There I was, lyin' on the chesterfield in the family room, dreamin' of sugarplums and fairies, when...
Wait a minute. Wait a cotton, nip-pickin' minute. I don't dream of sugarplums and fairies when I'm asleep.
Firstly, it's not Christmas, and those kinda things are Christmas kinda things, for sure.
Secondly, I'm a cat, and cats have way better things to dream about than that.
And thirdly, I'm not even sure what a sugarplum is, so if I were dreamin' about one, I wouldn't even know I was dreamin' about it, on account of my not bein' able to identify it in my dreams. MOUSES!
Now where was I? Oh yeah.
So there I was, lyin' on the chesterfield in the family room, dreamin' of nip-filled fields, ready for harvestin', when...
WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE, CAME AN EAR-PIERCING SOUND.
Hey Peepers! You hear that? You hear that deafening noise that's botherin' my ears?
Hey Peepers! You have any idea what that is? You have any idea what that deafening noise might be?
HEY PEEPERS! Are you to blame for whatever that is, botherin' my ears?
Well, as you may have guessed, the peep wasn't answerin' any of my questions. MOUSES!
HEY PEEPERS! What the mouses is that noise, and why is it botherin' my ears?
Well the noise was gettin' louder and louder by the minute. My gosh, it was so loud, even if the peep had answered my questions, I wouldn't have been able to hear the answers. MOUSES!
But way back... Way, way back, in the corner of my mind, I had an inkling that the sound sounded kinda familiar. Hmmm...
Now where-oh-where had I heard that noise before?
Had I heard it when someone - never mind who - accidentally knocked all the baking sheets and muffin tins off the top shelf in the kitchen island while lookin' for a nice quiet spot for nappin'? No, that noise was a far more clangy kinda noise than this.
Had I heard it when Peep #1 was raisin' the dead, practising her caterwaulin' when she used to go to caterwaulin' sessions once a week? No, the peep's caterwaulin' was a far more screechy kinda noise than this.
Had I heard it on the television when...
OH MY MOUSES! THAT WAS IT!
I had heard the very same noise while watchin' television. On a television show, where helicopters were approachin', en masse, and...
OH MY MOUSES! IT'S A RAID!
Well I jumped off the chesterfield and started runnin' in circles. "It's a raid! It's a raid! IT'S A RAID!" I cried, to anyone who would listen.
And do you think the peep did? Do you think she was listenin'? Do you think she was listenin' to me? Oh no, not my peep. My peep just sat there with her knittin'.
"GET OFF YOUR TAILLESS BUTT, PEEPERS, AND GET OFF IT RIGHT NOW! IT'S A RAID, I TELL YOU. IT'S A RAID!"
Well that did the trick. That did the trick, for sure. The peep got her tailless butt up off the chesterfield, and...
Okay, I should clarify somethin'. Her gettin' up wasn't so much because of my meowin' at her, nor because of my callin' her names...
What? Oh. Did I not mention that? Did I not mention my callin' her names?
Well never mind about that.
Anyway, suffice it to say, the peep FINALLY got her tailless butt up off the chesterfield when I grabbed hold of her ball of knittin' yarn, and tossed it to the other side of the room.
I have always found that in situations like this, one has to do, what one has to do. MOUSES!
Then I grabbed hold of the peep by the shoulders and yelled, "IT'S A RAID!" at the top of my lungs. Yup, I yelled it right in her face.
"Hide the nip! HIDE THE NIP! PEEPERS, THE POLICE ARE COMIN', AND THEY'RE LOOKIN' FOR MY NIP! They're comin' in helicopters, gettin' closer and closer by the minute. Any second now, they're gonna be breakin' down the door, throwin' warrants in your face, demanding we paw over all of the nip."
Well the peep, bein' a peep, just stared blankly ahead. Then she went over to the window, picked up the ball of yarn I had tossed over there, straightened back up, and looked out. "It's a helicopter, Seville," she said.
Like I didn't already know that.
"IT'S A RAID!" I yelled once more. "Don't just stand there like a telephone pole, Peepers. Get busy hidin' my nip."
The peep, still bein' a peep, continued to stare out the window, watchin' the pretty flashin' lights in the sky.
What to do... What to do...
That's when I realized I was gonna have to take matters into my own paws, and start hidin' my nip, myself. So I started racin' around, grabbin' nip mice here, and nip hearts there. Grabbin' any and all nip toys that were lyin' about, anywhere. Then I started stashing 'em under the chesterfield. Just pushing 'em under there, as fast as I could.
I knew from personal experience, you see, that peeps never look under chesterfields. After all, at last count, there were six dust bunnies livin' under there, with no peeps disturbing 'em in the least.
Yup, under our family room chesterfield, dust bunnies are breedin' like rabbits. MOUSES!
I briefly pondered the question as to whether or not dust bunnies ever imbibed in the nip, but quickly realized that with the helicopters upon me, and the police practically standin' on the other side of the door, I had no time to ponder the great questions of the universe and the like, and I got right back to hidin' the nip mice previously scattered about on the floor, when...
When the peep said, "There it goes, Seville. I wonder what that was all about."
I sat back on my haunches and looked up at the peep. "You mean the police just flew on by? Without even stoppin' to say hello?"
But the peep, bein' a peep, had settled back onto the couch with her knittin'.
God bless her, that ol' Peepers of mine. So trusting. So naive. So innocent. So...
SO OBLIVIOUS IS MORE LIKE IT. So clueless and nescient, too. MOUSES!
My gosh, that ol' peep of mine wouldn't know a nip raid if one came up to her and slapped her in the face. Or nipped her in the butt. Or... Or... OR WHATEVER. There she was, happily knittin' away, totally unaware of how close I came to losin' all of my nip. MOUSES!
I took a moment to catch my breath, and then did what any sensible kitty would do. I pushed the remainin' nip mice under the chesterfield for safe keeping, issued a stern warning to the dust bunny family livin' under there, that under no circumstances were they to imbibe in my nip, and then jumped back onto the chesterfield, and did my best to get myself back to sleep.
Moments later, there I was, lyin' on the chesterfield in the family room, dreamin' of nip-filled fields ready for harvestin' by a family of dust bunnies', when...
When comin' from the opposite direction...
THE NOISE OF THE HELICOPTER STARTED UP AGAIN.
My eyes opened wide. I sat up as straight as I could. Then, lookin' over at the peep, I yelled, "IT'S A RAID!"