Sunday 30 March 2014

gonna be a big day

Tomorrow is gonna be a big day at my house.  A really big day, for sure, and do you know why?

Tomorrow is gonna be a big day 'cause tomorrow, we're havin' a birthday. Tomorrow, my Aunties Primrose and Blossom are gonna be seventeen-years-old.  Can you believe it?  SEVENTEEN.

I don't know what the peeps have planned or anything.  Don't know if we'll be havin' a party or not but whatever we're doin', I suspect there will be nip.  Yup, you can't celebrate a seventeenth birthday without a little nip. I think it's a law or somethin'.  And if it isn't already a law, it sure should be.

Since my aunties are gonna be turnin' seventeen and all, I thought I might tell you about some of their uh...  ummm...  escapades?  Yeah...  escapades.  That's a good word for it, I should think. Let's see...

The following are true stories, told to me by my peeps.

As you probably know, my Auntie Primrose has a bit of a reputation with the local doctors.  You do remember my post entitled, "bloody Wednesday," do you not?  Truth be told, I suspect that some of the doctors arrange their vacation schedules around Prim's check-ups.  Nothin' better than bein' on another continent when Auntie Primrose is due for her vaccinations.  I also suspect that some doctors have even changed fields due to encounters with the Prim.  There was the one who went to work for the Department of Fisheries and then that other one who decided to train further in order to specialise in birds only and then that other one who just up and moved.  MOUSES!  Exactly what has my Auntie Primrose been up to?

Once, when Auntie Primrose was seein' the doctor, just for some shots I think, the nurse stood out in the hallway and said to my Peep #1, "I'll just stand out here in case she makes a lunge for me." MOUSES!  You'd think my auntie was a lion or somethin'.

This, by the way, was the very same nurse who used to make Peep #1 hold Primrose whenever anything was bein' done and once, when they needed to put her under to get a urine sample, my peep had to apply the gas 'cause the nurse was too scared of Primrose to do it. Of course, that particular nurse was also afraid of mice.  Imagine bein' afraid of a little mouse.  Talk about a scaredy-cat.  No self-respectin' cat would ever be afraid of a little mouse.  No, only peeps are afraid of mice.  MOUSES!

We don't go to that hospital anymore.

But the doctors at that hospital were super good even if a little nervous of my aunties.  There was this one time when the doctor just couldn't get close enough to give Auntie Primrose her vaccines.  He tried and tried and tried but Prim was havin' nothin' of it.  She didn't even want Ol' Peepers to hold her.  She was all over the place. Finally, the doctor suggested that, in the basement, they had a net they used to catch wild animals. Perhaps that would work?

Well, when the doctor was off in the basement lookin' for the net, Peep #1 caught Primrose and picked her up in her arms.  When the doctor returned, he found my Auntie Primrose nestled in, with her face buried in the crook of my peep's arm.  Luckily, what can't be seen, can't be feared so the doctor was able to come from behind and give Primrose her vaccinations without Primrose ever knowin' it was happenin'.

Apparently, these behavioural issues all began in their kittenhood.  My aunties all went into hospital together to be spayed.  Auntie Snowdrop was alive then so there were three of them.  All three were given a sedative before goin' under for their operations but they must have known somethin' was up 'cause when the nurse reached into the cage to bring one out and into the operating room, the other two rose up like snakes, hissing and spitting.  Do snakes spit?  Hmmm...  I've never seen a snake spit but that's what the doctor told Peep #1 the next day when she went to pick 'em up.  He also told her, he had used stitches that would melt on their own and that she needn't bring them back to have any stitches removed.  I wonder why...

You should have seen the look on that very same doctor's face when shortly afterwards, my Auntie Snowdrop was brought in 'cause she had torn a stitch climbing up the coats and jackets in the hall closet.

Although Primrose is the most feared by doctors far and wide, Auntie Blossom has had her moments.  Like that time when our new doctor made the mistake of reaching into the carrier to pull Blossom out.  Normally, this would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do but let's face it, when my aunties are involved, normality doesn't always apply.  There was hissing and there was spitting and I'm pretty sure an attempt to slash human skin was made.  That was when a nurse was brought in to help get a hold of Blossom.  A nurse wearin' those long leather gloves like you'd wear if you were wantin' to hold an eagle or somethin'.  MOUSES!

And, I believe, she pooped.  My Auntie Blossom, I mean. Not our doctor.  Not the nurse, either.  Auntie Blossom pooped right there in the carrier as the doctor and nurse with the long leather gloves were gettin' her out of it.

Yup, that's the ol' standby of my aunties when visitin' the doctor...  poopin'.  And, they tell me, it's best if it's super stinky poop, too.  The stinkier the better, they say.  My aunties swear that that's the best way to distract a doctor or two.

They've pooped in their carriers, on the exam table and once, my Auntie Primrose even pooped outside in the waiting area.  Imagine that.  She got herself into position right in the middle of the floor and...  well...  she pooped.  There was some person there, whom my peep didn't know, who thought she should inform Peep #1 that it appeared to be that Prim was gettin' ready to do her business. Ummm...  yeah...  like my peep didn't already know that.  MOUSES!

At home, my aunties are actually very well behaved.  They never hiss or spit at the peeps at home. Sometimes at the rest of us cats, sure...  but never at the peeps.

Once, Auntie Blossom did lead Peep #1 on a wild goose chase when she was up on the roof of the house, cryin', and the peep thought she was stuck under the deck and Peep #1 went crawlin' about under the deck lookin' for her and dodging spiders but that's another story for another day.

Oh, and then there's that time when Auntie Primrose really did get stuck under the deck 'cause she panics sometimes and the snow was blockin' her way out and she kind of forgot how she got in under there in the first place but that, too, is another story for another day.

Maybe I'll blog about those escapades on my aunties' next birthday, next year.  Yeah...  good plan.  Great plan. Fantastic plan, for sure.

In the meantime, please join me in wishing my Aunties Blossom and Primrose a VERY HAPPY SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY.  May their day be filled with love & cuddles and treats & nip.  Lots and LOTS of the nip.

Wednesday 26 March 2014

spam-o-magnet

This mornin', I find myself at a crossroads.  I'm tryin' to decide what to do.  I'm wonderin' if it's time to take apart the ol' computer.  Dismantle the whole thing, piece by piece, bit by bit.  During this period of dismantling, of course, I would be completely unable to blog.

You're probably all wonderin' why I'm thinkin' about takin' apart my computer especially when, as you know, I'm never gonna know how to put it back together again.  That's pretty much a given.  That bein' the case, this would likely be my very last blog post which would be extremely sad for me 'cause just yesterday, I passed the ol' hundred thousand hit mark.  Could this be the very last post on Nerissa's Life?  Could this be the end?

MOUSES!  I can't let that happen.

Okay, here's the thing.  I'm thinkin' that there's a tin of Spam lodged somewhere in my computer and I'm worried that if it accidentally gets opened or somethin' while stuck in my computer, it's gonna stink up the whole place, for sure.  I don't know exactly where it is and goodness knows I have no idea how it got in there in the first place but I think it must be in there somewhere.  You see, my computer appears to have become a bit of a spam-o-magnet, as of late.

Hmmm... Maybe there isn't any Spam in my computer.  Maybe there's some kind of magnet.  A magnet that attracts Spam?

Or maybe the Spam and the magnet aren't in my computer at all.  Maybe they're in me.  I don't think I ate any Spam.  I would remember that, I am sure.  Did I accidentally eat a magnet?  What exactly do magnets taste like?  Do they taste like Spam?  Actually, I've never eaten Spam.  What does Spam taste like?  Does anyone out there know?

I wonder if Mr. Anonymous Spam knows...

