pass me a drink

Can someone please pass me a drink?

Nip on the rocks would be nice, but if you don't have that, a niptini will do.  Extra nip, if you please.  Thanks.

Here Peepers, get this down ya.  See if it makes you feel any better.

MOUSES!

Hmmm...  You know, if I were pawed a nip on the rocks by an ever-so-thoughtful marmalade kitty, I would be sure to say thank you.

MOUSES!

What are those green flecks floatin' around in the glass, you ask?  Why, that's the nip, of course.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, I have another tale to tell you, my friends, 'bout the critters livin' around and about my house.

Actually, "tale" is not a good word for me to use, as everythin' I'm about to tell you is...

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE.

No fake news or alternative facts here.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, yesterday, the peep was doin' somethin' with her plants.  I don't know exactly what.  She was moving 'em about or somethin' weird like that.  You know, weird stuff like peeps do.

Now these plants aren't planted in the ground.  No sirree.  These plants are still in flats and pots and things.  They're out on the driveway, which is why the peep was doin' whatever weird stuff she was doin', while standin' on the driveway, herself.

Now I, Seville the Cat, was up at the family room window, observin' the peep.  It's best to observe from a distance, I find.  You're less likely to be contaminated with peep weirdness that way.  Andy, never one to be concerned with peep weirdness contamination, was at the side door, just sittin' there, doin' whatever Andys do, which would be pretty much nothin'.  Nothin' good, anyway, and that is for sure.  Mason was sniffin' some lemon balm.  Why, I don't know.  I mean, the stuff reeks of stinky ol' lemons.  It's a definite ewww...

Well the peep was just about to bend down and pick up a plant when she noticed a very big - one might even say, HUGE - grey squirrel runnin' toward her.  He...  She?  Don't know, to be honest, as I didn't ask, and quite frankly, the boy squirrels look just like the girls to us cats.

I suppose the squirrels can tell the difference but seriously, it's really not pertinent to my story.

MOUSES!

So anyway, this squirrel dude - or gal - comes runnin' up to the peep and stops 'bout...  'Bout six feet away.  Which would be less than one foot away from my sister, Mason.  But Mason was so intent on the smellin' of the lemon balm, she didn't even notice the squirrel at first.

Andy spotted the squirrel right away, but did he move?  Ha!  Did he run and chase the squirrel?  HA!

Nope, no sirree.  Andy, bein' an Andy, just sat there and yawned.

Yes, yawned.  A borin' ol' yawn was all Andy could muster.  A yawn!

MOUSES!

Then Mason came out of her lemon-balm sniffin' trance and turned around.  Looked right at the squirrel.  Right in his eyes.  And then...

Then she went back to the lemon balm which, I might add, stinks.  Did I happen to mention that?  That ol' lemon balm stinks to high heaven, just like stinky ol' lemons.

MOUSES!

Now the peep...  Well the peep just stood there, lookin' at the squirrel.  The squirrel stood his - her? - ground and looked right back at the peep.

Clearly, the peep is not a threat to the local wildlife.

And apparently, neither are we cats.

MOUSES!

Seriously, my friends, that ol' squirrel wasn't the least bit afraid of my lemon balm sniffin' sister, nor my full of yawns brother which, when you think about it, is probably a good thing.  You know, on account of when the grey squirrels get upset 'round here, they tend to hurl objects at the peep.

Remember the Great Acorn Incident of 2016?

MOUSES!

But back to the present and my peep.

So the peep watched as the squirrel took a few steps closer.  Now these were squirrel steps, mind you.  Squirrel steps aren't that big so really, he - she? - didn't travel all that far.

But he travelled far enough, to...

To grab a big ol' juice strawberry from a strawberry plant before turnin' and carryin' it off.

MOUSES!

Now the peep, bein' a peep, was totally annoyed.  Why, I don't know, on account of strawberries bein' right up there in the yuk department as lemon balm.

But you know peeps...

Peeps have no sense of good taste, whatsoever.

And apparently neither does my sister, for there she was, still intent on sniffin' that stinky ol' balm.

MOUSES!

But as far as I'm concerned, that squirrel did Ol' Peepers a really big favour by disposin' of the stupid red strawberry.

The peep, on the other paw, disagreed.

In fact, it was her moanin' and groanin' about what this squirrel did that made me think she - the peep, that is - could benefit from a good stiff, nipped-up drink.

