it rained

What the mouses?

WHAT the mouses?

What the mousie mousin' mouses is she doin' now.

MOUSES!

"Hey Mason!  COME GET A LOAD OF THIS."

And...  She's down.

Probably slipped on a death fish or somethin'.

Or maybe some seaweed.

Serves her right for bein' out there in the first place, playin' in that ol'...

"Do you think we should go help her up?" asked my sister Mason.

We looked at one another.  "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" we cried, both rollin' on the floor, laughin'.

And...  She's up.

Guess you really can't keep a good peep down.

MOUSES!

So...

So I bet you're all wonderin' what happened, at my house, the other day.

Well it all began...

It all began a couple weeks ago, when the hot and steamy weather moved in without an invitation.  The weatherpeeps kept sayin' it was gonna rain.  The weatherpeeps kept LYIN' is more like it, for rain, it never did.  The forecasted rain, it appeared, was fake news.

MOUSES!

Until Sunday.

MOUSES!

For on Sunday, it rained.

Scratch that.

On Sunday, it poured.

And poured.

AND POURED.

It poured so hard, a little lake formed right there on our driveway.

LITERALLY!

Yup, literally.  I LITERALLY mean LITERALLY.

It was a lake all right.

A lake!

On our driveway.

LITERALLY.

Hmmm...

Can a lake be just a couple inches deep?

I'll have to think on that.

MOUSES!

And then there was the peep.

Oh yeah, she was there.

In all her glory.

Out there, out on that ol' the lake.

Well in it, actually.  Yup, she was literally IN the lake.

MOUSES!

You should have seen her, my friends, wadin' through the two inches of water, movin' her plant pots about.  Movin' her plant pots that were fillin' up with the rain.

Now two inches might not seem like a lot of water to some of you but as a cat, I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty, it is.  I certainly wasn't plannin' on goin' out in it.

As for the peep...

Well...

Well the peep was out there, sloshin' about in that ol' lake!

FYI, her shoes are never gonna be the same.  They are a lost cause, for sure.

I think they drowned or somethin'.

The shoes, I mean.

In the lake.

MOUSES!

And then there were the fish.

Okay, so I don't actually know if there were any fish out there in that ol' lake or not.  I don't know for sure, on account of my not bein' willin' to go out there and check.

My fur-sibs weren't willin' to check, either.

I asked.

I DID!

And they all rolled on the floor, laughin'.

MOUSES!

But I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin' that where you have a lake, you have fish, too.

Small fish, of course.

'Cause only a small fish can fit in a couple of inches of water.

Guppy-sized fish, I suppose.

But guppies ARE fish.

Kinda.  Sorta.  You know.

But as for the peep...

Well the peep, bein' a peep, played out in that lake for a bit.

Then she came inside and dripped water all over the floor.

Then she threw out her shoes.

AND THEN...

Then she complained 'bout gettin' all wet while playin' out in the lake.

Well what the mouses did she THINK was gonna happen?  You play in a lake, you get wet.  If you don't wanna get wet, DON'T PLAY IN THE LAKE.

I'm tellin' ya, some peeps.

Excuse me, my friends, while I again roll on the floor, laughin'.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Phew, I needed that.

MOUSES!

fake news!

"Rushton, keep your whirrin' to yourself, would ya?  I'm tryin' to get my early mid-mornin' nap in BEFORE it's time for my late mid-mornin' nap.  Okay?"

"But Seville, I'm hungry.  I'm starving!  I haven't eaten in days."

I looked my brother up and down, makin' note of his girth.  "Uh...  Yeah.  The peep gave you breakfast, not all that long ago.  I saw her doin' it, and everythin'."

"Breakfast?  Today?  No, that can't be true.  It has been ages and ages since I've had anything to eat.  I'm pretty sure the peeps are slowly starving us to death, Sivvers.  I'm pretty sure I heard it on the news."

"Hmmm...  I don't think you can starve to death in forty-five minutes, Rushy.  MOUSES!"

"Seville, it has been WAY LONGER than forty-five minutes since I last ate."

"Forty-SIX minutes, then?  MOUSES!"

Rushy looked down at the floor.  Liftin' one paw, he started to count his claws.  Realizin' he didn't have enough claws to count all the way up to forty-six, he gave up.  "That's FAKE NEWS, that is.  FAKE NEWS!" he cried, stampin' a paw for emphasis.

"What's fake news?  That you had brekkies only forty-six minutes ago?"

"Yeah, that.  NO!  No...  Um, wait a minute.  I know!  My havin' had brekkies today is what's fake news.  I'm telling you, Sivvers, the peep is STARVIN' US CATS TO DEATH!"