Yes, Mr. Anonymous Spam is back and by gosh golly he's in fine form.  He's an extremely prolific writer, you know.  It's true.  Every day he sends me a dozen or so comments 'bout all sorts of things.  He seems to have somewhat varied interests.

Quite often, the ol' spammer is tryin' to sell me shoes.  I, being a cat, don't wear shoes.  I know...  there was that cat named Puss-in-Boots who wore boots but boots aren't shoes and I'm Nerissa, not Puss-in-Boots.

Did you know that Peep #1 had a cat named Puss-in-Boots when she was just a little kitten, herself?  She did.  I have no idea if he actually wore boots or not.  The peep has never said.

Puss-in-Boots might have worn boots though 'cause I've heard he used to go for walks around the block with the peep.  Yup, it's true.  He used to follow her around like a little puppy but he was all cat.  After all, his name was Puss-in-Boots.  Bet if the Internet had been around way back then in the long-lost and ancient times of my peep's kittenhood, Puss-in-Boots would have had a blog.  Yup, I bet he would, for sure.  And if he had had a blog, maybe he would have bought some shoes from Anonymous Spam.  Or maybe some boots.

But I digress.  Back to the spammer.

Sometimes Mr. Anonymous Spam is tryin' to sell me shoes and sometimes he's tryin' to sell me handbags.  As a MANcat, I don't carry a handbag.  MOUSES!

And if not sellin' shoes or handbags, he's tryin' to sell me on some sort of cheating thing.  Somethin' to do with a video game, I think.  I, Nerissa the Cat, am a respectable cat.  I am not a cheater. No way the spammer is ever gonna sell me on something for cheating.  MOUSES!

When Ol' Spammy-spam-spam is not playin' the shoe salesman or the king of cheats, he's tryin' to sell me pills that no self-respectin' neutered cat is ever gonna need.  Does he not read my blog? Does he not realise that I'm a cat?  Does he not know that I've been neutered?  Again I say... MOUSES!

But yes, apparently Anonymous does read my blog 'cause he's often givin' me advice as to how I should write it.  Sometimes he tells me my blog would be more interesting if there were more pictures or maybe a video.  Other times, he tells me I have too many videos which is interesting 'cause I almost never have videos on my blog.  I'm not sure if I've even had one paw's worth of videos in my two years of blogging.  How can one paw's worth of videos be too many videos?  Besides, everyone loves a good video.  MOUSES!

And ol' Anonymous tells me that I entitle my blog posts extremely poorly.  He thinks a lot more peeps would read my blog if I had better titles.  More interestin' titles.  He's always givin' me advice on writing titles.  I kind of think my titles are okay but maybe they're not.  Maybe they're borin' like the ol' spammer says.  Maybe I should work on writing better titles.  Or maybe not.

Perhaps I should get Mr. Spam to write my titles.  He has, in fact, offered to write my blog!  I had to explain to him that I, Nerissa the Cat, write all my own stuff.  That's kind of why the blog is called Nerissa's Life.  It's the story of MY life. How could someone else possibly write the story of my life? MOUSES!

When the spambigator isn't tellin' me how to improve my blog, he's tellin' me it's great.  Tellin' me he loves my blog and loves my writing.  Wondering how I'm not more famous than I already am.  

And he says that he learns a lot from readin' Nerissa's Life.  He often comments that he was lookin' for more information on the very subjects about which I write.  Apparently, he has been in search of information regarding egg beater-whisk time travelling-teleportation physics but then, hasn't everyone?  MOUSES!

He must have a lot of questions 'bout this science 'cause he's always wantin' to contact me.  Do I have an e-mail address?  Do I have a twitter account?  Am I on Facebook?  Ummm...  yes, yes and yes.  He's always wantin' me to contact him with this information although, if he took a good look at my blog, he'd be able to contact me easily enough.  I'm not sure he's very good at lookin' for stuff, if you know what I mean.

And sometimes...  sometimes Mr. Anonymous Spam leaves me messages in code.  Very exciting. Why, he left a coded message for me just last night.  Yes, sometimes his comments are a jumble of words.  They're all mixed up in weird ways and make absolutely no sense at all as I have not yet managed to decipher the code but I'm workin' on it!  If anyone can figure out this code, it is I.  You can be sure of that, for sure.

But I think the best comment the spammer has ever left on my blog was the one he left about a week ago.  Mr. Anonymous Spam says he accidentally clicked on a box askin' to be notified by e-mail whenever anyone else leaves a comment on that particular post and now, every time someone leaves a comment, he's bein' bombarded with multiple, identical e-mails.  Well, I took a look at the post in question.  It's over a year old and the only person who ever leaves comments on it is - you guessed it - Mr. Anonymous Spam, himself.  So, if there is any truth to his statement at all, I, Nerissa the Cat, have managed to accidentally spam the spammer.  EXCELLENT.  I've gotta do that more often, I should think.

So there you have it.  Mr. Anonymous Spam is spammin' full-out.  There's a tin of Spam stuck somewhere in my computer tryin' to get out or my magnetic personality is acting as a spam-o-magnet.  Either way, I've gotta figure out how to shake the spammer 'cause if I don't, I shall be forced to write yet another blog post about the spamified spambigator, inventin' even more words containin' the letters s, p, a and m and goodness knows, no one really wants that.

What to do...  What to do...   MOUSES!

Sunday 23 March 2014

it's a difference of peeps

Here in Nova Scotia, spring is just around the corner. Actually, I think it might have retreated behind a wall or two 'cause even though yesterday mornin' was quite spring-like, by late afternoon, it was snowin'... again.  MOUSES!

But if we are to assume that the planet will continue to turn on its axis while orbiting the sun, we must also assume that eventually, spring will make an appearance.  And with the arrival of spring, will come soft breezes, gentle rains, pretty flowers and singing birds.  Yes my friends, in due time, all shall appear.

Of course, the other thing that will crop up are the peeps who keep tellin' everyone that cats, when allowed outdoors, kill all the birds.  In fact, rumour has it that these peeps have begun tellin' their tall tales, already.  MOUSES!

We all know how these things start.  Someone with a few letters behind their name or somebody associated with a big-time organisation starts spoutin' off about the cats killin' all the birds and the next thing you know, everyone else is repeatin' what they're sayin'.  They repeat it over and over and over again until they, and everybody else, start believin' it as fact.

But the truth is, just saying somethin' repeatedly can't make somethin' fact.  That somethin' has to actually be factual in the first place in order for it to be fact and that, my friends, is a fact.

Remember all those peeps who kept claiming that the world was flat?  For centuries, everybody said, "the world is flat."  They said it over and over and over again until everyone believed it to be so. But did their sayin' it, make it so?  Ummm...  NO.

Oh sure, there may very well be peeps out there who still believe in the flatness of the Earth.  There are probably peeps out there lookin' for a Flat Earth Society to join at this very moment.  And there are probably peeps still tellin' other peeps that yes, the world is, indeed, flat.  But the fact remains, the Earth is not flat.  No, my friends, the Earth is round.  Now that's a fact.

So just what does all this have to do with cats and birds? I'm gettin' to that.

For starters, this business about the Earth bein' flat should teach us all that we can't believe everything we hear.  There might be a lot of hype about somethin' and there might be a lot of peeps sayin' that that somethin' is true but that doesn't make it fact.  You shouldn't just believe someone 'cause they say they know what they're talkin' about.  You need to actually listen to what they're sayin' and ask yourself, does what they're sayin' make sense?

You need to use your own senses.  You need to use your own powers of observation.  You need to use your own mind.  Don't believe other peeps 'cause everyone else is believein' them.  They might be all wrong.  Just ask the peeps who used to believe that the Earth was flat.

What if Columbus had believed all this flat Earth stuff?  Where would we be then?  Well, for starters, there would be no such thing as Thanksgiving.