MOUSES!

Now in retrospect, this incident does explain one thing.

No, not the fact that neither Mason nor Andy are cat enough to go after a squirrel.  Believe me, there's NO explainin' that.

No, the incident explains...

The definite lack of strawberries, this year, for the peep.

MOUSES!

the enforcer

He thinks he's the enforcer.

He thinks HE'S the enforcer.

HA!

Everyone who knows ANYTHIN', knows I'M the enforcer 'round here.

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, that long-haired marmie freak of a brother of mine, Andy, had best be rethinkin' what he has been thinkin', and he had best start rethinkin' his thinkin', RIGHT NOW.

MOUSES!

So this mornin', Peep #1 put her stupid little lettuce plants and stuff outside, to get some sun.

And DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED 'bout the fact she's growin' stupid lettuce plants in the first place, and not nip.  Of course, she CAN'T grow the nip.  This, my friends, is a known fact, so I guess she has to settle for stupid plants like lettuce and stuff.  Well it's HER loss, not mine, as I'm currently growin' MY VERY OWN NIP PLANTS all by MY VERY OWN SELF, but further details 'bout that endeavour will have to wait to be reported in another blog post, another day.  MOUSES!

Anyway, before I digress even further, bottom line is, the peep put her plants outside.

You know, the stupid ones.

To get some sun.

MOUSES!

Well the next thing she knew, Andy was out there, sniffin' around those plants.

Now had Andy been out there sniffin' around MY NIP PLANTS, it would have been cause for concern, but Andy, bein' Andy, was sniffin' around the lettuces.

Like a cat wants anythin' to do with lettuce.

MOUSES!

Well the peep was out there in a shot, tellin' Andy off for sniffing 'round her plants.  Why she was so concerned, I have no idea.  Like I said before, it's not like he was sniffing 'round plants of importance.  Important plants like my nip.  Now THAT would have been a travesty, for sure.

Andy, BEIN' ANDY, just looked up at her and said, "Wha?"

MOUSES!

Now before anyone twists their knickers into knots, lettuce is perfectly harmless to cats.

But back to my story.

I mean, REPORTIN'.

MOUSES!

So Andy grumbled, and he mumbled, then headed back into the house.

So anyway...

So anyway, a little while later, Peep #1 spotted Rushy outside, nosin' around those stupid ol' lettuce plants.  Up like a flash she was, headin' out to save her precious little stupidy dupidy plants.

Again, I have no idea why she was even botherin'.  I mean, IT'S NOT LIKE they were important.  It's not like they were nip, or somethin' wonderful like that.

What am I sayin'?  NOTHIN' is wonderful like nip.

MOUSES!

But before the peep could even get to Rushy, Andy was right there.  Like he had lurkin' about in hiding, somewhere.

Yeah, that's right.  Andy.  Andy, the very same cat who half an hour earlier, had been nosin' around those very same plants.

MOUSES!

"Take that!" Andy cried.  "TAKE THAT!"  And he swung at Rushy with his right, then his left - missin' the target, BOTH times - but nevertheless...

Then Rushy was down on his side, gettin' ready to bunnykick his long-haired freak of a brother.

Which, of course, made Andy think he had won.

But just at that moment, the peep arrived on the scene.  She scooped Rushy up into her arms and scolded Andy for bein' so mean.

"But I was...  But...  BUT..."

"He said BUTT!" I laughed from inside.  "THE LONG-HAIRED MARMIE BUTT-HEAD SAID BUTT!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"ENOUGH!" the peep cried.  "Andy, don't be so mean to your brother.  Rushy, you come inside.  AND SEVILLE...."

"What?  What did I do?" I asked, truly perplexed.

The peep scowled.

"WHAT?"

And the peep scowled even more.

"You keep scowlin' like that, Peepers, and that face is gonna stick," I warned.  "And if you don't believe me, have you SEEN the guy at the end of the street?  Yeah, I know.  Not a pretty sight.  Not pretty at all.  That thing on his face?  That's a Permascowl.  It's just like permafreeze.  Or frost.  You know...  Whatever.  Anyway, thing is, he scowled one time too many, and it stuck.  MOUSES!"

Then the peep's scowl turned into a questioning look as she asked, "What are you talking about, Seville?"

"Stuff."

