nothin' on TV

Gosh darn it, there's absolutely NOTHIN' to watch on TV.

MOUSES!

The Many Lives of Martha Stewart.

Hmmm...

Many lives?  Many?  Many as in more than one?  What do they think she is?  A cat?  A cat with nine lives?

MOUSES!

All Creatures Great and Small.

Hmmm...

Well I'm pretty great, and compared to most peeps, I guess I am kinda small.  That must be a show about me.

But I already know all about me.

MOUSES!

Law and Order Toronto: Criminal Intent.

Hmmm...

Toronto may be in Canada, but it's still really far away.  But I'm pretty sure that if I were to put my paw down, I could deal with any criminals there.  Give 'em a smacky-paw when needed or fling somethin' outta the litter box.

You know, that sorta thing.

So again, it's probably just another show about me.

And again, I already know all about me.

MOUSES!

News.

Hmmm...

Nah, there's never anythin' new on the news.  Same ol' stuff, day after day, year after year.  Life after life...  Just more peeps behavin' badly.  As badly as they can possibly be. 

That's one show that has NOTHIN' to do with me.

MOUSES!

But then there's Bird TV.

Oh sure, Bird TV has lots of repeats.  Crow Show: The Early Years;  Chickadee Chicks: Bathin' Suit Edition;  Morning Doves After Dark;  Blue Jays Gone Bad...

You know, that sorta thing.

And I guess some might say, if you've seen one, you've pretty much seem 'em all.

But you know somethin', my friends?  You know somethin'?  THOSE ARE THE KINDA SHOWS WORTH SEEIN' AGAIN!

And again.

And...  AGAIN.

And sometimes...

And sometimes, Bird TV airs other series from their affiliate networks.  Shows like The Karda...   I mean, The Squirrels.  Now THAT'S a nutty show worth watchin'.

MOUSES!

You know, I may have started this post thinkin' there was nothin' for a cat like me to watch on TV, but I have totally changed my mind about that, for sure.  TOTALLY!

I was just watchin' the wrong screen.  Instead of the television screen, I should have been lookin' out the window at all the glorious wonders of Bird TV.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

they always run

Yup, they always run.  Always.  MOUSES!

You ever notice how on television and movies, in crime dramas and stuff, when the police go to approach a suspect, the suspect always runs?  They do.  It's true! I've seen it with my very own eyes. MOUSES!

Doesn't matter if the show is filmed in America or Britain or right here in Canada, they always run.  Doesn't matter if the show takes place in the present or in the future or if it's an historical piece, they run. Doesn't matter if the suspect is indoors or outside, he's gonna run.  Doesn't matter if the suspect looks like he hasn't run anywhere in a very long time, like thirty or forty years kind of long time, he's still gonna run.  Might be huffing and puffing a lot, but run he will, nonetheless.  Doesn't even matter if he's a she and wearing high-heeled shoes, you can rest assured, there will be running involved.

Sometimes the suspect runs down a back alley, only to be caught at the other end by the officer's partner.  Sometimes the suspect runs across a parking lot or something and straight into a fence, only to be caught as he attempts to climb said fence, which you just knew was gonna slow him down, for sure.  Quite often, it appears, the suspect runs through a hotel restaurant's kitchen, only to be caught when exiting the back door which, for some strange reason, the suspect always knows exists even if he has never been in that particular kitchen before.

Judging by what I've seen on television, this running of the suspects through restaurant kitchens is a very common occurrence, indeed, although oddly enough, it has never happened on any cooking shows on the Food Network and stuff.  At least not to my knowledge it hasn't.  MOUSES!

Quite often the suspect takes the time to shove something in the path of the police officers chasing him like a conveniently placed table or whatever that just happens to be sitting there in the middle of nowhere.  Of course, these obstacles do slow the police down but setting up the obstacle course in the first place slows the suspects down, too.

Once, I saw one of these suspects run into a room with no exit other than the door through which he ran to enter the room.  Yeah, that didn't work out too well for that suspect at all.  MOUSES!

Doesn't matter if it's a comedy or something serious or a little of both, running will still be involved.

There was this one show, when the suspect tried to run away while on an airplane, flying in the air. Now I ask you, my friends, exactly to where did she think she was gonna run?