Anywho...  back to the birds and the cats.

It has been said, by some, that outdoor kitties are killin' all the birds.  Songbirds, specifically.  I don't think they're talkin' about turkeys and chickens 'cause even they have to admit that it's peeps who do most of the killin' of those birds.  I wonder where pigeons fit in?  Hmmm...

Peeps with letters and whatnot followin' their names have been claiming that cats like me have been systematically decimating the songbird population.  Well I have news for them.  I, Nerissa the Cat, have evidence DISPROVIN' those reports!  I do.  I really, really do.

I live with nine other cats.  Yes, there are ten of us cats livin' at my house and all ten of us are allowed outside in the garden.  We're allowed to go anywhere we like in the garden 'cause...  you know...  it's OUR garden.  During the spring and summer and fall, we all spend a lot of time outside in the garden.  We play out there and nap and have meetings and whatnot.  On particularly nice days, sometimes we only come inside to eat and use the litter box.  On particularly nice days, we can be outside almost all day long.

So here we have a garden and that garden is filled with cats. Do you know what else fills that garden?  BIRDS!  And not just any ol' kind of birds.  SONGBIRDS! Why, we have songbirds up to our ears.  There are all sorts of 'em.  Blue jays, chickadees, waxwings, thrushes, finches...  you name 'em, we've got 'em.  We even have hummers!  There are birds upon birds upon birds!!!

Sometimes, when Peep #1 is outside playin' in the garden part of the garden, she'll stop what she's doin' and just listen.  My peep loves the songs those birds sing.  She simply loves hearin' them sing.  And she's not the only one to have heard birds singing in my garden, either.  Others have commented on it.  Yes, my friends, others have noticed that even though we a house full of cats spendin' time in the garden, the garden is still filled with birds.

If there was any truth - at all - about cats who are allowed outside killing all the birds, how could my garden exist?  Why, it couldn't.  If we cats were killing all the birds, all the birds would be dead.  And if all the birds were dead, they wouldn't be able to sing.  See?  This little theory of those peeps is startin' to unravel like a half-knit sweater carelessly left on the couch next to a curious cat but I digress.  That's an entirely different story.

My point is, CLEARLY, we cats aren't killing all the birds.  But are we killin' some of them, you ask. Would there be even more birds if we weren't allowed outside?  NO.

Peep #1 has told me that when she has been in other peeps' gardens, she has not heard as many birds.  She has told me that she hears far more birds singing in my garden than in many, many others.  Even in gardens where there are birdbaths and feeders and whatnot.  She has also said that she notices a difference when she walks down to get the mail.  There are not nearly as many birds singing at the other end of the subdivision as there are singing in our, very own garden.  You know, the garden with all the cats.

How can this be?  How can there be more songbirds in a garden with ten cats than in other gardens with fewer or, in most cases, no cats?  It doesn't make sense.  At least, it doesn't make sense according to those stupid theories about the cats killin' all the birds.

Personally, I believe it's all in the peeps.  Yes, my friends, it's a difference of peeps.

You see, when my Peep #1 gardens, she does so with birds in mind.  Apparently, most people don't do that.

My peep grows plants that she knows will provide food and shelter for songbirds.  Mankind continues, on a daily basis, to destroy the habitats of songbirds, leaving them with nowhere to nest and no food to eat.  And the little food that is left, they poison with pesticides and herbicides.  If those poisons don't kill the birds directly, they do so, indirectly.  Many songbirds need insects to eat.  When peeps kill all the insects with poisons, the insect-eating songbirds end up starving to death.

And what about the bees?  Something is killing the bees and you can bet your last loonie there's no way to blame cats for that one although, I am sure there are some peeps out there who are willin' to try.  But no, it is far more likely that the bees are dyin' because of somethin' peeps have done.  Not my peeps.  Other peeps.  If you're gonna blame peeps or cats on this one, you've gotta go with the peeps.

What about the birds who eat berries?  Those berries are pollinated by bees.  If the bees die, they can't pollinate the flowers that produce the berries and the songbirds will, again, all starve to death. Many seed-bearing plants are pollinated by bees, too.  Another food source gone as well. MOUSES!

We have a garden filled with birds 'cause my peep grows things like multiflora roses and crab apples and Russian olives, all of which provide berries for birds to eat throughout the winter.  We have a garden filled with birds 'cause my peep grows flowers that produce lots of seeds that provide food for birds in the summer and fall.  We have a garden filled with birds 'cause my peep grows nectar-rich plants like honeysuckle and fuchsias for the hummers.  We have a garden filled with birds 'cause my peep grows pollen-rich plants and trees to feed the bees who then pollinate the plants that will eventually feed the birds.  We have a garden filled with birds 'cause my peep only gardens organically.  She never uses any kind of chemical that could harm the birds or the bees and the birds, in turn, take care of any insects that might bother the plants.  We have a garden filled with birds 'cause my peep did not cut down all the tall trees so there are places for the birds to nest and find shelter.  We have a garden filled with birds 'cause my peep has provided them with a haven, safe from mankind.  Safe from the peeps out there who are REALLY doin' all the killin'.

So you see?  It really is a difference of peeps.  Nothin' to do with cats, at all.  It can't be the cats. When you think about it, it doesn't make sense that it's the cats.  If the stories were true, we cats would have killed all those birds in nothin' flat.  We're all quite skilled with wand toys and nip mice, you know.  Our garden simply cannot exist, according to all those stupid theories about cats killing all the birds.  It just couldn't.  AND YET IT DOES.

I will admit, there have been some fatalities.  In a good year, we catch one or two birds.  Very occasionally, three.  That's three birds, tops, in a whole year for all ten of us.  Not three each.  Three in total.  That means, in a good year, I'm responsible for the death of just under one-third of a bird. Hmmm...  I'm thinkin' there are a lot of peeps out there responsible for killing a lot more songbirds than that.  Of course, that's just my theory.  But the stuff about my garden bein' filled with birds and cats?  THAT'S A FACT. MOUSES!

Wednesday 19 March 2014

we have more bling!

My gosh, it's that time again.  It's that time to accept a few more awards.   Oohhh... and what beautiful awards they are. Hmmm...  where shall we begin?

I know!  We shall begin with the Canadian Blog Awards. Perhaps you have heard of them?  Of course you have.  Silly me.

Anywho...  to be eligible for a Canadian Blog Award, the blogger writin' the blog must be a Canadian, like me.  One does not have to be peep.  After all, I'm a cat and I was eligible but one must absolutely be Canadian.

Once a blog is nominated, cats and peeps from all over the world can vote and have their say.  I was incredibly honoured to have been nominated in three categories for the 2013 awards:  Best Funny Blog, Best Blog Post and Best Pet Blog.  Honoured and absolutely thrilled.

During the month of February, voting was fast and furious and before I knew it, the results were in.  I, Nerissa the Cat, had managed to win four awards!  That's right...  FOUR OF 'EM!  Ooohhhh... happy days, for sure.

I am absolutely thrilled to now officially accept my TWO FIRST and TWO SECOND place awards.  I wish to thank all my readers out there who voted for me.  I wish to thank you very much.  Without you, this would never have happened and truly, that is fact.

It is with great honour that I accept GOLD for Best Funny Blog. Nerissa's Life isn't always funny.  It's isn't always supposed to be funny but when it is, I do endeavour to make you all laugh as much as I possibly can.  Thank you!

And I am ecstatic to accept both GOLD and SILVER for Best Blog Post.  My post pointing out what should be obvious, "where there's fire, there is smoke" won gold and my post about Earl Grey runnin' for Premier, "because neglect STILL isn't workin'!" won silver.  I am so very, very pleased about these two posts gettin' so much attention. They both tackled what I believe to be some pretty important issues and I'm simply chuffed that cats and peeps out there read and enjoyed 'em.

