and in other news...

I threw up.  Yeah, I did. MOUSES!

I don't do a lot of horkin' blog posts.  In fact, this might be my very first one.  Thing is, I don't do a lot of horkin' so if I were relyin' upon horkin' incidents to induce the writing of blog posts, I wouldn't be writin' many posts on my blog.

Now if my Aunties Primrose or Blossom were the authors of Nerissa's Life, it would be an entirely different story. Those two have been horkin' on a regular basis for seventeen years.  MOUSES!

But my aunties are not the authors of this here blog.  I, Nerissa the Cat, am the sole author of Nerissa's Life.  I write all my own stuff.

Dare I say it?   Yeah, why not?  MOUSES!

I suppose the big news wasn't really that I threw up, though.  The big news was where and when I did it.  Let me explain...

The other night, I insisted upon sleepin' in my office.  I don't do that a lot but the other night, I was determined.   I begged and I begged and I begged and finally, Peep #1 relented.  I was in.  But why should I have to beg to sleep in my office?  It is my office.  Surely I have a right to sleep in it. Again I must say, MOUSES!

Actually, sleepin' in my office is not recommended on account of there bein' no litter box in there.   What's more, once the door is closed, access to the kitchen is lost which means, no snacks.  I do enjoy a midnight snack but figured I could forgo late-night snackin' on this one occasion.

Anywho...  sometime durin' the night, my tummy felt a little queasy and decided to act up like an actin' troupe doin' improvisational juggling gymnastics and you guessed it...  I threw up.

By mornin', I was feelin' fine.  I managed to enjoy my regular breakfast and perform my ritual mornin' garden inspection all before headin' back into my office to check my mail, visit with pals on Twitter and Facebook and finally, do a little work on my blog.

That was when Peep #1 called out to me sayin', "Nissy, I need to check my e-mail before you start blogging."   She sat down at my desk, swung her legs around the chair and emitted a loud cry. "Ewww!" could be heard throughout the land.  Did you hear it? Yeah, I'm bettin' you did.  MOUSES!

I looked at the peep.  The peep looked at me.  "Yeah, I threw up last night, Peepers.  Did I forget to mention that?" I asked, scratchin' behind my ear.  "Why did you go and put your rear paw in it?  You should learn to be more careful," I explained.

I shall not repeat the dialogue which ensued for fear of my blog bein' beeped out of existence by the foul language police.  MOUSES!

And in other news...  I'm past 3700 likes on my Facebook page now.  Ever so excited 'bout that. I'm really hopin' to make it to 5000 by Christmas.  I wonder if I could ask for likes when I write to Santa.  Hmmm...  I wonder if he can arrange that.  Probably.  Santa can arrange most things when he puts his mind to it.

And I have over 4000 pals on Twitter.  That's pretty excitin'.  Perhaps I should ask Santa to help me with that, as well.  Help me reach 5000.  I'll have to think about that.

Of course, I'm still hopin' for a Senate appointment.  Feel free to mention that fact to Prime Minister Stephen Harper if you're ever talkin' or tweetin' with him.  I'm sure he'd appreciate the reminder. #Niss4Senate for sure!

Oh, and nosey-neighbour-cat's sister is headin' off to law school, today.  That's a good thing, I think. If I ever get that Senate appointment, I might find myself in need of a lawyer.  It seems that a lot of 'em, do.

And speakin' of politics, I hear that some peeps at Toronto City Hall are gettin' into the discussion 'bout changin' the wordin' of our National Anthem.  Some peeps don't like the fact that it uses the word, "sons," thereby excludin' all the daughters.  What about the cats?

I asked Peep #1 what she thought about this.  As one of those daughters, I figured she'd have an opinion about it but I was wrong.  Peep #1 said, "Frankly, my dear Nissy, I don't give a mouse." Scratch that.  Actually, she just said she couldn't care less as she had bigger fish to fry.

I said in reply, "Fish?  Really?  You're fryin' fish?  Pass a plate on over to me, would ya?"  I never did get any of that fish.  MOUSES!

And the peep planted more plumeria seed.  Guess she did that instead of fryin' the fish.

