on like that for hours.  DAYS.  WEEKS!

Okay, so maybe that's a tad of an exaggeration.  The wind blew for 'bout twenty-four hours.  BUT IN CAT TIME, you've gotta multiply that by nine, so by MY calculations, it had to have been blowin' for approximately a week, two days, five hours, and fifteen minutes, give or take a second or two.  Or nine.

MOUSES!

Then this mornin', Peepers had to go out and check for damage in the yard.  I would have gone with her but the ground was all wet and icky, and I like to keep my paws dry.

Heeheehee...

HEEHEEHEE...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You want in on the joke?

Of course you do.

MOUSES!

When Peepers came back inside this mornin' - you know, after her checkin' in the yard for wind damage - her shoes were so sodden, she could have wrung 'em out and collected a gallon of water.

Yup, the ground was that wet.

PUDDLES EVERYWHERE!

Wait.  Wait a minute.  You just hold on there, ol' peep of mine.  PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!  Peepers, there are puddles out there?  PUDDLES?  YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!!!  Puddles are full of puddle water and I love puddle water.  Love it?  No, I ADORE IT, for sure.  I, Seville the Cat, AM A CONNOISSEUR of the puddle water, you see.

COME ON PEEP.  Grab those soakin' wet shoes of yours and put 'em on your paws...  I mean, feet.  There's puddle water out there just waitin' for me.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.