I gave my brother a good eye roll and shook my head.  "Your sayin' the peep is starvin' us, is what's fake news, brother dear.  The peep gave you brekkies less than an hour ago, and I should know, on account of her givin' me my brekkies at the very same time.  We sat there in the kitchen, eatin' our brekkies together!  MOUSES!"

My brother screwed up his face in deep thought.

"Rushy, you keep screwin' your face up like that, and it's gonna stick.  MOUSES!"

He narrowed his eyes and looked me up and down before sayin', "Is that what happened to you?"

"You take that back, Rushy.  My face is as handsome as handsome can be.  EVERYONE says so, so it must be true.  Besides, you're just deflectin'."

"Deflectin'?  Is that like when the air escapes from a balloon?"

"Oh for the love of mouses."  I let out a big sigh.  "Rushy, you're tryin' to make me forget you had your brekkies not that long ago, but you did, so therefore, you can't possibly be starvin'."

"FAKE NEWS!"

"You're goin' on about this fake news stuff again?  Mouses Rushy, you keep talkin' like that and the police are gonna come take us all away from the peeps and make us live in a household with a bunch of dogs or somethin'."

"They are?"

"Or worse," and I solemnly nodded.

Rushy's eyes grew as big as flyin' saucers.

I lowered my voice and asked, "You ever live with a family of weasels, Rushy?"

"But.."

"But nothin'.  Peep #1 fed you when she fed me, LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO, and your tellin' the world she hasn't fed you in days is gonna cause nothin' but trouble.  NOTHIN' BUT TROUBLE, I say!  It's gonna cause nothin' but trouble for all of us cats, for sure.  MOUSES!"

"It is?"

"Oh, most definitely so.  Sometimes I really wonder 'bout you, mon frere."

"You do?"

"I do," I told him.  "Hate to admit it, but yeah, I do."

"And do you worry about me, too?"

"On occasion, I suppose.  I mean, long-haired and freaky you might be, but you're still my brother, although how that ever happened I will never know."

Rushy looked thoughtful for a moment.  "Do you love me, Sivvers?" he asked.

I thought 'bout Rushy's question for a bit.  "Hmmm...  I guess so.  But don't go tellin' anyone that, okay?  Let's keep it between ourselves.  I don't need stuff like that going 'round the neighbourhood."

Rushy nodded his agreement before breaking into a wide smile, and then...  Then he started runnin' around the kitchen yellin', "Seville loves me!  SEVILLE LOVES ME!  SEVILLE LOVES ME LIKE BROTHERS DO!"

"Shh!  I told you to keep that between you and me!"

Rushy ignored me, as he usually does, and tore out of the room, continuing to yell 'bout my lovin' my brother to anyone and everyone who would listen.

"Oh for the love of mouses."  Letting out a big sigh, I ran after my brother, yellin', "That's not true, Peepers!  Don't listen to him!  He's fibbin' like no long-haired marmie freak of a brother of mine has ever fibbed before!  Rushy is spreadin' the FAKE NEWS, for sure.  MOUSES!"

lies, lies.. all of them, LIES!

Of all the moused-up, mousin', no good for nothin', rascally rascals...

Awww....  MOUSES!

LOCK HIM UP!  I say.

LOCK HIM UP!

That darned, moused-up weasel...

I mean, RODENT.

I MEAN, GROUNDHOG.

LOCK HIM UP.

I'm tellin' ya, that ol' Shubenacadie Sam has some serious answerin' to do.

MOUSES!

It was less than two months ago, when there he was, spoutin' his lies, all over the Internet.  "I didn't see my shadow," he said.  "It's gonna be an early spring, for sure."

Lies, lies...  ALL OF THEM, LIES!

The very ePitome of FaKe News, for sure.

MOUSES!

And now, here we are, at the END of March, well past the official start of spring...

And where is our spring, you ask?

Well I can tell you where it isn't.  It most certainly isn't here.

MOUSES!

But do you know what is?  Do you know what is here, my friends?

I'll tell ya what's here.  I'll tell you what's outside.  I'll tell you what's outside, for sure.


SNOW.

Now in what universe does a kitty associate spring, with snow?

MOUSES!

And not only is there snow, it's even kinda cold outside.

MOUSES!

And what does that rascally rabbit...

I mean, VARMINT...

I MEAN, GROUNDHOG, have to say?  What is Shubenacadie Sam sayin' about his false forecasting 'bout an early spring?

Just because I SAID there'd be an early spring, you didn't have to believe me.

Yup, that's an exact quote, for sure.

