got a minute?

Hey Peepers!  You got a second?

Scratch that.

Hey Peepers!  Gotta minute?

Hmmm...  Scratch that, too.

Hey Peepers!  You have an hour or so, or...

WHO AM I KIDDIN'?  This is gonna take all afternoon, for sure.  MOUSES!

So Peepers, the reason I was wonderin' if you had some time for me, was...

Well...

WELL...

Well Peepers, we need to talk.

SERIOUSLY.

MOUSES!

About what must we talk, you ask?

WHERE DO I BEGIN?

So like I was tellin' Mason the other day, we're gonna have to do something 'bout those two freakishly long-haired marmie brothers of mine.

You didn't hear what they did?

Really?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR THEM DOIN' WHAT THEY DID?

REALLY?

For mousin' out loud, a kitty accidentally knocks a couple pieces of cutlery off the kitchen counter, and you hear that.

It was TOO by accident.

Oh.  Well no.  No, my jumpin' up onto the kitchen counter in the first place WASN'T by accident, but you're splittin' hairs there, Peepers.  You're SPLITTIN' hairs!

And speakin' of split hairs, I happened to notice you have a few split ends there, Peepers.  You might wanna make an appointment with the groomer or somethin'.  MOUSES!

But like I was tellin' Mason, you and I need to have a little talk about those two freakishly long-haired marmie brothers of mine.

No.  No, I don't know.  I don't know whether or not they have split ends, but hey, if you wanna make appointments for them at the groomer too, you could all go in to have your hair done together.  MOUSES!

But the thing is, Peepers, those two freaky long-haired marmie brothers of mine are gettin' into mischief like no kitties have ever gotten into mischief before, and...

What?  Well no.  No, THEY were not the kitties who were jumpin' up onto the kitchen counter the other day, but...

BUT YOU'RE GETTIN' OFF TOPIC THERE, PEEPERS.  The topic at paw is how Andy and Rushy are causin' trouble.  How THEY'RE gettin' into mischief.  How they're bein' naughty.  The topic at paw has NOTHIN' to do with any trouble I've been causin'.

If I WERE causing trouble, that is.

Which I'm not.

At all. 

I don't think.

MOUSES!

'Cause you know, Peepers, Christmas is closer than you might be realizin'.  It's gettin' closer by the day!  And I've always found, it's best for a kitty to be on his best behaviour in the weeks immediately preceedin' Christmas, and...

AND YOU MIGHT WANNA MENTION THAT TO THOSE TWO FREAKY LONG-HAIRED BROTHERS OF MINE, 'CAUSE...

'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT SANTA TO BOYCOTT OUR HOUSE ON ACCOUNT OF THEIR NAUGHTY BEHAVIOUR.

If Santa is gonna boycott our house on account of anyone's naughty behaviour, it's gonna be mine.

If I WERE bein' naughty, that is.

Which I'm not.

At all.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

Basically, Peepers, that's all I needed to talk to you about.

So uh...

So what are you plannin' to do about it?  Huh?  HUH?  What are you...

NEVER YOU MIND WHAT I WAS DOIN' UP ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER THE OTHER DAY.  Rest assured, there must have been somethin' up there needin' to be done.

And when doin' stuff that NEEDS to be done, doin' it is never naughty.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

we need to talk

Hey Peepers!  Ya have a minute?

We need to talk.

No, you come in here.  You come in here, into the family room.

"EWWW...."

YES!  Score one for the cats.

MOUSES!

Hey Andy!  That was a great spot you picked for throwin' up.  Peep #1 never saw it comin'.

MOUSES!

But seriously Peepers, we do need to talk.  Come on over here and sit down next to me.  Right here.  Right next to me on this chair, and...

NO...  No I did not toss my cookies on the chair.  I'm not settin' you up for another throw-up incident.

'Least not this time.

MOUSES!

But SERIOUSLY Peepers, we NEED to talk.  And actually, it is about Andy and his throwin' up.

I know, I know...  He doesn't do it all that often these days.  But when he does...

When he does, it's 'cause he scarfed down all the treats without chewin'.  I mean, have you SEEN him go at those treats?  He's like a feline Hoover!

No, not the President.  The vacuum!

I'm tellin' ya, peeps and their weird ideas.  You'd think she had been into the nip or somethin'.  MOUSES!

The thing is, Peepers, he's eatin' all the good ones.  Andy, I mean.  Andy is eatin' all the good treats.  And the other day, he started in on my freeze-dried salmon treats.  You know the ones.  The ones you keep just for me.

Yeah, yeah...  And for Mason, too.


BUT FOR NOBODY ELSE.

And ESPECIALLY not for that long-haired marmie feline vacuum freak.

Anyway, like I was sayin', the other day, Andy tore right into the package of freeze-dried salmon treats like his teeth were a pair of scissors or somethin'.  And after his recent dental, he doesn't even have all that many teeth!  I have no idea how he got into that package, at all.

And what a waste of good treats.  I'm tellin' you, Peepers, I don't think he can even taste them, he eats them so fast.  One second they're there on the floor or the table, and the next?  The next second they're all gone.  Straight from the lips to the hips, never touchin' anythin' in between.

And speakin' of hips, have you SEEN the size of Andy's hips lately?

Yeah, well that's on account of his eatin' everyone's treats.

MOUSES!

So anyway, I was thinkin'....

'Nough of that, Peepers.  'Nough of the OH-SO-YOU'RE-FINALLY-THINKIN' jokes.  There's no need to be rude.

So anyway, I WAS THINKIN', you should just start givin' Andy regular ol' dry kibble, and tell him that those bits of regular ol' kibble are treats, thereby savin' the REAL treats for me.

Yeah, yeah...  And for Mason, too.

He'll never know the difference, Peepers.  Honestly, he won't.  He'll just scarf 'em down, thinkin' they're treats.  Trust me on this one, Peepers, I'm right about this.  TRUST ME.

Have you ever known me to tell a lie, Peepers?  Have you?

DON'T ANSWER THAT.

MOUSES!