But will the woman never learn?  Rockies are wreakin' havoc on the plumies she has and she goes and plants more seed.  Honestly, I've gotta wonder 'bout my peep.

On the other paw, I'm hard at work developin' a new feature for my blog. That's right, I have somethin' new in the works.  Unfortunately, there's somethin' else in those works, pluggin' them up.

You see, I'm havin' a tough time figurin' out how to make the technical stuff for this feature work.  I sure could do with some better IT support, you know? Peep #1 is pretty much useless and, I'm afraid, she's all I've got.  MOUSES!

Well that's all the news for today.  I think I've pretty much covered everything.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go see if the peep ever caught any of those bigger fish and if so, I'm gonna get her to fry some of 'em up.  I think she can probably handle that.

stole Christmas in July!

Well folks, it's lookin' like the Grinch went and stole Christmas.  Christmas in July, that is.  MOUSES!

A couple of weeks ago, I was out and about, padding around on the deck, checkin' that everything was in order and whatnot when I happened to notice that there was a flower bud on the peep's amaryllis.  Of course, my first thought was that Seville had been messin' about with whisks and had somehow screwed up somethin' in the space-time continuum...  AGAIN. MOUSES!

I mean...  Everyone knows that amaryllis bloom at Christmas.  Don't they?

I immediately went inside to tell the peep about her plant bein' all messed up but she told me that I shouldn't blame my brother on account of his not havin' done anything to the space-time continuum...  THIS TIME.  She said that the amaryllis peeps buy at Christmas are forced to bloom for the holidays and that under normal circumstances, that's not their usual bloomin' time. Interestin'...

Ol' Peepers went on to explain that she had grown these particular amaryllis from seed and this was gonna be what's called, their first bloom.  She was super excited.

To tell you the truth, I was really excited, too.  I was pretty sure that the flowers would still be bloomin' in July and that with the peep bein' so happy 'bout them blooming and all, we'd be able to celebrate in style.  Perhaps we could celebrate Christmas in July.  That would be fun and I've never done that before.  It would be especially fun if there were nip mice to be had.  I mean, what's Christmas without a new nip mouse?  You know?

So I started plannin' the celebrations.  I figured we'd keep things small and fairly low-key.  Just the fur-family, the peeps, the amaryllis and the nip mice.  Even though it was gonna be a small event, it would still be special on account of the nip mice.  I mean...  amaryllis.  MOUSES!

Then disaster struck.  All my celebratory plans came to a screeching halt on Friday mornin' when Peep #1 discovered that someone had gone and gone all berserk and bent the amaryllis' flower stalk all out of shape and chewed up its flowers, generally makin' a right ol' mess of the whole thing.  Made a mess of my plans for more nip mice, too.  Again I say...  MOUSES!

I know what you're thinkin'.  You thinkin' that one of us cats chewed up the amaryllis but truth be told, none of like amaryllis.  No, the damage done to the amaryllis - not to mention my plans for new nip mice in July -  was done by that marauding gang of rocky raccoons.  It's the season for babies, you see, and baby rockies get into EVERYTHING!  They must have thought the peep's pot of amaryllis was a jungle gym or somethin'.

As you can imagine, I was pretty distraught.  I was all set on celebratin' Christmas in July when all my hopes and dreams had been dashed.  But then I realised that even though there were no amaryllis blooms left for this year, there would always be next year and maybe I could convince the peep that a celebration was still in order.  Maybe there was hope for a nip mouse or two after all!

Then this mornin' arrived.  I think it's pretty safe to say that after this mornin', there will be no Christmas in July for me, this year.  No new nip mice.  No nothin'.

THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS IN JULY.

I went outside onto the deck this mornin' and saw the unthinkable.  The un...  the unseeable.   The un...  the un... the undoable!

That maraudin' gang of rockies had been back and this time, they were after the peep's plumies.  That's right.  They manhandled and rockypawed Peep #1's Plumeria seedlings.  A couple were out of their pots, lyin' there on the deck, roots exposed to the heavens.  She was able to save those ones.  The largest of her seedlings was kind of askew and she says she's gonna re-pot it tonight and that it should be okay.  But the best-lookin' Tahitian Sunset seedling was...  was...  it was...