I have it on tape, and everythin'.

MOUSES!

Oh how quickly his tune has changed from only a mere few weeks ago.

You believed me because you WANTED to believe me, Seville.  You WANTED an early spring.  Never once did I FORCE you to believe it would actually happen.

MOUSES!

And I CERTAINLY never made you repeat what I said.

Sam, what the mouses do you think the share button is for?

It's like ol' Shubie was sittin' down in his Mama Nature's basement, sluggin' back the nip - or whatever varmints take - just Makin' up FanciFul, Fictional Forecasts for Sale.

MOUSES!


Well!  Well I know what I'll do.  I know what I'll do, for sure.  The NEXT time I want a weather forecast, I'll...

I'll...

I'LL...

Oh for the love of mouses, I honestly don't know WHAT I'll do.  I could listen to the weatherpeeps, I suppose, but they're not really known for havin' accurate forecastin' abilities, either.

MOUSES!

read me a story

"Read me a story, Peepers.  Please?  I'm havin' a hard time fallin' asleep, but I just KNOW I could fall asleep, lickety-split, if you were to read me a good story.  Doesn't matter which one.  Maybe a fairy tale or somethin'?  PLEASE?"

Seville curled up on the couch, and Peep #1 brought out The Big Book of Fairy Tales, a book containing many of Seville's favourite stories.  "Once upon a time," Peep #1 began.

Seville closed his eyes, and listened.

Once upon a time, a very useless nip grower, and her handsome marmalade cat, along with his four fur-sibs, lived in a tiny cottage at the edge of a terribly dark and scary forest...

"Mason!  MASON!  You'll NEVER guess what I just read.  It was on the front PAGE of the PAPER, and everythin'.  Apparently, the Weasel Syndicate has set up shop in the woods behind our house.  Right out there.  Behind OUR HOUSE.  Can you believe it?  MOUSES!"

Mason rolled her eyes.  "Oh for goodness sake, Seville.  You can't believe everything you read.  Haven't you ever heard of fake news?"

Seville scowled at his sister.  "It's not fake news, Sis.  It's real news.  Printed right there on the cover of somethin' called a tabloid, which is a paper tablet, I do believe.  MOUSES!"

Mason rolled her eyes again.  "Like I said, it's FAKE NEWS, Seville.  You really are the most gullible cat ever, aren't you?"

"I am not.  I'll prove it to you, too.  Prove that it's real, that is," and Seville stomped a paw.  "Tonight, when the peep is fast asleep, I'm gonna sneak out of the house and find those weasels, if it's the last thing I do."

"And it likely will be the last thing you do, if you go wandering around in the woods late at night.  You know perfectly well, Peep #1 doesn't allow us cats out after dark."

"Yeah, well what the peep doesn't know won't hurt her, will it?"

"The question is, will it hurt YOU."  Mason eyed her brother.  "I'll make you a deal.  We'll go in search of those supposed weasels, together, but if we don't - AND WE WON'T - find them within an hour, we'll come home straight away."

Seville considered the offer for a moment before breaking into a large smile.  "DEAL!" and he high-pawed his sister.  "We'll find those weasels before you know it, Sis, 'cause I KNOW they're out there.  Fake news...  Ha!  What WILL you come up with next?  MOUSES!"

Late that night, as the clock struck midnight, Mason and Seville quietly crept through the house, readying themselves for their journey.  Seville opened the back door and together, the two cats stepped out into the darkness.

They approached the edge of the terribly dark and scary forest, and Mason said nervously, "I don't think this is such a good idea after all, Seville."

Seville looked up at the night sky.  "It's a full moon tonight," he remarked.  "There's lots of moonlight, Mason.  It's practically like the middle of the day!  We're gonna be fine."

Entering the forest, Mason and Seville followed a well-trodden path.  Although they had travelled along this particular path many times, even Seville had to admit it looked a lot different at night.  There were shadows where shadows had never before been, and unfamiliar noises such as the hooting of owls could be heard.  He couldn't help but shudder.

After walking for ten minutes or so, the cats came to a fork in the path.  Seville sat back on his haunches and thought.  "Now which way do you suppose we should go?" he asked aloud.

"I think," Mason began, "we should turn right around, and head back home.  Sivvers, Weasel Syndicate or not, we're going to get ourselves lost out here.  If we're not lost already, that is."

"Got that covered!" and Seville pumped the air with a paw.  "I left us a trail to follow home."

Mason looked puzzled.