Finally, I am ever to happy to accept SILVER for Best Pet Blog.  There were a lot of nominees in this event, many of whom were my pals.  I can still hardly believe I managed to make it into the top three.

So again, I wish to thank everyone for votin' for me in the Canadian Blog Awards.  I owe you all so much.  I also want to thank Toronto Corporate Lawyer, Jonathan Kleiman, for organising these wonderful awards.  Without his organisational skills, there would be no awards to win.  Thank you Mr. Kleiman!

And now...  onto some awards I can share.

Patchy Meow from the incredible blog, Catnip Corner has created a brand new award, celebrating her two-year blogoversary.  A two-year blogoversary is a very special thing and a super good reason to celebrate.  CONGRATULATIONS PATCHY!

Patchy's new award is called the Keep Calm and Blog Award and is incredibly stylish and elegant.  You can imagine how pleased I was to find out that I was to be one of the very first recipients.  I love it.  Yoo-hoo!  YOO-HOO!  What a beaut.  Thank so so much, Patchy!  I really appreciate receiving this, a lot.

The rules are pretty simple.  Just post the award on your blog along with a link to the blogger who gave it to you and then pass the award on to one other blog.  Only one.  That's the hardest part, for sure. With so many amazing bloggers out there, how does one choose only one?   MOUSES!

But finally, I was able to select a single recipient for the Keep Calm and Blog Award.  As I could pass it along to only one blogger, I chose to award the Keep Calm and Blog Award to my dear friend, Mario of Mario's Meowsings.

Why Mario, you ask?  Well, for starters, Mario has an incredible blog. I absolutely love it.  But also, Mario will forever hold a special place in my heart when it comes to awards 'cause it was Mario who gave me my very first award, way back when.  I still remember it well as it was the beginning of my addiction to the bling. CONGRATULATIONS Mario!

Next on the list is the Field of Flowers Award.  Isn't it beautiful?  Beverly from over at MoggiePurrs gave me this award and it's quite a stunner.  Thank you so much for this award, Beverly.  It's one of the prettiest awards in the blogosphere, I do believe.

Boy-oh-boy...  I sure would love to run through that field of flowers.  Clearly, my peep has been slackin' in the gardening department.  She has NEVER grown anything as beautiful as this. MOUSES!

The rules for the Field of Flowers Award are as follows.  One must thank the blogger who nominated you and then place the award on your blog.  Next, you get to nominate seven other bloggers and write a little something as to why you are giving these specific bloggers a field of flowers.  Finally, you'll want to notify the nominees that they have been nominated.

I'm just gonna cheat just a teeny-tiny bit, here.  That okay?  The thing is, all the blogs I'm nominating, I'm nominating for the very same reason.  I've chosen seven blogs that I simply adore visitin' because doing so always brings a smile to my face.  There's always something new to learn or some fun to be had on these wonderful blogs.  I can always count on 'em for that.  So, instead of repeating that over and over again, I'll just put it all in one place, right here.  Sure do hope no one minds.

So without any further ado.  Drum roll please...  My nominees for the Field of Flowers Award are....

- The Kitties Blue at The Cat on My Head
- Austin at CATachresis
- Spitty at Spitty Speaks
- Sushi at Sushi's Diary
- Cocco & Katie at My Mini Pet Pig
- Brian at Brian's Home

Some of you may already have this award and I certainly understand if you don't want to pass it on again but I figure...  I figure one can never have too many flowers.

Now who would like some snacks?  I'm always in the mood for snacks and no, I do not have worms.  I just like my snacks.  Let's all go on picnic!

I was honoured by both Nellie from The Cat from Hell and Katie from Katie Isabella when they each gave me the Sunshine Picnic Award and invited me to their picnics.  Now I'm gonna have one of my own.  Yoo-hoo!  YOO-HOO!

The rules for the Sunshine Picnic Award are super simple. You just thank the blogger who invited you to their picnic and then invite them to yours as the guest of honour along with ten other guests, askin' each of 'em to bring along something for the celebration.

Let's see...  who shall I invite...

The latest winners of the Sunshine Picnic Award and guests at my picnic are...
- Nellie at The Cat from Hell
  No need to bring anything, Nellie.  You are a guest of
  honour.
- Katie at Katie Isabella
  No need to bring anything, Katie.  You are a guest of honour.
- Sammy at onespoiledcat
  Could you please bring some bacon?  Surely you have some on paw.
- Speedy from Speedy the Cheeky House Bunny
  Can you bring some lettuce and carrots?  Gotta have some salad stuff.
- Texas at Texas, a Cat in New York
  Pizza!  Please bring some New York style pizza.
- Patchy at Catnip Corner
  Cheese, please.  Some nice tasty stuff if you can get your paws on it.
- Mister Minoune at Mister Minoune's Blog
  Bagels, please.  I have heard there are excellent bagels available in Montreal
- Autstin at CATachresis
  Bangers and mash.  Can you find some of that?
- Herman at It's a Wonderpurr Life
  Seafood.  They have great seafood where you live, right?
- Loupi & Zorro at The Swiss Cats
  Chocolate.  Swiss chocolate would be excellent.
- Silver from DashKitten
  I know that your mum is kind of busy at the mo so you just bring yourself, okay?
- Savvy from Savannah's Paw Tracks
  Can you please bring some flowers for the table?  Oohhh...  are there any plumeria about?

Finally, we have this wonderful award/badge called I Survived the Polar Vortex.  The gang over at The Cat on My Head created this badge to celebrate the fact that we all survived this horribly, bitterly cold winter.  It's a lovely award, don't you agree?  Thanks so much, Kitties Blue, for doing this for all of us.  Thank you very much, indeed.

Anywho...  Rules are super simple.  The I Survived the Polar Vortex Award/Badge is for anyone to accept. Anyone and everyone.  All you need do is post it on your blog and when doing so, mention that it originated over on the blog, The Cat on My Head.  Easy peasy as they say.  Easy peasy.

So, another round of awards has been done.  Whew!  There were a lot of links in this post.  Peep #1 helped me with 'em so if there are any mistakes, they're hers.  I don't think she did make any mistakes but just in case, you'll know who to blame.  Hehehe...

CONGRATULATIONS to all the recipients!  You all write amazin' blogs and that is a fact, for sure.

And thank you all for thinkin' of me when handin' out awards.  I do love the bling.  That, too, is a fact, for sure.

Oohhh...  Just have to mention - you know, to make everything all legal and whatnot - that I received NOTHIN' from that Toronto Corporate Lawyer in return for my mentioning his name.  I just wanted to thank him for all the time and effort he put in when organising the Canadian Blog Awards.  I really thought that somethin' needed to be said 'bout that 'cause I know it took up a lot of his time.  May the purrs be with him, always.  Purrs.

Sunday 16 March 2014

Seville's four-leaved clovers


Nissy softly padded into the kitchen, only to find his brother Seville up on the table, surrounded by a mess of glue, paint, workbooks and other assorted paraphernalia. "Whatcha up to there, Sivvers?" he asked.

"Oh, just super gluing some clovers together."

Only half-listening to his brother, Nissy continued over to the fridge and poured himself a cold mug of nip beer.  "Uh-huh...  I see. WAIT A MINUTE," and he stopped in his tracks.  "Did you say you were super gluing clovers together?"

"Yup.  Not working out all that well, though.  They keep fallin' apart.  Plus, I think I accidentally super glued some stuff together I didn't actually mean to super glue together.  FYI, don't sit in that chair over there," and Seville pointed to one of the kitchen chairs with his tail.  "And I wouldn't jump onto the stool, either."