"But lookie here," I continued, "that brother of mine - ANDY - is thinkin' he's the enforcer, in this here house.  He's thinkin' that HE'S the one layin' down the law.  That HE'S the one who should be punishin' Rushy for doin' the same thing you had scolded him for doin', just moments before.  And that, dear peep, must come to a stop.  MOUSES!"

The peep's face went blank.

"Yeah, that blank stare is a good one for you.  You won't get wrinkles like that, UNLIKE when you scowl.  But anyway, the thing is, I need you to explain to Andy how I'M the enforcer in this here house."

No response from the peep.

"Did you hear what I said, Peepers?  DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?"

Again, no response.

And just at that moment - that VERY moment, my friends - my sister, Mason, arrived on the scene.  "Someone call for The Enforcer?" she asked.  "I.  AM.  HERE."

MOUSES!

don't cry over spilt milk

Peepers.

Peepers?

PEEPERS!

Oh hi there peeps.  I was just wonderin' why you were so upset.

You're not all that upset, you say?  You're only a little bit upset?  Well how little is a little?  Is it a whole lot less or just a little bit less, than all that?

Hmmm...

So you mean, you're upset like I was upset, when I discovered my very favourite nip mouse in the whole wide world had been slobbered on by some cat other than myself, but then realized my second favourite nip mouse in the whole wide world was still slobber-free.

HMMM...

Well that means you're pretty moused-up upset, Peepers, but not in a completely inconsolable way. MOUSES!

Anyway, you haven't answered my question.  How come you were upset in the first place?

Oh.  Oh yeah.  I knew all about that.

Oh sure!  I saw it happenin'.  I was on the window ledge watchin' when it did.

Well they enjoyed 'em, for sure.

They did!  Honestly.  In fact, I'd say they enjoyed 'em as much, if not more, than you were gonna enjoy 'em, so...

Peepers, didn't anyone ever tell you not to cry over spilt milk?  It's unbecomin' of a peep.  Now spilt cream?  Spilt cream is a TOTALLY different matter, for sure.  And spilt NIP?  Oh my mouses.  Spilt nip is the worst kind of spillage you can have.  Why, spilt nip is the spillage of all spillages. Spilt nip is...

Just goes to show you, every cloud has a silver linin'.

What?  Oh.  Sorry 'bout that.  I kinda forgot to say out loud what I was thinkin'.  That's why you're so confused.  THIS time.  There's no accountin' for your bein' confused ALL the times you're confused. You do tend to be a super confused peep.

Fine, I'll explain.  I was just thinkin' to myself, NOTHIN' is as serious as spilt nip, and spilt nip is not what you have.  Now spilt cream does come in in second place, albeit a pretty distant second place at that.  But even if you had spilt some cream, there would still be no need for you to cry over it on account of your not needin' the cream anymore anyway, on account of your no longer havin' any strawberries to eat with that cream.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Peepers.  It's very difficult for peeps to keep up with my thought processes.  What can I say?  My mind works in mysterious ways and it ALWAYS works at top speed, for sure.  Sometimes you might think my mind is runnin' amok but really, it's just that I'm thinkin' so quickly, you can't possibly keep up.  I mean, you're just a peep.  Sometimes I can't keep up with it myself!  MOUSES!

Oh yeah, I did say that, didn't I.  I did mention my bearin' witness to the events of last night.

Well...  Well the thing is, I was up on the windowsill, enjoyin' a nice cool evenin' breeze, when I saw a couple of rockies hangin' out by those strawberry plants of yours.  And I have to tell you Peepers, they were really excited when they discovered the berries were ripe.  I guess ripe strawberries are pretty tasty IF you like that sort of thing.  Personally, they're not somethin' I would eat, but to each his own.

Why didn't I say anythin' at the time, you ask?

Well...  Well I figured you already knew.

Yeah.  Why wouldn't you?  I mean, it's not like somebody else put those pots of strawberries right there.  Right there on the ground, where the neighbourhood marauding gang of rockies pass every night.  You must have known they'd find 'em there.  In fact, some might even think you left 'em there on purpose.  You know, left 'em there for them to be found.  I just figured that was your plan all along and...

Peepers.

Peepers?

PEEPERS!

You know, you can deny it all you like, but I think you're more upset 'bout these strawberries than you're admittin' and...