"Mason, while you've been unnecessarily fretting over our gettin' lost, I, Seville the Cat, have been doin' somethin' to prevent it.  I've been leavin' a trail for us to follow.  One that will take us right back home, when the time comes.  See this bag of treats?" and he held up a now half-empty bag of his favourite temptations.  "You probably thought I was munchin' on these while we've been walkin', but you'd be wrong about that.  Why, I haven't munched on a single one!  No sirree.  Instead, I've been droppin' a treat or two, every few feet, as we've been walkin' along."

Mason's jaw dropped and she looked truly amazed.  For even though Seville's incredible intelligence and foresight were obvious to practically EVERYONE ON THE PLANET, until now, this fact had escaped her.  "Well I'll be..."

Seville smiled, smugly.  "Check it out, Sis.  Come on, I'll show you," and he led Mason back along the path a few paces, pointing out dropped treats here and there, along the way.  "See?  This trail of treats will lead us straight home when the time comes."

Together they turned a corner, but stopped suddenly when they ran smack dab into one of their two long-haired marmie freak brothers.

"Anderson!" Seville cried.  "What the mouses are you doin' out here?"

"Ummph..." Andy mumbled, his mouth full.  Swallowing hard, he began again.  "What are YOU doing out here?" he asked.  "Peep #1 says we cats aren't allowed outside after dark, and we're especially not supposed to be wandering about in this terribly dark and scary forest."


"Since when did you start doin' what the peep says?" Seville asked.

"About half an hour ago, I think.  I wanted to see what you and Mason were up to.  I wanted to see what kind of trouble you were getting into, so that I could tell on you."

Seville peered at his brother.  "And by the way, what were you eatin', before?" he asked.  "Peep #1 also says, we shouldn't just put any ol' thing we find, into our mouths, and..."

Seville stopped mid-sentence as the truth dawned on him.  "ANDY!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY TRAIL OF TREATS?"

***************************************

Be sure to return Wednesday to find out what happens next.

aloha

Aloha, my friends.  ALOHA!

Seville the Cat here, reportin' from Hawaii.

NOT!!!

Not even close, my friends.  NOT EVEN CLOSE!  Not only am I not in Hawaii, I'm not even anywhere warm, at all.  Not anywhere even close to warm, my friends.  Not even close!

Last night, you see, we had...

FROST.

MOUSES!

Oohhh..  This mornin' offered up a chilly reception, to be sure.  Why, I could practically see my breath in the air.

And when I say practically see my breath, what I REALLY MEAN is that had I gone out first thing in the mornin', I'm pretty sure I would have seen my breath, for sure.  However, I, bein' the ever-so-sensible cat that I am, stayed inside 'til it got a bit warmer.

MOUSES!

The peep's plants, however, were not so lucky.  They had been out all night, and...

Well...

Well frosted they got, for sure.

MOUSES!

The tomatoes?  They're dead.  Not that they were doin' all that well while alive, but at least they were still breathin'.

Kinda.

Sorta.

I think.

The basil and rosemary plants, she brought inside.  Good thing, too, on account of the state of those tomatoes who had been left outdoors.  Did I mention they were dead?

And the lettuce is...

Well...

Well actually, the lettuce is still growin' very nicely.

'Cept for the ones someone sat upon and squished, the other day.

MOUSES!

And if you happen to hear any reports of lettuce plants havin' been sat upon and squished by an incredibly handsome marmalade cat....

IGNORE 'EM, for those reports are the very epitome of fake news, for sure.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Maybe.

Maybe in a I-had-my-paws-crossed-behind-my-back-when-I-told-the-peep-it-wasn't-me kinda way.

And in related news...

You have any idea how difficult it is for a cat to cross his paws BEHIND his back?  We cats are simply not built that way.

MOUSES!

And as for the nip...

Well...

Well let's just say, I'm pretty sure the peep WOULD LIKE to claim that the one little survivin' nip plant we had, was killed by last night's frost, but truth be told, it was lookin' as bad yesterday, BEFORE the cold arrived, as it does today.  Truth is, it was a sorry excuse for a nip plant before, and is equally as sad, today.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What are you babblin' on about now?

I did too.

Yes, Peepers, I did.  I did tell my readers we had a killin' frost last night.

No, Peepers, I did not.  I did not tell my readers that it was the frost that killed the nip plant, for that, ol' Peepers of mine, would have been a lie, and...

What do you mean I should have helped you grow the plant?  Growin' nip is YOUR job.  Imbibing in the nip is mine.  And...

And actually, I did help.  There was that day, remember?  That day when I felt so sorry for the little tyke of a plant, I tried to give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  You know, to bring it back to life.

Okay, so it might have been more like an into-my-mouth-the-nip-went kinda resuscitation, but still...