IT WAS SNAPPED IN TWO LIKE A TOOTHPICK.  MOUSES!

I don't think that that baby Plumeria is ever gonna recover.  I think it's lost, for sure.  Peep #1 was super sad about that 'cause she had fallen in love with the name, Tahitian Sunset, and loved the idea of havin' a plumie bred from a plant with such a pretty name.  She's really upset, folks.  REALLY upset, for sure.

But I have a plan!  In order to cheer Ol' Peepers up, I'm gettin' ready to search the planet for some more Plumeria seeds for her.  I'll do some searchin' on the Internet, lookin' for ones with pretty names and whatnot or maybe with white flowers and strong scents 'cause I know she loves those.

And if the if my Internet search fails, I'll just have to teleport to wherever peeps might have a tree or two growin' in their gardens.  Either way, I'll find the peep some more seeds, soon.

Oohhh...  I just thought of somethin'.  If I can find the seed soon enough, I might still be able to pull off Christmas in July.  YES!  Might just get myself some new nip mice, after all.  NICE.

tropical island paradise

Trying to roll the flower pot had proved futile.  Being wider at one end than the other, it continually insisted upon travelling in circles.  Half dragging, half pushing the pot, Nissy eventually made it into the kitchen.  "MOUSES!  Hey Sivvers, help me with this, would ya?"

Seville sauntered over to Nissy, giving the flower pot a good sniff.  "What's up with the pot, Nissy?  You planning on planting some nip?"

"Something like that," Nerissa answered.  "We're goin' on an adventure."

"Excellent!" declared Seville.  "Where to?"

"My brother, my man...  we're headed to a tropical island paradise.  SIVVERS...  PREPARE THE TELEPORTATION DEVICE!" Nissy cried.

Nerissa continued, "There's more talk about the Turks and Caicos Islands joinin' Canada, Seville. Those islands are supposed to be a real tropical paradise.  Sunpuddles and sand as far as the eye can see.  You and I are gonna do a little investigating.  Check those islands out.  Get a paw or two in on the ground floor and plant the seeds that if peeps there wanna join Canada, they should join Nova Scotia, too.  Now, help me get this pot into the flying frying pan."

"That why we're packin' the flower pot?" asked Seville.  "Is it because we're going to be planting the seeds?"

Nerissa rolled his eyes and shook his head with exasperation.  "Nah, the pot is for a plumie.  We're gonna bring back a plumeria tree from the Turks and Caicos Islands for Peep #1 as a prezzie. Heard they grow well there."

Working together, the two brothers managed to get the flower pot into the teleportation device. Grabbing a few snacks for the trip, Nissy climbed in, followed by Seville.  Moments later, the cats were teleporting due south, towards the tropical paradise of the Turks and Caicos Islands.

On the way, Nerissa explained to Seville how the Premiers of Saskatchewan and Prince Edward Island were both hinting they would like the Turks and Caicos to join one of their provinces.  "They were tweetin' stuff 'bout it all over the place," Nissy said, "but anyone lookin' at a map of Canada would see immediately that a union with Nova Scotia makes the most sense, geographically."

"And think about all those snowbirds that travel from Nova Scotia to Florida and Mexico and whatnot. Bet they'd much rather travel to the Turks and Caicos Islands if those islands were part of their own province.  Apparently tourism is a big part of their economy, just like it is with ours.  We have a whole lot in common, you know."

"But I heard that Ottawa put the kibosh on that whole annexation idea," interjected Seville.  "I was nappin' with the news on and that's what I heard."

"We don't need Ottawa, Seville," answered Nerissa.  "I did some background investigatin' and found that way back in 2004, when I was only one-year-old and before you were even born, the Nova Scotia Legislature voted unanimously to invite the Turks and Caicos Islands to join our province. UNANIMOUSLY.  You have any idea how hard it is to get those politicians to vote on anything unanimously?  Almost impossible, I tell you.  They must really want this and I'm thinkin', so do I."