"MOUSES!  Why on earth are you super gluing together clovers?" Nissy questioned.

"Well, I tried hot gluing them together but the glue kept melting the leaves," answered Seville.

Nissy shook his head furiously.  "Not what I meant, Sivvers.  Perhaps I didn't word that well.  I wanted to ask, why on earth are you workin' with the clovers in the first place?"

"Peep #1 said she'd really like to find a four-leaved clover 'cause they're supposed to be lucky and I thought I would give her one for St. Patrick's Day, tomorrow."

"Hmmm..." Nissy pondered.  "I think they're only lucky if they grow that way naturally.  I'm not sure that the luck sticks if they're glued together."  He picked up one of Seville's supposed four-leaved clovers and a leaf fell off.  "Apparently your glue isn't stickin', either.  I thought super glue stuck to everything.  That's why Ol' Peepers is always tellin' us cats to keep away from it.  You know...  in case it sticks to our fur."

"Oh, it sticks to fur, all right," confirmed Seville.  "I now have a green permanent marker permanently stuck to my...  my...  my ummm...."

Nerissa noticed the marker and exclaimed, "You sat on it?"

"Yeah...  I spilled some glue on the marker and the rest is history."

"MOUSES!  Seville, Ol' Peepers is gonna be furious when she sees this mess."  Nerissa took a sip of his nip beer.  "And may I ask why there's an open time vortex in our kitchen?  You been messin' with whisks again?"

Seville glanced over at the vortex.  "Oh...  that.  I needed some clovers for my work and, in case you hadn't noticed, there's still snow on the ground outside.  Needed to make a quick trip to July to pick up a supply of the stuff."

"Makes sense, I suppose," and Nissy nodded in agreement.  "But how come the vortex is still open?"

"I might have accidentally glued it open.  I didn't realise I had spilled super glue on that whisk..." and Seville looked away, somewhat shamefully. "Not quite sure how to fix that yet."

"MOUSES!" Nissy cried.  "The peep is gonna explode when she finds out we've got a permanently open time vortex in the kitchen.  You're gonna have to find a way to close that before she sees it."

"I was sort of hoping she wouldn't notice," explained Seville.  "And if I can just get these clover leaves to stick together, maybe even if she does notice, she'll be so happy about the lucky clovers that she won't freak out too much about the vortex."

"I've got a better idea, Sivvers.  Why don't we just teleport on over to the Emerald Isle..."

"And run away before the peep finds out about the permanently open time vortex in the kitchen?" Seville interrupted.

"No," and Nissy looked pointedly at his brother.  "I was gonna suggest that we teleport on over and grab some REAL four-leaved clovers.  Ones that might actually be lucky.  I've heard that leprechauns grow them by the millions.  Shouldn't be too difficult to find a few there."

"I don't know," Seville hesitated.  "The peep said we weren't to do any more teleporting after the trouble we caused in Ottawa at the Worldwide Weather Offices, Forecasting and Control, Canadian Division."

"Seville, you've permanently glued open a time vortex in our kitchen!" and Nissy slapped a paw on the table.  "A little teleporting is nothin' compared to that.  Trust me.  SIVVERS, PREPARE THE TELEPORTATION DEVICE."

Moments later, the two cats were hurtling through space and time on their way to a heavily leprechaun-infested area of Ireland.  Thinking ahead, Nissy grabbed some gold coins to cover any tariffs the leprechauns might demand as he was well aware that leprechauns are notoriously anti free trade.

After a surprisingly smooth landing, Nissy and Seville hopped out of the frying pan teleporter and onto a lawn of lush green grass.  Seville nosed about in the grass hoping to find a clover or two but, unfortunately, he found nothing but grass.  Nerissa grabbed a paw full of the stuff and started chewing. "That last mug of nip beer gave me the munchies," he explained to his brother.

"Where do we find the clover?" Seville asked.

"Let's ask around in that pub over there," suggested Nissy.  "Someone is bound to know about the clover farms, there."

The two cats approached the pub with trepidation.  Talking about leprechauns was one thing. Talking about meeting leprechauns was another.  Actually meeting a leprechaun was something neither Nissy nor Seville had ever done before and the thought was making the pads of Nissy's paws sweat.

The pub door closed behind them.  "Perfectly normal pub," Nissy muttered sarcastically.  He glanced around, seeing groups of leprechauns gathered here and there, sipping beer and doing jigs.

A fairy darted past Nissy's head, sprinkling fairy dust over him.  "Hey!  Watch it with that stuff," and Nissy shook himself violently while Seville took a swipe at the fairy, narrowly missing a wing. "Don't annoy the fairies, Sivvers," Nerissa told his brother.  "Not a good idea."

Nerissa boldly walked up to the bar and ordered two nip beers.  Paying for the beer with a gold coin, he asked in a low voice, "We're looking for four-leaved clovers.  Anyone here who might be able to help us out?"

The fairy was back, hovering by Nissy's ear.  "I can take you to a clover farm, if you like.  But you'll have to tell the orange cat to keep his claws to himself."

"Deal!" squealed Nissy with delight. "Hear that, Sivvers?  We'll get you those clovers in no time."  Turning back to the fairy, Nissy quickly explained the situation and why the cats were in dire need of the four-leaved clovers.

Suddenly and out of nowhere, a vortex of some sort opened in the corner of the room.  "The clover field managed my Sean and Seamus O'Reilly is on the other side," explained the fairy.  "Follow me."

"How did you do that?" asked Nissy, suspiciously.  "How did you open a vortex without an egg beater or whisk in sight?"

"They use magic," hissed a nearby leprechaun.  "Don't question their means.  Just do what she says and you'll be fine."

Nissy briefly wondered if the vortex was some sort of trick but desperate times called for desperate measures and the cats were pretty desperate for a paw full of four-leaved clovers.  He watched the fairy disappear into the vortex, grabbed Seville by the tail and together, they followed her through.

The other side of the vortex proved to be a beautiful, sunny lawn.  Small white, daisy-like flowers were growing here and there and although quite pretty, there wasn't a farm in sight.  Nissy questioned the fairy about the clover farm.

"Take a closer look at the grass," the fairy suggested.  "You'll find what you're looking for, there."

The boys nosed about in the grass and, sure enough, there were clovers everywhere.  The lawn was the farm, Nissy realised and what a clover farm it was.  A very high percentage of the clovers growing there were of the four-leaved variety.

"Fill your boots!" Nissy exclaimed to his brother.  "Start pickin' clover."

"But I don't have any boots," Seville sadly replied.  "I never wear the things."

"It's just an expression, Sivvers.  Oohhh...  but you can fill that hat with clover.  Just pick the four-leaved ones and put 'em in your hat for transport.  You start picking and I'll go make a deal with those two approaching leprechauns.  They must be the O'Reilly brothers."

Nissy worked out a deal to trade the gold coins he and Seville had brought with them for two hats worth of four-leaved clovers.  The fairy acted as a witness to the deal, making sure everything was in order.  Nerissa headed back to Seville and grabbed a paw full of grass to munch upon while his brother finished collecting the required clovers.

"Isn't this a whole lot easier than workin' with super glue?" Nissy asked Seville.

"Much easier," Seville answered with a smile.  "Especially for you," and he looked over at Nerissa preparing to take a nap on the sunny lawn while he continued searching for clovers sporting four leaves.

A short while later, the boys had all the four-leaved clovers they could possibly want and the fairy offered to escort them back through the vortex so that they could retrieve their teleportation device and return home.  They left Sean and Seamus behind, happily dancing jigs and counting gold coins.

"Never caught your name," Nissy said to the fairy.  "What did you say it was?"

"I didn't," replied the fairy with a smile.  "A fairy very rarely reveals her name," and with that, she disappeared, leaving behind a cloud of sparkling dust.