Peepers, now that I think about it, it would be really thoughtful of you if the next time you have some strawberries ready for those rockies, you would leave out a little cream.  I'm pretty sure they'd really enjoy some strawberries and cream, and in order to have strawberries and cream, you kinda need to have the cream.  Without the cream, strawberries and cream are just...  You know...  Strawberries.

MOUSES!

a four-letter word

I need a four-letter word.  Hmmm...

Anybody know a four-letter word for ingrate?  I know one.  PEEP!

Let me explain...

A few days ago, Ol' Peepers was out in the garden, unsupervised.  I know. Never a good thing but I had some power nappin' to do.  I needed to catch up on some naps on account of my havin' missed some of 'em with all the hard work I had been puttin' into my blogging.

Anywho...  the peep was potting up some strawberry plants and I figured she could do that on her own.  I mean, just how difficult is it to take the plants from the smaller pots and replant them into the bigger ones?  How can you go wrong with somethin' as simple as that?  Little did I know...

Apparently, there were some dead outer leaves on many of the strawberry plants and Peepers wanted to snip them all away.  So snip, snip, snip she went until...  until she got a little to close to one of her fingers with those secateurs and...  SNIP!  Yup, right through the skin.  There was blood everywhere.

Don't worry!  The peep still has all of her fingers.  She'll survive.  In fact, the wound has almost completely healed up already but there really was blood everywhere.  She made a right ol' bloody mess, she did.  MOUSES!

She said it hurt, too.  She said it hurt a lot but I'm not sure how much I believe her 'bout that 'cause although she made quite a bit of fuss, she wasn't really nearly as fussy as some of us cats have been known to be at the doctor's office.  I kind of think she was exaggerating a little bit.

But exaggerating or not and even though she did wake me up from my power nappin' session, I felt a little guilty for havin' allowed Peep #1 to be out there in the garden all alone, unsupervised, in the first place.  She really does need constant supervision and this little incident is clearly evidence of that fact.

So as I was feelin' guilty, I decided to give the peep a little prezzie.  You know...  to make her feel better and whatnot.

I searched and I searched and I searched for the perfect prezzie for the peep and finally, I found it.  I trotted right up to Ol' Peepers, gently carrying her prezzie in my mouth.  I set down in front of her, waitin' for her to thank me and maybe even tell me how thoughtful I was for thinkin' of her and bringing her such a wonderful gift.

Well the peep took one look at that snake hangin' from my mouth and told me to let it go.  "LET IT GO?  You know how long it took me to find the darned thing in the first place?" I cried.

That, of course, was my mistake 'cause when I opened my mouth to express my frustration with the peep's lack of gratitude, the snake dropped to the ground and slithered away.  I tried to catch it again but it got in amongst some plant pots and if you could believe it, the peep picked me up and took me away from them to allow the snake to escape.  MOUSES!

I decided that the peep must be a little delusional or somethin' on account of havin' lost all that blood when she snipped her finger.  She simply wasn't thinkin' straight.  So I forgave her and immediately went in search of another snake.

Half an hour later or so, I found one.  This was one even bigger than the last.  Jackpot!  I promptly presented the peep with her new prezzie but this time, was very careful not to open my mouth and let it go until I knew the peep was gonna appreciate my gift to her.

She approached me as I held the snake.  I backed away.  She approached me again, sayin' somethin' about lettin' the snake go.  Clearly, she was still sufferin' from her major blood loss and was not to be trusted in her obviously light-headed condition.  I turned and trotted away to the front yard, intent on holdin' onto the snake until the peep had come to her senses.

Of course, bein' a peep, she followed me.  Not only did she follow me but eventually she even caught up with me, picked me up and got me to release the snake.  Then she took said snake and put it in the brush pile where it would be safe from us cats.  MOUSES!

Of all the ungrateful, unappreciative and thankless things to do.  Again I say...  MOUSES!

Those two snakes I found for the peep were green snakes. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find green snakes hiding in the green grass?  Or the green violets?  Or the green anything?  THEY'RE ALL GREEN for mousin' out loud! They blend right in.  Findin' two of 'em in one day was quite the achievement and what does the peep do?  SHE RELEASES 'EM BACK INTO THE WILD!

Next time I want to give the peep a prezzie, I'm gonna give her a mouse.  Dead.  Not alive.  One she can't try to save. Perhaps with a little nip sauce served on the side...