I could pee on that

Hmm...  I could pee on that, you know.

No, I CAN pee on that, I think.

NO, I WILL pee on that, for sure.

Hehehehehee...

Actually, I already did.

MOUSES!

So the peep was busy plantin' stuff in the garden on Monday, and you know what I did?

That's right, I peed on it.

MOUSES!

Okay, so TECHNICALLY I didn't pee on the stuff she planted.  From firstpaw experience, I know for a fact that peein' on the peep's plants never goes over well.  Peeps frown upon such things, you see.

MOUSES!

So upon what did I pee, you ask?

Well...

Well for starters, Peepers planted some leeks in a big ol' container out back.  I had to investigate what she was doin', on account of the STENCH emanatin' from said planter.  FYI, leeks are related to onions and as a cat, I KNOW that onions stink, so therefore...

Therefore, leeks stink, too.

MOUSES!

I watched the peep doin' what she was doin', all the while holdin' my breath and pinchin' my nose.  Then, after she was done stinkin' up the place, I thought to myself, you know...

You know, I could pee on that planter, for sure.

So I turned my back to the planter, lifted my tail...

AND PEED.

MOUSES!

"Oh Seville," the peep sighed.

Hehehehehee...

A little while later, Peepers was pottin' up some celery and stuff into separate containers.  Now I couldn't quite reach the little pots she was usin', on account of her havin' put 'em out of my reach - I know, the nerve! - but after she was all done, I noticed the pile of bags of potting stuff sittin' next to the garage.  Pottin' stuff she had been usin' to pot up those plants I couldn't quite reach, and I thought to myself...

You know, I could pee on those bags, for sure.

So I turned my back to the bags, lifted my tail...

AND PEED.

MOUSES!

"Oh Seville," the peep again sighed.

Hehehehehee...

And once Peepers was all done doin' all the stuff she had been doin' with the stinky leeks and little pots out of my reach, she went to cover a whole bunch of plants with some fleece.  I watched as she carefully draped the fleece over the plants, then secured all the edges with clothes pegs.  And I noticed that the fleece was lookin' very spiffy, indeed, which was odd, 'cause only the day before, that very same fleece had quite a bit of dirt on it, several holes ripped right through, and a couple interestin' yellow stains.  I asked Peepers 'bout how come it looked so clean and fresh and she said, "This fleece is NEW."

Hmm...  I thought 'bout the fleece bein' new and all, and said to myself...

You know, I could pee on that fleece, for sure.

So I turned my back to the fleece, lifted my tail...

AND PEED.

MOUSES!

Now, on account of my going 'round the garden peein' on stuff, Peepers is Talkin' 'bout Takin' me to see Dr T.  Methinks I'm gonna have to curtail my sprayin' of things for a while, for sprayin' on stuff all willy nilly like, gives peeps the wrong impression, you see.  Peeps assume there's somethin' medically wrong, when really...

Really, I'm just markin' my TerriToRY.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

my bad

So probably not the best of ideas.

Hmmm...

Somethin' I probably shouldn't have done.

Hmmm...

Best not try that one again.

HMMM...

Oh well.  My bad.

MOUSES!

As many of you have already heard, this past Sunday was a downright BEAUTIFUL DAY here in Nova Scotia.  Sunny and warm and well...

Well beautiful, for sure.

And to make things even better, the peep took advantage of said beautiful day and dragged a whole bunch of stuff out of the garage.

Now most of the stuff she was draggin' was stupid and of absolutely no interest to me.  You know, on account of my not bein' interested in stupid stuff.

But some of the stuff...

Some of the stuff was the most AMAZIN' kinda stuff, of all.  The kinda amazing stuff a kitty dreams of finding, for sure.

MOUSES!

Remember those nip plants I, Seville the Cat, grew last year?  The ones I started all by myself from seed?  You know, the ones I had to grow myself on account of the peep proving - ONCE AGAIN - to be totally useless in the growin' of nip.

Yeah, those are the ones.

MOUSES!

Well last fall, the peep put those catnip plants of mine into the garage for the winter, and on Sunday...

On Sunday, she dragged 'em outside.

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At first I hadn't realised 'bout this wonderful thing ol' Peepers had done.  That's right, believe it or not, on Sunday, I was totally unawares.

But on Monday...

On Monday, I found my potted nippers and boy-oh-boy was I ever pleased.  I rubbed up against the pots, and the plants within the pots, and then the pots once more.  I nudged them with my head, and gently batted at 'em with my paws, all while purring up a storm.

Let me tell you, my friends, I was so incredibly ecstatic 'bout my catnip plants surviving the winter and bein' alive, I thought...

I thought...

I thought, I need to let everybody know that these here catnip plants are mine.

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So I spun right around...

And lifted my tail...