"MOUSES!" Nissy cried.  "She's gone and I was just about to ask her if she knew how to close that open time vortex in our kitchen.  Oh well, you'll have to figure out that one, Sivvers, but I'll help you clean up the mess with the glue when we get back home."

"Thanks, Nissy.  I'd appreciate that. Maybe you can help me get rid of this marker glued to my butt, too.  I just know the peep is gonna notice that and know I was workin' with super glue."

"That one is on you, Sivvers...   literally.  But I will help you clean up the rest of the mess.  Consider it my St. Patrick's Day gift to you."

The two cats climbed back into their teleportation device for the trip home and as they soared over the Emerald Isle they cried out, "HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!" to everyone in sight.

Wednesday 12 March 2014

our conclusion and a new beginning

Previously on Savannah's Paw Tracks... then a sudden vacuum of air and Savannah can hardly catch her breath…everything blurs…%$##ZAP*&%$##…Savannah feels someone snatch her up by her scruff and then…

"INCOMING!" Nissy hollered as he grabbed his pal, Savvy, by the scruff of her neck and hauled her up and into his frying pan teleportation device.

"Hold on Savvy.  HOLD ON.  CAN'T STOP.  BRAKES HAVE FAILED!"

Nissy quickly veered westward and the two cats tumbled through the space-time continuum on their way to meet with Silver in New Zealand.  "Turbulence ahead.  Hang on to the handle of the fryin' pan, Savvy!  HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE!  HANG ON FOR ALL NINE OF 'EM!"

"YOOWWWW!" yelled Savannah in response.  "What the mouses are you up to, Nissy?"  The turbulence eased and Savvy glared at her friend.  "You were supposed to meet me at my house and we were going to teleport to Silver's by tunnel."

"Couldn't be helped, Savvy.  Lost part of an egg beater somewhere over Ohio."  Nissy fiddled with some dials.  "Yup, just as I thought," and he tossed part of another eggbeater overboard.  "This will work.  I'll cut power somewhere over the Pacific and we'll coast the rest of the way to New Zealand." He pointed to the grocery bag nestled in a corner of the frying pan.  "Help yourself to some snacks."

Savannah tore open a bag of temptations, ignoring the fruit and other unsuitable foodstuffs lying before her.  Nissy had clearly relied upon one of his peeps to pack his snacks.

"Buckle up, Savvy," began Nissy.  "We're comin' in for a landing, now," and the two cats gently drifted onto a prettily manicured lawn somewhere in New Zealand.

"You're here!" cried Silver as he ran out to greet his friends.  "How wonderful!"  Silver looked warily at the frying pan with half an egg beater sticking out of it.  "Rough trip?"

"You don't know the half of it," stated Savvy as she jumped out and onto the grass.  "Nissy, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.  I DON'T TRUST THAT EGG BEATER TELEPORTATION TECHNOLOGY OF YOURS."

"It got you here," Nissy shrugged, "and you appear to be all in one piece.  Attitude and everything."

"I do not have attitude," said Savvy, pursing her lips.  "I just don't trust those flying frying pans you and your brother build.  Especially when Seville has been known to use refurbished beaters."

"State of the art egg beater technology, this is," and Nissy slapped a paw against the teleportation device.  The three cats watched in silence as the rest of the remaining egg beater fell to the ground and landed with a loud thud.

"Anywho..." and Nissy quickly ushered Savvy and Silver toward the house and garage and away from his teleportation device.  "Silver!  You found Dash's workshop, you say.  So exciting.  Show us the way."

"Shouldn't we park your um...   frying pan thing somewhere out of sight?" asked Silver.  "You know, to keep it safe?"

Nissy looked back over his shoulder.  "Yeah...  I don't think it's goin' anywhere anytime soon. MOUSES!"

Silver led Savvy and Nissy through the garage and into the massive library.  The two newcomers peered around with astonishment.  What a collection of information Dash had amassed.  No wonder he had known so much about so many things.  They then entered the inner sanctum... Dash's workshop.  Silver pointed out the various projects Dash had been working on, including the half-built contraption that looked like some sort of vehicle.  "Do you think it's a new kind of teleportation device?" asked Silver.

Nissy walked around it, getting a good look from all angles. "No, not for teleportation.  Don't see any egg beaters."

"You and your brother are the only ones who teleport with egg beaters, Nissy!" exclaimed Savvy.  She gave the device the once over, herself, sliding underneath it on her back. Moments later, she appeared with a huge grin on her face. "There are tanks under there for an air supply.  I think Dash was building a submarine of some sort."

The three cats stared at one another in silence.  They then stared at the sub in awe and then back at each other.

Silver reached into a nearby cabinet drawer, pulling out the note Dash had left about a pink phone. "Do either of you know anything about this?"

"Dash was makin' notes about the phone we found on our last adventure, huh?"  Nissy held the pink cell phone out for the others to see.  "This is the phone in question.  Appears normal enough except there was a message about the Necata canipbis left on it and no one but us knew about that nip. Oh, and the chip inside it is made from something I've never seen before.  It contains an element heavier than anything known to cat.  Seville ran some tests but so far, he has found nothing conclusive."

"But how can it contain an element not yet known to cat?" asked Savvy.

"Nuclear reactions can produce new, heavy elements.  Is it stable?"  Nissy and Savvy dropped their jaws and stared at Silver.  "What?  I read things," explained Silver.  "I've never read anything about that, though.  Being here in Dash's workshop...   I feel a real connection to him and his work.  I must have once heard him muttering about heavy elements or something."

"Look at this," and Savvy pointed to what looked like a pocket inside the sub.  "What do you suppose this is?"

Silver gently pawed at the pocket.  "Nissy, let me see that phone," and he pushed the pink cell phone inside.  It fit, perfectly.

A gentle whirring sound began, quietly at first but with each passing moment, it slowly grew louder and louder.  A few lights within the vehicle began to flicker.  The submarine was coming to life.

Nissy noticed that Savvy had with her the stainless steel whisk they had found alongside the cell phone on their last adventure.  Snatching it away, he began looking for someplace in the sub where it might fit.  Finding a round hole in what appeared to be the sub's dashboard, he inserted the whisk.

As if by magic, the submarine rose several inches from the floor.  The whirring sound was quite loud by this time and lights were flashing off and on.

Savvy pushed past Nissy and grabbed hold of the whisk, yanking it out of the dash.  "Are you nuts? You can't just go sticking whisks into things and crossing your paws for the best.  You could have transported us all to a different time!" she cried before yanking the cell phone out of the pocket where Silver had inserted it.

The submarine dropped to the floor with a thump.  The lights flickered out.  The whirring noises ceased.

"Whew!" breathed Savvy, wiping her brow.  "Close call."

Silver turned towards the others, grinning from ear to ear.  "With your expertise, we can finish Dash's work.  I know we can.  Those are seats over there," and he pointed to the pink leather seats ready for installation, "and I'm sure everything else we need to complete the sub is somewhere in this workshop.  What do you think?"

Nissy and Savvy looked at one another, huge smiles forming on their faces, too.  "Of course we can!" they cried in unison.

"But where will we go?" queried Savvy.  "Why did Dash think we needed a submarine?"

Silver pulled out the little box he had found a few days earlier.  "I wasn't going to show you this just yet.  Not until I understood its significance.  Also, Dash left a note on it saying to keep it away from Nissy."  He opened the box and the aroma of Necata canipbis filled the room.

"MOUSES!" Savvy cried.

Nissy was over at the box in a flash.  He breathed in deeply before slamming it shut.  "Best you hold onto that for a bit, Silver.  That's the long-lost, thought-to-be-extinct species of Necata canipbis." Nissy sniffed the air, catching remnants of the nip's aroma here and there.