I've seen 'em try this technique while on submarines underwater, too.  MOUSES!

Or they run into a bathroom and lock themselves in. More often than not, there are only two ways out of a bathroom, my friends.  The door through which you entered and by the flush of a toilet.  One is decidedly preferable to the other, however you will be caught while exiting.

Of course, some bathrooms do have a window but unless you're on the ground floor, that window is an exit one should definitely not take.

Or they run to the end of a pier and, seeing no other route of escape, they jump off the pier and into the water. Then they're caught when the police have to jump in after 'em to rescue them because they forgot about their not knowing how to swim.  Yup, happens more often that you would think.  MOUSES!

And then there are the suspects who try to outrun the police in the police cars.  Yeah, like they can run faster than a car can be driven.  Need I say it again?  Of course I do.  MOUSES!

Now this epidemic of running has become so bad and so widespread that when peeps see it happening they sigh, "Yup, they always run."

Even the characters in these shows are joking about it now.  The police spot the suspect off in the distance.  The suspect realizes he has been spotted and momentarily freezes.  Then one of the officers says something like, "Oh, he's not gonna run, is he?" or "Don't you run now," and that would be the cue for the running to begin.  MOUSES!

But all this brings me to my intended subject at paw.  Mice.  MOUSES!

Yeah, like suspects being chased by the police, mice will run from a cat, lickety-split.  They will also run from a peep, to be sure.

We don't get many mice in our house as we cats have kinda moused the whole place out but every now and then, one is caught and brought in and when that happens, we bring 'em in alive.  Then we let 'em loose and then the running begins.

Those mice take one look at Peep #1 and start running for the hills but as we have no hills inside our house - we live in a valley, you see - they end up running under furniture and into bathrooms and stuff.  Yup, just like those suspects on TV.

Of course, a mouse has the advantage of being smaller than a peep for which peeps can be grateful, for sure, for if they were the size of mice, interactive play between cats and their peeps might take a turn for the worse for those peeps, if you know what I mean.  MOUSES!

But that thought aside, a mouse is small, smaller than a peep, and therefore can run right under a peep's feet or at least between their legs and exit on the other side.  Thus, the exit through which they entered thing not working does not apply to mice. MOUSES!

You know, now that I think about it...

Now that I think about it, whenever one of us cats brings a mouse or squirrel or chippy into the house, we lose interest in said creature rather quickly.  It's far more fun to watch the antics of a peep trying to catch the mouse or squirrel or chippy than to do the chasing, ourselves.

So really, it's a whole lot like watching all those crime shows on TV.  MOUSES!

Nova Scotia, 1867

So I was thinking the other day and, as usual, once I started thinking, my mind started wondering...

Oops!  I mean, wandering, of course.

But technically, once my mind starts to wander, I do start to wonder.  My mind just kind of works that way.  So...

So anyway, I was thinking the other day and, as usual, once I started thinking, my mind started wandering and wondering and I said to myself - and anyone else who happened to be listening, "I wonder why there isn't a Hawaii Five-O show for cats?  I mean, it could be exactly like Hawaii Five-O except, you know, featuring cats.  Cats catching criminals committing crimes and some of those criminals might even be cats themselves.  Cat burglars and stuff.  You know?

Obviously, it would be set in Nova Scotia as I, Seville the Cat, am the perfect cat to write such a show, for sure.  And I happen to know a lot about Nova Scotia 'cause Nova Scotia is where I live and stuff.   MOUSES!

Let me think about this some more.  Hmmm....

                                         *******************************************      

Mason and Seville are in a sporty blue car, stopped at a street light.  Seville is driving.

Mason:  Uh Seville, the light has turned green.

Silence.

Mason:  Seville, the light.  It turned green.  That means you can go.

Seville:  Oh, sorry about that.  I was just thinking about....

Seville drives straight through the intersection instead of making the mandatory left-paw turn and drives into the oncoming traffic of a one-way street.  Dodging the oncoming cars, he speeds up so as to dodge them even faster, veering this way and that until he finally pulls into the parking lot of a strip mall and skids to a stop.

Mason:  What on earth do you think you're doing?  You could have gotten us both killed back there!

Seville:  Yeah, well I need to pick up some nip at the nip store and that's the quickest way to get here, Mayso.