But still, I only ate two leaves.

I left the other three.

And in related news...

It has been ruled MERELY COINCIDENTAL that the squished lettuce plants that were supposedly sat upon by an incredibly handsome marmalade cat, happened to be growin' right next to the pot containing the nip plant requiring mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  You know, the nip plant with only five - I mean, THREE - leaves.

MOUSES!

they've GOT to be kiddin'

They've got to be kiddin'.

There's NO WAY this can be true.

This has gotta be FAKE news, for sure. MOUSES!

Uh-huh.  Yeah.  Uh...  Ummm...  Eh?

Well I'll be...

MOUSES!

Accordin' to all my many sources, this comin' Saturday is...

Wait for it...

World Naked Gardenin' Day.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, as if peeps don't get into enough trouble already, now they have a World Naked Gardenin' Day.  A day for gardenin', naked?  A day for gettin' naked, and gardenin'?  A DAY FOR...

MOUSES!

What WILL they think of next.

Or maybe...  Maybe the problem is, they're not actually thinkin' at all.

Typical peep behaviour, for sure.  MOUSES!

You know, once, way back when, I accidentally walked into the bathroom when a peep was steppin' into the shower and let me tell you, my friends...

...THERE ARE SOME THINGS A KITTY CAN NEVER UNSEE.

It's 'cause of stuff like this that bathroom doors have locks.  And believe-you-me, locks on bathrooms doors are meant to be used, for sure.

It's bad enough that a kitty has to be careful when walkin' into a bathroom, but now a kitty has to watch out for naked peeps out in the garden, too?

When will the craziness end?  MOUSES!

And I have a question.  Will all those naked peeps runnin' around neighbourhood gardens in all their nakedness, remember to wear their sunscreen. 'Cause seriously, my friends, if not, they could be gettin' sunburns in places where normally, the sun just isn't supposed to shine.

And how 'bout straw hats?  Are they allowed to wear those?  You know, to protect themselves from gettin' wrinkles on their faces and stuff, although truth be told, there isn't a straw hat big enough to protect 'em from gettin' wrinkles...  You know...  Elsewhere. MOUSES!

Hehehehehee...

I just thought of somethin'.  If the first Saturday of May is World Naked Gardening Day, is the first Sunday in May, World Poison Ivy Treatment Day?  'Cause I'm thinkin' there will be more than a few peeps in need of a full body treatment, for sure.

And what about poison oak?

AND THEN THERE ARE NETTLES.

You know, once, way back when, before I was even born, Peep #1 ran through a patch of raspberry canes with her shorts on.

Yeah, stupid, I know.  But what do you expect from a peep?

But my point is, at least she was wearin' SOMETHIN'.  Imagine runnin' through a patch of raspberry canes with nothin' on at all?

MOUSES!

And what if a bird flyin' overhead decides to... You know...  Do what birds so often do?  The peeps won't have any protection at all.

And what if it rains?  Are umbrellas allowed?  Of course, gardenin' while holdin' an umbrella is not the easiest of things to do in the first place.  I would imagine that naked gardenin' while holdin' an umbrella is even harder to do.

I just thought of somethin'.

WILL THERE BE NAKED GARDENING TOURS?

And I thought squirrels were crazy.  Clearly, the peeps have out-squirrelled the squirrelliness of the squirrelliest of squirrels, for sure.

MOUSES!

Makes a kitty wonder why all the peeps in the world haven't all been locked up by now.  You know, for their own good.  To protect 'em from themselves and stuff.  Stuff like sunburns and poison ivy and poison oak.

BUT OH NO...  Peeps have got to be a allowed to be peeps, and lettin' them loose on the world is all part of their bein'...  You know...  PEEPS.

It's like peeps think they are cats or somethin'.  Just 'cause a cat can walk around in the garden wearin' nothin' but his natural furs, doesn't mean peeps can do so, too.  I mean, a cat can look at a queen.  Peeps stare too hard at the Queen and they might be gettin' a visit from the Royal Guard. MOUSES!

But back to this naked gardenin' business at paw.

Listen up all you peeps out there. DON'T YOU COME CRYIN' TO ME ON SUNDAY WHEN YOU'RE COVERED IN POISON OAK AND HAVE A SUNBURN IN PLACES WHERE THE SUN SIMPLY ISN'T SUPPOSED TO SHINE.  MOUSES!

               ***********************

And in other news...

Reports are comin' in from all four corners of the world.  Cats have been buying RECORD NUMBERS of flashy boxes, smart phones and other recording devices, preparing to take pictures of sunburned, poison ivy stricken peeps.

MOUSES!