he's doin' laps

For mousin' out loud.

HMMPH!

There I was yesterday, workin' hard on my blog post when...

When Peep #1 let Andy in.

AGAIN.

MOUSES!

That's right, the peep let Anderson into MY office, AGAIN!

And when I say again, I don't mean again as in like for a second time.  I don't mean again as in like for a third time, either.  I mean again as in like for a one million and thirty-ninth time, give or take a million or two.  MOUSES!

Apparently, my brother Anderson has started an exercise routine.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', the peep lettin' Andy into my office has nothin' to do with exercise, and while I'd normally agree with you on that, this time, I can't.

Unfortunately.

MOUSES!

You see...

You see, Andy has decided he should start doin' laps.

Now Andy doin' laps wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for those laps takin' him through MY office a million and thirty-nine, give or take a million or two, times, but as I found out yesterday, it does.

All day long, EVERY TIME the peep opened my office door by the driveway, Andy would dart inside. Then he'd trot straight over to the other door - the one that leads into the kitchen - and ask the peep to open that.  Then he'd go through the kitchen and out the kitchen window, only to reappear at my office door by the driveway again, wantin' back inside.

This went on and on and on...

And on and on and on...

And on.

ALL DAY LONG.

MOUSES!

Like I said, Andy is now doin' laps.

And why?

Well apparently, he overheard the peeps talking 'bout how he had gained an ounce or two.

Ounce...  Pound...  Whatever.

But to be perfectly honest, a lot of that is just floof.

Okay, to be PERFECTLY honest, there's not enough floof in the world to account for Andy's size, but...

But he IS part Coon, and was clearly meant to be a very big cat.

Nevertheless, Anderson now has an exercise routine.

Andy has a problem, too.  The problem is, his exercise routine of doin' laps isn't workin' out so well, on account of those laps not only annoyingly takin' him through MY OFFICE a million and thirty-nine, give or take a million or two, times, but also...

But also takin' him through the kitchen and right past the...

Snacks.

Yeah, that's right, for every lap Andy makes, a snack or two he takes, and...

And that is doin' nothin' but addin' more...

FLOOF.

What can I say?  A million and thirty-nine (give or take a million or two) snacks a day, is a whole lot of snacks.

MOUSES!

and your point is?

And your point is?

Mouses woman.  Can't a cat cough up a little hairball in peace?

So anyway...

So anyway, does my tail look fat to you, Peepers? You think I should lose an ounce or two?

DON'T ANSWER THAT.

No Peepers, it was what one calls a rhetorical question.

What's that?  Oh.  Well...  A rhetorical question is a question that...

What do you mean you already know what rhetorical means?   Then why did you ask...?

Oh.  You were askin' how I knew what rhetorical meant.  Well, I know 'cause...

Mouses woman, of course I know!  I am a highly intelligent bloggin' kitty, after all.

In fact, I know lots of stuff.  I know lots and lots of stuff, to be sure.  Truth be told, I know stuff 'bout you.  Stuff you might not want spread all 'round the Internet, if you know what I mean.

So you might wanna quit with the insults while you're ahead.  MOUSES!

But back to my tail.

Actually, I think my tail is pretty much perfect.  Good thing, too, 'cause I really didn't want to consider goin' on a diet or anythin' like that.  We all know how much I enjoy my snacks.  MOUSES!

NO, I did not cough up that hairball 'cause of an eating disorder.  MOUSES!

Besides, it was only a little hairball.  Guess you've been combing my fur pretty well, as of late.  I'll give you that, Peepers.

Actually, you've been doin' a far better job of combin' my fur than you have of some other things.

What's that, Peepers?

I was just gonna tell everyone how for two days in a row, you plugged the toaster in, instead of the coffee maker, and then wondered why the coffee maker didn't make you any coffee.  Thing is, Peepers, the coffee maker runs on what we call ELECTRICITY, so if you don't plug it in, it doesn't work.  Not even if you turn it on.  It's really very simple.  Don't know why you didn't know 'bout that before.

What's that, Peepers?  WHAT?  MOUSES!

OH PUH-LEASE.  If I was gonna tell the world your most secret of secrets, I'd tell 'em better secrets than that.

Remember how...?

FINE.

Turns out I have a secret or two, too.  Secrets I might not want told.  And the peep knows all about 'em, for sure.  MOUSES!

BUT I REALLY WAS thinking 'bout developin' a bit of an exercise routine.  One for cats.  One for cats who think their tails might be lookin' a little...  You know... Fluffy.

Anyway, I heard on the television this mornin', how some peeps were exercising usin' some sort of combat sport kind of thing.  I wasn't payin' too much attention as at the time, I was enjoyin' a snack, so I'm really not sure what it was all about.  But combat sportin' sounds a lot like smacky paws to me.

So I thought about it for all of thirty seconds, and then I remembered the last time I got into the smacky paws with my sister, Mason.  And then I thought better of that.

Mason fights like a girl.

A girl with a mean left hook and an even meaner right one.  MOUSES!

So then I thought about doin' a variation on the whole Pokemon thing.  I know, I know...  Pokemon.