"I think it's safe to assume that Dash was hot on the trail of the nip.  We've just gotta figure out where that trail led. Must have led somewhere with water, I should think," glancing over at the sub. "But in the meantime...  we've got some building to do.  Savvy, where should we start?"

"We should start by installing these gorgeous pink leather seats," determined Savvy.  "They're the perfect colour for a cat like me.  Nissy... Silver...  help me get these into the sub," and the three cats began to work on finishing Dash's cat-sized submarine.

Sunday 9 March 2014

ummm... does he teleport?

I had big plans for today's post.  BIG plans.  HUGE plans, in fact.  But my plans were thwarted by my inability to find the necessary information. MOUSES!

I dug around the Internet until the pads of paws were raw.  That's right.  I dug and I dug and I dug but found nothin'...  I repeat, NOTHIN' for which I was lookin'. Again I say...  MOUSES!

So I sat back on my haunches and thought for a bit.  Hmmm...  "I know!" cried I.  "Let me see..."  A little digging later and  I had my post.

Have you ever heard of the Rick Mercer Report?  It's an excellent show, for sure.  Anywho...  not that long ago, Mr. Mercer was talkin' about the travel expenses of the Right Honourable Stephen Harper...  Canada's Prime Minister.  I clearly remember bein' on the couch next to Peep #1 and gettin' my tummy rubbed while hearin' this Mercer dude talk about the numbers in certain expense reports.  To be honest, I'm not sure how current the reports were.  The show might have been a repeat or somethin' but nevertheless, IT WAS A LEAD!

As you know, as a cat, I am an expert digger.  I dig in the litter box every day.  Usually, multiple times.  In the summer, I sometimes dig in the garden, too.  Yes, my friends, the diggin' of dirt is a skill I have mastered over and over and over again.  Didn't take me long to find those travel expense reports at all.*

Anywho...  I discovered a very interestin' fact about our Prime Minister.  Accordin' to his travel and hospitality expense reports,** Stephen Harper is able to travel all over the world, really cheaply.  And when I say cheep, I mean CHEAP.  He managed to travel to Canada's west coast, east coast, the northern territories and even take a little jaunt over to Saint Petersburg, Russia for just over thirty-five hundred dollars.  And that's not thirty-five hundred dollars for each trip.  I'm talkin' thirty-five hundred dollars, total.  Actually, it was less than three thousand 'cause almost six hundred dollars of that was for his wife to travel to Calgary with him and there were a couple ninety dollar visas thrown in there.  He sure must have one super-duper travel agent.  MOUSES!

I don't know anyone who can take a trip to Russia for ninety dollars but our Prime Minister did. Oddly enough, that ninety dollar price tag is the very same amount as what those visas to Peru and Malaysia cost but the expense report doesn't say anything about a visa for Russia.  It specifically says, that he "travels to Saint Petersburg, Russia, for the G20 Summit."**  Travels to...  visa... not the same thing.  MOUSES!

I poured over and over and over the expense report and one single question kept poppin' into my mind.  You see, the answer to this question of mine could possibly make everything I was reading, make sense.  It's the only thing that could.  Finally I stopped asking myself, and just asked it out loud, "Ummm...  does he teleport?"  It was the only workin' theory I had.

Teleportation is relatively cheap.  For the price of a frying pan and some egg beaters, you can pretty much teleport anywhere.  Personally, I do it all the time.

The thing is, to my knowledge, the Canadian government does not yet have access to egg beater teleportation technology.  My brother Seville and I are the leading experts in the field and neither one of us has ever been consulted by anyone in Ottawa.  MOUSES!

Of course, one must also account for the cost of snacks.  I have learned from past teleportation experiences that one should always teleport with snacks.  Apparently, however, the Prime Minister has not yet learned about the necessity of snacking while teleporting because in his travel and hospitality expenses report, there were no reported snacks.  Again I say...  MOUSES!

On the other paw, in 2013 the Prime Minister's Office racked up an almost twenty-five thousand dollar bill for...  ummm...  snacks.***  Okay, there were some lunch meetings in there.  Quite a few lunches, in fact.  But there was also an awful lot spent on coffee, tea and soft drinks.  In other words, snacks.  Not a single mention of the nip, though.  Don't know how they survived without it. That would not be an office for me.

The Prime Minister's Office also filed an 2013 expense report for other expenses while takin' trips.****  Just over thirteen thousand was spent on rentin' buses and visas for staff and whatnot.  I'm not sure why buses were rented.  Don't know why they didn't all teleport with the PM.  Maybe they didn't have enough fryin' pans...

While diggin' around in those reports, I found a few...  shall we say...  discrepancies.  For example, in June of 2013, just over fifty-seven hundred dollars was spent so that MP David Tilson could accompany the Prime Minister to the United Kingdom and France.****  What was odd about this expense?  Well, the report specifically said that David Tilson was accompanying the Prime Minister but in the Prime Minister's travel expense report,* there were no recorded expenses for that trip.  Stephen Harper had no travel expenses for the month of June at all.  Clearly, he is usin' egg beater teleportation technology.  It's the only way to explain a cost-free trip to Europe.

But because of this discrepancy, I started diggin' for more. Completely at random, I chose the travel and hospitality expenses report of the then Executive Assistant to the Prime Minister, Jeremy Hunt.*****  In eight months, Mr. Hunt racked up almost seven thousand dollars worth of travel expenses along with another thousand or so for those ever-so-useful snacks.

I wasn't all that interested in the actual cost of the trips.  Or of the snacks.  I was far more interested in the number of trips Mr. Hunt took with the Prime Minister that the Prime Minister apparently didn't take.  From January to August of 2013, inclusive, Jeremy Hunt logged expenses for seventeen trips in which he travelled with the Prime Minister however, during that very same time period, the Prime Minister claimed travel expenses for only six trips.  MOUSES!

Either he was with the Prime Minister or he wasn't with the Prime Minister.  Both reports cannot be entirely factual.  Somethin' has been added or somethin' is missin' but most definitely, somethin' is wrong!

I went back to that June trip to the United Kingdom and France.  Sure enough, Jeremy Hunt claimed just over five hundred dollars.  I know...  the five hundred dollar amount isn't realistic for traditional travel but is actually somewhat overpriced if using egg beater teleporation technology but I digress. The amount doesn't matter.  What matters is that Jeremy Hunt claims to have travelled with the Prime Minister.  The Prime Minister's Office also, during that exact same time frame, shows expenses for MP David Tilson to travel with the Prime Minister.  But the Prime Minister's report shows no record of expenses at all.  Again I say...  MOUSES!

If peeps out there are travelin' with the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister should have expenses for that travelin'.

Now to be fair, there is a disclaimer on all of these expense reports.  It says that stuff that would be withheld under the Access to Information or Privacy Acts doesn't appear on 'em.  Perhaps those trips the Prime Minister took were top secret or somethin' and that information couldn't be released. On the other paw, if that was the case, the peeps travelin' with him shouldn't have gone and told everybody that they had been travelling with him.  Know what I mean?

But back to the discrepancies.  On those reports, some of the dates are kind of screwy.  For example, the Prime Minister travelled to Toronto for a government event on March 28th.*  Jeremy Hunt accompanied the Prime Minister to Toronto on March 24th and 25th.*****  Hmmm...  they both took a government aircraft.  Mr. Hunt's report says he accompanied the PM so surely it was the same government aircraft.  After all, that's kind of what accompanying means.  It looks to me like there's a discrepancy in the dates.  MOUSES!

The only explanation I have for these discrepancies with the dates is that someone has been messin' with whisks and the element of time travel has been added into the mix.  Perhaps the front end of the government aircraft arrived in Toronto three days earlier than the back end?  Whisks could do that.  It would explain a lot.  It could, in fact, explain it all.


