Hey ho, hey ho, it's off to nip I go. Do do do do do do do do do do... do? DO? WHA???
PEEEPERRS!!! Where's my nip?
Really? REALLY? Are you sure about that? 'Cause I'm looking right where you're saying to look and I'm not seeing any nip.
Hold on. Wait a minute. Wait a cotton-pickin', moused-up minute.
BUT THAT'S HARDLY ANY NIP AT ALL. MOUSES!
Peepers, those two sickly, puny, teeny-tiny nip plants you need a magnifying glass to see aren't even big enough for a snack. Why, they're not even big enough to garnish a snack. Not even a small snack. Not even a small garnish on an extremely small snack. They're... They're... They're...
WHO STOLE MY NIP?
Of course, my immediate assumption was that the Evil and Dastardly Weasel Syndicate was responsible for my missing nip. Or is that the Dastardly and Evil Weasel Syndicate? Wait right there, I'll go check what it says on their business cards. I'm sure I have one lying about here somewhere... Now where did I put that card?
MOUSES! Was anyone out there aware that the Weasel Syndicate's business cards do not include either the words evil nor dastardly? Neither one. Talk about false advertising.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter as my knee-jerk reaction on blaming the Weasel Syndicate turned out to be false. My nip dilemma was not the work of weasels - which believe me, came as a great surprise - but rather, it was the work of peeps. Peep #1 to be exact. MOUSES!
Now as today is Mother's Day, I did kinda promise Peep #1 I wouldn't make fun of her but...
But let's face it, not all promises can be kept. MOUSES!
So here's the thing, Peep #1 is a totally useless failure when it comes to the growing of the nip which is a huge problem for me on account of my being kind of addicted to the stuff. Yup, catnip and I are joined at the hip, so to speak.
Well technically, we're not really joined at the hip as the nip is currently in short supply. Too short of a supply to be putting it on my hips. I, my friends, am nipless. MOUSES!
And yes, this nipless state of affairs is totally the fault of the peep.
I'm afraid that Peep #1 has had more than her fair share of disastrous nip-growing failures. If it's not one thing, it's another. Too little rain, too much. Too little sun, too much. Too little nip, for sure.
One year, way back when, she managed to get a couple of plants up and growing but then one of us cats came along and uh... um... pruned the plants, so to speak.
Do you know what you get when you let a cat prune the nip plants? You get NO nip plants and one cat who is very nipped. MOUSES!
After the Great Nip Plant Pruning Incident of uh... Hmmm... Now when was that? I can't remember the year on account of my being... Well... Nipped.
No matter, after the Great Nip Plant Pruning Incident a few years back, the peep took to growing the nip in a cage.
Just to clarify, the nip plants were in the cage and not the peep.
Now the idea behind the Caged Nip Chronicles was that we cats wouldn't be able to get into the cage and attempt to prune the nip. A good idea, for sure, IF you have a peep capable of growing the nip in the first place. Turns out, I don't. Yup, you said it all right, MOUSES!
For the nine lives of me, I cannot figure out what the peep is doing wrong. By all accounts, nip is supposed to be easy to grow. Nip is supposed to grow like a weed. But the peep is simply incapable of growing the stuff whether she starts it from seed or buys starter plants, grows it out in the open or inside of a stupid cage or... or... or in a pot or in the ground or anywhere. MOUSES!
You know, I guess it's true what they say. Here today, nipped tomorrow. Or is that nipped today, gone tomorrow? Well I'd like to say either one but I can't on account of my havin' no nip. MOUSES!