But my version doesn't require a smart phone or an app or anythin' like that.

In my version, you find a crowd of peeps, pick out the meanest, ugliest, toughest lookin' one in the group, POKE HIM, hurl out an insult or two, and then run.  Run really, really fast.  Faster than you've ever run before.  MOUSES!

That should burn off a calorie or two.  Enough to make a tail look a little less fluffy, if you know what I mean.

But since we cats aren't allowed out on the streets, cavorting with mean, ugly, tough-lookin' strangers, I thought better of that, too.

So I replaced the mean, tough lookin' mon - I mean, man - with a mean, tough lookin' dog.  Poke him and then run.

But I scratched that idea as well.  Sounded too dangerous to me.

Then..   Then I came up with the PERFECT idea.

Go into the family room and find my sister Mason.  Poke HER.  Tell her her grandma wears combat boots and then run like the dickens.  Run faster than the dickens.  Run faster than Charles Dickens ever ran!  Run faster than Charles Dickens ever dreamt of running 'cause truth be told, I actually don't know if Charles Dickens was a fast runner.  He might have been, but then he might not.  But I'm willin' to bet that at times, he dreamt of running really fast.  And I can ASSURE you, had he had my sister Mason on his tail, after he had implied Mason's grandma was workin' out of a cathouse or somethin', he would have been dreamin' of runnin' really fast.  Really, REALLY fast, for sure. 'Cause in case you didn't hear me before, Mason has the meanest left hook, ever, and an equally mean right one, to boot.

You don't ever wanna do the smacky paws with Mason and that, my friends, is for sure.  MOUSES!

gone to the dogs

Dogs.  DOGS!  Today's blog post is being brought to you by dogs.  Yup, it has pretty much gone to the dogs, to be sure. MOUSES!

I was sitting here at my desk this morning, minding my own business, when I happened to look out the window and what did I see?  You guessed it, dogs.  Dogs minding - or rather doing - their business, I might add.

Again I must say, MOUSES!

Funny thing 'bout dogs; they sure do have their peeps well trained.  I mean, you see 'em walking their peeps here, there and just about everywhere and that, my friends, is what I wanna blog about today.

Well that and run-on sentences.

Fooled you!  There will be no talk of run-on sentences in this post.  I might use one or two or maybe even three but I'm not gonna talk about them except, of course, for my brief mentioning of them and that, my friends, is for sure. MOUSES!

But let's get back to those dogs.

Ever notice how dogs have to be walked?  Huh?  Ever notice that?

Now personally, I enjoy a nice walkabout, myself, but not when the weather is nasty and stuff.  I like walking about the garden when it's sunny and the temperatures are just right.  Not too cold and not too hot.  Know what I mean?  And although I have been known to go for a walk in the yard when it's snowing, I don't want to go outside when there's a blizzard a-blowing and I certainly don't want to go out in the rain.  Rain is just...  well...  icky.  MOUSES!

But dogs have to go outside for walks, no matter what the weather.  Whether it's cold or suffocatingly hot or snowing or pouring or blowing up a storm, when you're a dog, you need to go outside for your walks.  That kind of sucks if you ask me.  MOUSES!

And it's not just the dogs, either.  The peeps have to go out walking 'em, too.

I've heard some peeps say they like walking their dogs 'cause it keeps them healthy and stuff.  I can see that.  Kind of.

Yup, I can kind of see how having to walk a dog might give a peep a reason to go out walking but when you think about it, peeps can go out walking pretty much any time they like so technically speaking, they don't have to have a dog in order to take a walk.  I mean, if it's exercise they're after, peeps can simply go do their exercising without any dog being required.

You don't need a dog in order to exercise.

Never once have I heard a peep say, Boy-oh-boy, I'm the luckiest peep around 'cause my car broke down last week and now I have to walk to work and the grocery store and to my doctor's appointments and when going on dates so really, because I've been forced to leave the car sitting in the driveway while I walk just about everywhere, I'm the healthiest person around.

Of course, there was that guy from Canada Post who claimed senior citizen peeps WANTED to walk on slippery sidewalks in the dead of winter to struggle through drifts of snow to pick up their mail at one of those gigantic super-sized mail boxes because those senior peeps wanted to get out and get more exercise.  Yeah, there was that guy.  Of course, I'm not sure he was walking along those same streets. Nah, he probably drove his car.

Need I say it?  Sure, why not? MOUSES!

But once again, let's get back to those dogs.

This is not an anti-dog post.  No sirree, I'm not an anti-dog kind of cat.  This here post is actually pro-dog.  Or rather, for the dogs, so to speak...  type...  whatever.

This here post is about a newly invented invention of mine.  Well technically speaking, I haven't actually invented it yet.  I'm still in the planning stages and whatnot but once I have a working prototype, I'm planning on presenting it on that television show where cats and peeps present their business ideas to these financial bigwigs and get money to make 'em happen and stuff.

Well actually...  if I'm gonna be really technical...  so far...

So far there haven't been any cats appearing on the Dragon's Den.  Nope, so far only peeps but I figure there's a first time for everything so why shouldn't I be the first cat to appear on that show, ready to start up a business and stuff?  Huh?  Why not?  MOUSES!