Landing softly on a sun drenched beach, the boys stepped out of the teleportation device.  The warm sand tickled the pads of their paws.  They both stretched out and did what any self-respecting cats would do when confronted with sand...  roll in it. "Ohhh...  a sand bath," moaned Seville, luxuriating in the soft bed that was the beach.

Half an hour later or so, Nerissa stood up in the sand and gave himself a good shake.  "Come on Sivvers," he instructed.  "We need to explore the islands and find ourselves a plumeria tree.  Help me with this flower pot, would you?"

Pushing and dragging the flower pot up a hill and away from the beach, Seville muttered something about how they should have teleported directly to wherever the plumies grew.  The flower pot was proving most uncooperative.

The cats could see beautiful island resorts off in the distance but Nissy wisely suggested they head in the other direction.  "Remember, we're lookin' for a plumeria to take home with us, Seville.  We wanna find one that doesn't belong to anybody.  Peeps workin' in those resorts might object if we take one of theirs."

Eventually they came to a grassy clearing and in that clearing, they found a plumeria tree.  It was the most beautiful tree the cats had ever seen.  Far more beautiful than any of Peep #1's plumies. Not only was it considerably larger than any of her potted plumeria but also, it was blooming. Nerissa inhaled deeply, enjoying the exotic fragrance of the flowers.  "Isn't it glorious?" he asked his brother.

"Sure is," agreed Seville.  "How are we going to dig it up?  We forgot to pack spades."

"Don't need 'em," Nissy explained.  "We're cats.  Cats don't need spades to dig.  Just use your paws."

Nissy climbed up into the plumeria tree to see where he and his brother should starting digging. "Hmmm...  Oh-oh.  We might have a little problem here."

"What kind of problem?" Seville asked.  "You think we'll need those spades after all?"

"Nope.  Not a spade issue but rather, a size issue.  Hmmm....  I'm lookin' at the size of the flower pot we brought with us and I'm lookin' at the size of this tree and I'm thinkin'...  Hmmm..."  He climbed down from the plumeria tree and sat back on his haunches, studying the situation carefully, trying to figure out a way to get the tree into the flower pot.

After careful deliberation Nerissa cried in frustration, "MOUSES!  No way, no how, is this tree gonna fit in that pot, Sivvers."

"Yeah, I kind of figured that," Seville agreed.  "I came to the same conclusion about an hour ago."

"What?  Then what have you been thinkin' about for the past hour?"

"Dinner, mostly," answered Seville.  "It has been a long time since we ate those snacks earlier. Why don't we go find ourselves a restaurant and order up some nosh?  I saw a gorgeous resort over that way," and he pointed a paw in the direction of the beach.  "Bet they have some really nice restaurants over there."

"Yeah...   why not...   whatever.  Looks like the plumie tree is a bit of a bust.  Pick some flowers for Ol' Peepers and put 'em in the flower pot, Sivvers.  That's the best we'll be able to do.  Then we'll head on down to the beach and find ourselves some drinks and some snacks.  They're supposed to have great fishin' in these here islands.  We'll get us some fish and some drinks, enjoy a late dinner and some fun in the sun and then head on back to Nova Scotia.  Maybe I'll try my paw at surfin'. They probably have surfboards to rent.  Come on Sivvers..." and the two cats made their back to the beach area in search of dinner and surfboard rentals.  "Hop to it, Sivvers!  Make sure none of those plumeria flowers fall out of that flower pot.  I'll lead the way."


"Ummm...  Nissy?" Seville's voice was muffled by his efforts to drag the flower pot.  "Wanna help with this..."

"What's that, Seville?  Hmmm...  hold on.  I'm currently calculatin' the best route back to the beach.  Hurry up with that flower pot, huh?  Time's a-wastin' and dinner is a-waitin'!  Try not to dilly-dally quite so much."

"MOUSES!" Nissy muttered under his breath.  "You'd think I was askin' him to do the impossible.  Drag a little flower pot down to the beach.  Really, is that too much to ask?  Mouses, indeed."

the perfect gift

Anybody see that nip mouse I set aside? ANYBODY?