AND MARKED 'EM ALL FOR ALL TO SMELL.

MOUSES!

But then...

But then I thought, okay, so that might not have been the best of ideas.

You know, on account of my now bein' the proud owner of nine catnip plants that have been uh...

Well...

Sprayed.

MOUSES!

So now I'm thinkin'...

Hoping, is more like it.

Now I'm hoping, maybe it'll rain.  Maybe the rain will come again and wash what I sprayed - and it's safe to say it wasn't fertiliser - away.

Maybe.

But if not...

If not, I've got some slightly sprayed-upon nip plants for sale.

Goin' real cheap.

But you've gotta be quick!  Yup, you've gotta be quick 'cause if need be, I'll dry out those leaves and give 'em to the peep for her to make up some tea.

For herself, of course, on account of my not wantin' peed-upon catnip tea for me.

But what the peep doesn't know won't hurt her.

Will it?

MOUSES!

I've still got it

"Is that a new perfume, Peepers?"

"It smells..."

"Hmmm..."

"It smells kinda FUNKY, if you ask me."

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, it all started early one mornin', when the peep, bein' a peep, informed me that someone had sprayed on a chair.  A chair that just happened to have some clothes lyin' on it.

Well if you ask me, chairs aren't supposed to be used as clothes closets in the first place, so if you go around leavin' clothes lyin' about on 'em, you're just askin' for trouble with a capital 'T'.

MOUSES!

I, of course, bein' the ever so helpful kitty I am, immediately pointed that out to the peep.

Then, I, bein' the EXTREMELY EVER SO HELPFUL kitty I am, explained to the peep how she should take care not to do stuff like...  Well...  Well like sprayin' on chairs and clothes and things.  'Cause sprayin' is simply not becomin' of a peep.

I also added that accordin' to several advertisements on TV, there are products available to treat issues like these.

Yeah, well it kinda went downhill after that.

The conversation, I mean.  Not the pee.

Although...

Never mind.

MOUSES!

You know, there I was, bein' SO VERY, VERY HELPFUL, explainin' how important it is to get to the litter box before...  Well, you know...  Before it's too late, when...

"Oh sure, accidents can happen," I explained to the peep, "but they don't need to, you see.  You just have to..."

And that, my friends, is where the conversation hit rock bottom, for sure.

And when I say rock bottom, I mean the very bottom rock, underneath a whole big ol' pile of rocks, lyin' at the bottom of a bottomless pit of rocks.

Or somethin' like that.

MOUSES!

But I, never one to give up, forged ahead.

With the conversation, I mean.

"You just have to..." I began, again.  "HEY.  PEEPERS!   ARE YOU EVEN LISTENIN' TO ME?" I politely enquired.

Okay, so maybe not quite politely, for seriously, it was time to switch gears.

"So what you're sayin' there, Peepers, is that it wasn't YOU who sprayed on the chair.  Hmmm...  Interestin'..."

"WELL IT CERTAINLY WASN'T ME!" I cried with indignation, realising the peep might be tryin' to palm the blame off on a TOTALLY BLAMELESS marmalade cat.

"No one's sayin' it was me, are they?" I enquired.  "Because let me tell you..." I huffed.  "LET ME TELL YOU..." I puffed.  "LET ME..."

"Now um...  What chair did you say that was, again, Peepers?"

No, my friends.  I was NOT acceptin' responsibility.  I was NOT suggestin' there was a possibility, as remote as such a possibility could be, that I, Seville the Cat, could be responsible for...  Well, you know...  The pee.

I was simply dottin' my 'i's and crossin' my 't's.

MOUSES!

I sat back on my haunches and looked up at the peep.  "Peepers," I said.  "You and I both know I never make messes outside of the litter box.  And I hardly ever spray.  Oh sure, there WAS that one time when I sprayed on a peep..."

I stopped myself short, for in hindsight, I realised, unfortunately AFTER lettin' it slip, that it might not be wise to remind the peep about how once upon a time, a VERY LONG time ago, I had, in fact, sprayed upon a peep.  And that that peep just happened to be her.

MOUSES!

But to be fair, that one time, way back when, occurred right after I had recovered from a bout of the crystals.

Plus, it was Valentine's Day.

So, you know...

MOUSES!

"But Peepers, that little Valentine's Day incident aside, you and I both know I WOULD NEVER spray on a chair."

I stopped myself short once more.

"What chair was that again?  I don't believe you ever actually said."

Well the look on the Peep's face told me all I needed to know.

"ANDY DID IT!" I cried.  "It was Andy, for sure.  Oh yeah, sprayin' on a chair?  That sounds just like a thing an Andy would do."

And the peep, bein' a peep, BELIEVED ME.

What can I say?

I've still got it.

MOUSES!