And when you're a cat like me with such a great idea as mine...

Well I think the Dragon's Den is the PURRfect fit and will be lucky to have me, to be sure. MOUSES!

So here's what I'm thinking...

You take a big plastic box, kind of like a litter box but bigger in size.  Four by four feet should do nicely but unlike a kitty litter box, it will have lower sides.  Yeah, only an inch or so of rim is necessary as no litter is required because as we all know, doggies don't like to bury their...  uh... you-know-whats as do we cats.  And in the middle of the box, will be a fire hydrant for the peeing station and below that, some sort of catch-all for the uh...  liquids.  And next to the box will sit a box of poop bags and disinfectant wipes, for easy clean-up.

But that's not the whole thing!  Oh no, the litter box part of the the litter box sits next to a circular wheel - pardon the redundancy - that is wide enough for a dog and a peep to walk, side-by-side. Just like they make 'em for gerbils and whatnot only bigger on account of the dogs and the peeps who will be using them, instead.

The beauty of my indoor doggy toilets - which is my working name for now - is that dogs and peeps can still get their exercise and do their daily constitutionals but they can do so, from the comfort of inside their own home. No rain or snow to contend with.  No icy cold winds. No cars madly beeping their horns.  No mailmen yelling when you chase 'em.  None of that nasty stuff at all!

What's more, my indoor doggy toilets will answer the age-old question of who let the dogs out?  The answer, of course, will be no one for no one need let the dogs out if said dogs are doing their business indoors.  MOUSES!

When you think about it, it's pure genius, really.  Yup, pure genius for sure.  Just goes to show you, it takes a cat to invent an indoor doggy toilet with walking wheel accessory, to be sure.  MOUSES!

                                                           **********************

And speaking of litter boxes, the peeps are still waiting on that permit from the Department of Environment for The Big Dig to begin in my backyard but we heard today that the permit has been processed and issued so that's some good news, for sure.

take a hike

Are you tired of a sedentary lifestyle?  Are household chores not giving you enough daily activity?  Do you constantly feel tired and lacking of energy?  Have no get up and go?  No vim?  No vigour?  Feel kind of bleh?

Are you experiencing the need to get more exercise?  Do you feel the desire to get out in the fresh air more often?  A desire to lead a more active life?

Have you ever said to yourself, "If only I had a reason to go for a daily walk.  If only I could make myself go outside every day, no matter what.  If only someone would force me to get out there for the good of my health."

If this describes you, you're in luck.  You can now take a hike, courtesy of Canada Post, on a daily basis.  That's right, TAKE A HIKE.  MOUSES!

Just picture it.  A bitterly cold January day after a heavy snowfall.  The wind is blowing and conditions are almost blizzard-like.  Previously, you might have decided to skip your daily exercise routine.  Skip that daily walk.  Weather out there is just too darn frightful.  Who would willingly go outside in that?

But now, thanks to Canada Post's decision to cancel urban door-to-door mail delivery, you have to go outside.  You have to brave the elements.  You'll be forced to trudge through snowbanks and slip and slide on icy sidewalks.  Forced to get out there in the fresh air and be active.

And in the summer when the temperature soars and the humidex is stifling, instead of lazing about in front of an air conditioner, you'll be hiking down the street to collect your mail.  Remember to wear sunscreen.  You don't want to get a burn.

Are you a senior who has allowed worry over icy sidewalks and broken bones to stop you from walking in winter?  Has worry over heat exhaustion on hot summer days with poor air quality stopped you from exercising outside in summer?

You won't allow those worries to stop you any more because now you have your very own personal trainer.

Deepak Chopra, head of Canada Post, has heard your desire to lead a more active lifestyle.  In 2013 he told Parliament that Canadian seniors will welcome the cancellation of urban door-to-door mail delivery because they want to be healthy and more active.  I say, what better way to do that than to be forced to get out there and hike to the nearest super mailbox?  Wherever that may be.

And remember, you don't want to miss a day.  No matter what the weather, you'll want to get out there and hike to that mailbox because Canada Post recommends picking up mail at super mailboxes on a daily basis to avoid having it stolen.  MOUSES!

In case you missed it, Canada Post is discontinuing all urban door-to-door mail delivery and replacing it with super mailbox to super mailbox delivery, instead.

There are some pretty upset peeps out there because of this.  So upset, in fact, that one city mayor took a jack-hammer to the concrete slab where Canada Post planned to plant a new mailbox, just last week.   He was making a point, he said.

Not a lot of peeps find these super mailboxes to be very super at all.  They're big and awkward and kind of ugly and where already in use, appear to be somewhat vulnerable to theft.  MOUSES!

City peeps are complaining that because of their size, they'll be difficult to place. Cities are going to need an awful lot of them and city streets are already filled with bus shelters and benches and the like. Not every street will be able to accommodate them.  Did I mention they were super big?

MOUSES!  That must be why they're called super.  THEY'RE SUPER-SIZED!!!

Super-sized like a fast-food meal.  No wonder Canada Post is feeling the need to be the personal trainer of Canadians.  MOUSES!