That was what I asked my fur-fam yesterday.  I looked and looked and looked for that nip mouse I had planned to give Peep #1 for Mother's Day.  I looked all over the house.  I looked in every room.  I looked under beds and on top of dressers and eventually, I found it.

Anybody know who slobbered all over that nip mouse I set aside? ANYBODY?

MOUSES!  The peep isn't gonna want a nip mouse that has been all slobbered over.  Sometimes I wonder 'bout my fur-fam.

Hmmm....  Anybody know where I can order some nip plants?  Cheap?  ANYBODY?

The peep likes growin' stuff and what better stuff to grow than catnip?  I mean, is there anything better?  Not likely.  She already has a pot of nip seeds started but they're still teeny-tiny plus, she's growing 'em for us cats.  Ol' Peepers would probably love some fully grown plants that she could use for herself to make nip tea or maybe a tasty little nipped-up salad or somethin' like that but if I was gonna give her nip plants, I was gonna need to get 'em right away.  I was gonna need 'em like... yesterday.

Then I remembered how Seville had mentioned that the peep wasn't into nip like us cats.  Sivvers thought the peep might rather have somethin' unnipped or whatever.

Anybody know if we have any wand toys on paw that we haven't yet destroyed?  ANYBODY?

Clearly, finding a prezzie for the peep for Mother's Day wasn't gonna be as easy as I had originally thought.

Then I thought about her plumeria.  The peep has developed a bit of an unhealthy obsession over her plumeria plants.  You should see how she dotes upon them.  Maybe she'd like a couple more? Would I be enabling her unhealthy obsession if I were to give her some plumie seeds?

I turned on the computer and hacked into the peep's private affairs.  Uh-huh... Uh-huh...  Looked like the peep already had some plumeria seeds on order but there were some she liked that she didn't order.  Hmmm...  I could always order her up a couple more packages of seed.

Nah, she probably doesn't need any more plumies.  To be honest, she already has enough of 'em.  Those plumies have a way of stealin' the very best sunpuddles in the sunroom from right under my paws.  MOUSES!

That's when I realised that none of the peep's plumies are actually blooming.  They're just sittin' there, occupying sunpuddles.  Maybe the peep would like a blooming plumeria plant.  Maybe I could teleport on over to....

No, I decided.  A reconnaissance mission for bloomin' plumies would be an adventure that would have to wait for another day.  Might need Seville's help on that one and he was too busy washin' his tail and whatnot to prepare the teleportation device.

Yarn!  That's always a great prezzie for a peep.  The peep likes playin' with yarn.  In fact, she likes playin' with yarn so much that she never shares her yarn toys with us cats.  It's true.  She complains when we catch the yarn with our paws or when we chase the ends of the knittin' needles as they go clickity-clack, clickity-clack.  Rather mean, if you ask me.

Oh and you should hear how she freaks out when she's knittin' and all of a sudden discovers that one of us has had the yarn in our mouth, makin' it all wet and slobbery but when you think about it, it's really her own fault.  If she gave us our own yarn toys for playin', we wouldn't have to play with hers.

Scratch the yarn idea.  Peep doesn't need yarn toys if she's not gonna play nice and share 'em.

What to do...  What to do...

That's when it came to me.  Suddenly, I knew just what to do regardin' Ol' Peeper's Mother's Day prezzie.  I had come up with the perfect prezzie for the peep, for sure.

For Mother's Day, I decided to give the peep...  ME.  For one day only, I will be the perfect cat.  I will come when she calls me and let her pick me up and cuddle me and give me lots of love.  I will allow her to smother me with kisses and not squirm out of her arms or anythin' like that.  I will let her give me chin tickles and behind-the-ear scritches and even tummy rubs, never complainin' when I have had enough. And in the evenin', when it's time for Sunday night Masterpiece Theatre watchin', I will cuddle up next to her and allow more tummy rubs and chin tickles and whatnot.

Yup, perfect Mother's Day gift if you ask me.  I've even managed to get the other cats on board.  We will all be perfect kitties for the peep on Mother's Day which should be pretty easy 'cause as cats, perfection is what we do best.  You really, REALLY have to agree.