Mason:  Seville, I thought I told you not to call me that.  I don't like you calling me Mayso.

Seville:  Really?  'Cause I think the name kind of suits you, Mayso.  Why don't you like me calling you that?

Mason:  'Cause it sounds like mayonnaise or something, that's why.  I don't want you calling me Mayso or ketchup or mustard or anything else that sounds like any kind of condiment any more, okay?

Seville:  Okay Mayso.  FINE.  You want any nip?  This place has the best nip east of Halifax.

Seville exits car.  Mason checks the map she finds in the dashboard compartment before calling out the window.

Mason:  But we're currently west of Halifax, Seville!  How can this place have the best nip east of Halifax if we're to the west?

Seville reaches back into the car, grabs a compass conveniently sitting in the car's cup holder along with a marker.  He uses the marker to write a W over the E and an E over the W on the compass and passes it to Mason.

Seville:  Look at the compass, Mayso.  Now we're to the east of Halifax.  MOUSES!  You want any nip?

Mason:  Yeah, grab me a nip mouse and a biff bag, will ya?  And a nip tea, while you're at it.  I'm kind of thirsty.  Whoever made those sardine omelets at breakfast used way too much salt.

Seville returns with takeout niptinis and a bag filled with nip mice and biff bags.  He passes a niptini to Mason.

Mason:  I asked for nip tea, not a niptini, Seville.

Seville:  Nip tea, niptini...  Same thing.  Okay, time to head back to 1867 and see if there are any new cases.  Hang on tightly.  We'll be going with the flow of traffic this time so I'll probably be driving a little faster.

Seville and Mason speed along the one-way street, heading to 1867.

Mason:  I always meant to ask you, Seville.  Why do they call the provincial police department 1867?  Is there some reason for that?

Seville:  Yeah, Mayso.  They call it 1867 because the Province of Nova Scotia was one of the four founding provinces of Confederation in 1867.  Why did you think they called it that?  Because there are one thousand, eight hundred and sixty-seven cats in the department or something?

Mason:  Actually I was thinking that maybe it was because it would take about one thousand, eight hundred and sixty-seven of these niptinis for me to believe that the Province of Nova Scotia has a provincial police force because it doesn't, you know.

Seville:  Well tell me this then, Mayso.  If Nova Scotia doesn't have a provincial police force, why am I currently breaking every provincial speed limit driving to the provincial police headquarters, otherwise known as 1867?  Huh?  Can you answer that?  Huh?  Huh, Mayso?

Mason:  I asked you not to call me that, Seville.  Remember?  Remember how I asked you not to call me Mayso earlier?  Remember?

Seville:  Oh yeah.  Sorry about that Mayso.

Seville skids to a stop in another parking lot.

Mason:  You know, maybe you should lay off the nip while driving, Seville.  Your driving already has a lot to be desired without the nip.  With it...

Seville:  Yeah, yeah, Mayso.  Why don't we stop for a burger before heading back to 1867?  They make the best burgers here west of Halifax.

Mason:  So now we're back to being west of Halifax?  At that nip store back there, we were east of Halifax.

Seville grabs the compass from before, spits on it and rubs out the E and W he had written using the marker.

Seville:  Now we're to the west.  Look for yourself.  Says so right on the compass.

The two cats hop out of the car and head into the burger joint.


Seville:  I recommend the triple burger with nip and sardines.  You won't find a better burger anywhere.

Mason:  Do they have one with cheese?  Maybe a little nip and some cheese?

Seville:  Oh yeah, you can have it with cheese.  Just ask for the 'Triple Nip and Sardini with cheese,' Mayso.

Mason:  Remember how I asked you not to call me that, Seville?  Remember?  Remember how I asked you not to call me Mayso, Seville?

Seville:  Sorry about that, Mayso.  I do remember you asking me not to call you that.  What I don't recall is my agreeing to stop doing it.  MOUSES!


                                         *******************************************

So what do you all think?  A show like Hawaii Five-O set right here in Nova Scotia?  One starring cats?  Cats who like a lot of nip?  And we'll call it Nova Scotia 1867 or something like that.  What do you think?  You think I could sell a script like that to CBC?  Do you think they'd go for that? Inquiring minds wanna know.  MOUSES!