Well, my friends...  I've done the math and the math has done me in.  It's not makin' a lot of sense to me.  Maybe some of you can make it make sense?  Maybe the Prime Minister's Office can make it all make sense.  I don't know. What I do know is that the more I dig through the numbers, the more likely it appears that our elected officials here in Canada are usin' egg beater-whisk time travelling-teleportation technology.  You just know you wanna agree.


*  Government of Canada Disclosure Travel and Hospitality Expenses Reports
**  Prime Minister of Canada's 2013 Travel and Hospitality Expenses Report
*** Prime Minister's Office 2013 Other Expenses
**** Prime Minister's Office 2013 Other Expenses During Trips
***** Executive Assistant to PM's 2013 Travel and Hospitality Expenses Report

Wednesday 5 March 2014

the plantin' of primroses

You know...  Peep #1 grows primroses like I build teleportation devices.

Whenever I see Ol' Peepers goin' through the house, scrounging around, gathering up things you normally wouldn't gather up together, I know she's up to somethin'.  Up to somethin' like plantin' primroses.  Not that long ago, I witnessed just such an event.

Ol' Peepers was diggin' in the kitchen drawers and cupboards lookin' for scissors and plastic wrap.  Then she found some black electrical tape and a marker in the basement.  When I saw her bringin' empty old coffee tins in from the garage, I figured she was up to no good.  When I saw her with a hammer and a nail, I knew she was up to no good.  Once I saw the plant tags, watering can and potting mix, I knew she was plannin' on making a mess.  The evidence was all there.  One plant-related mess was on its way, for sure.

The peep is really good at making messes.  She does it quite often and you know what they say. They say, practise makes perfect.  Well the peep has had a lot of practise with makin' messes so she makes them really well.

As I watched Ol' Peepers with her plastic wrap and electrical tape, I realised she was just an eggbeater and frying pan short of a teleportation device.   Throw in a whisk and she might manage a time machine.

It's at times like this when I realise that the peep isn't nearly as dense as she appears.  She actually has the makings of a fairly decent engineer in her.  Not quite there, though.  She has no grasp of the math required to fully understand the physics of egg beater-whisk time travelling-teleportation physics.  Complicated math like that really is best left up to us cats.  We understand it, instinctively.

Anywho...  you're probably all wonderin' what plastic wrap has to do with primroses.  Let me explain.

Every winter, the peep does the same thing.  When it's cold and snowy outside, she plants primrose seeds for my primrose garden.  I really do appreciate her planting the primroses 'cause, to be honest, I look really good posin' among them when they bloom.  They just sort of suit me or somethin'.

The first part of plantin' primroses is the noisiest part.  With the hammer and nail, she makes holes in the bottoms of all the coffee tins.  I am told that due to an impending shortage of coffee tins, this part of the process may no longer be needed.  Apparently, the kind of coffee she used to buy switched from bein' packaged in tins to bein' packaged in little bags.  Since the only reason she liked that particular brand of coffee was to gain access to the tins, she switched brands.  Alas, this new brand is also packaged in bags.

I can't imagine switchin' from my favourite brand of food just because of a change in packaging.  As long as the food inside is the same, I would be fine with it.  Peep #1 had better not get any ideas about switching my food so as to give her access to tins for the plantin' of primroses.  I like the primroses and all but I don't like them well enough to interfere with my meals.  Doin' something like that would be crazy.  Crazier than a squirrel makin' nut pies kind of crazy.  The peep had better come up with a new tin acquisition plan right away and that plan had better not have anythin' to do with the enjoyment of my meals, if you know what I mean.

But I digress.  Back to the peep's plantin'.

After she makes the holes in the the coffee tins, Peep #1 fills 'em up with potting mix.  She then soaks all that mix really well before squishin' it down - just a teeny bit - with her hand.  She usually gets her hands all dirty doin' this and then has to go wash 'em.  Like I said before, the peep messes stuff up really well.  She's even capable of messin' up herself!

The next step is to sprinkle the seeds on top of the potting mix.  I am not allowed to help with this part which I find to be extremely unfair.  Peep says the seeds are too small for me to be gettin' my paws in there.  I say, my paws are a whole lot smaller than the peep's hands and therefore I am much better suited to the task.  So far, the peep has not yet acquiesced on this point but give it time.  One day, I shall get my way.  I just know it.

The next step is to water in the seeds with some more water.  I don't know why it's called watering in.  Think the peep just says that to show off or somethin'.

Then she uses the marker to write the names of the primroses on plant tags and sets them down to dry.  This is another stage in which I am, unfairly, not allowed to participate.  She always mutters something about my getting permanent marker all over my paws but I think she's just makin' that up, too. Like I'm really gonna get that marker all over my paws.  MOUSES!

Once, my dad walked over the driveway right after the peep had put some sort of black stuff on it and before the black stuff had managed to dry.  Now that was a mess.  Then the peep had to take a wire brush to get the black stuff off the new brick pathway 'cause my dad had walked along that pathway right after walkin' over the not-yet-dry driveway.  A little bit of marker on my paws has NOTHIN' on driveway stuff paw prints all over a new brick pathway.  Peeps just like to make mountains out of mole hills, I think.  Always makin' somethin' out of nothin', they are.  MOUSES!

So the peep's next step is to cover the coffee tins and seeds with plastic wrap.  This is the best part of the whole show.  You ever watch a peep with plastic wrap?  PRICELESS.

Ol' Peepers can't manage plastic wrap usage to save her soul.  That plastic wrap outsmarts her every time.  It sticks where it shouldn't and never sticks where it should.  It gets all balled up and she has to pull it apart but if the pulling apart part proves too difficult, she has to start all over again. Then when she actually goes to tear it, it doesn't always tear.  Sometimes it just sort of pulls, gettin' thinner and thinner, holdin' on the rest of the wrap on the mother wrap roll for dear life.  That's usually about the time when I hear the peep cry, "MOUSES!"   I've even seen her stomp her feet in frustration.  Always a fun show to watch, for sure.  Almost as good as Bird TV.

Eventually, the peep manages to get two layers of plastic wrap over each of the coffee tins.  Then she wraps the electrical tape around the plastic wrap to secure it because, as everyone knows, plastic wrap never sticks to what it's supposed to stick.  Only sticks to everything else.  And somewhere in the wrappin' of the electrical tap, the plant tags get attached to the outside of the tins.

Well Ol' Peepers has planted up a dozen or more coffee tins with primrose seed and put 'em all out on the veranda.  Don't know what other peeps think when they come to my front door.  You have to admit, seein' rows of coffee tins by someone's front door is a pretty weird thing to see.  Well, I think it's weird.  Maybe peeps out there just find it to be normal.  Who knows, really.  Peeps do weird things all the time so maybe they're used to seein' other peeps doin' weird things, too.

I wanted to show you some pictures of the mess the peep made with her coffee tins and electrical tape but, to be honest, it was a mess and just looked weird.  Then I thought I might grab a couple of whisks and travel forward in time to get some pictures of me with the primroses when they're big enough to bloom.  But then I realised I didn't have to do any time travelin' for pictures 'cause I know the peep already has pictures of me with primroses, blooming in years past.  So I grabbed a few shots from the computer and put 'em up here on my blog.  Hope you like 'em.

I have to admit, the peep does grow some pretty primroses.  I can't wait 'til May when they're blooming again.  I'm gonna pose in them and have Ol' Peepers take my picture, I think.  Should be nice.  Pictures of me posin' in the primroses are always nice.  Don't you agree?

Sunday 2 March 2014

what can you do with a peep?

What can you do with a peep? NOTHIN'!  My peep is beyond totally useless.  I'd trade her in, in a heartbeat but, to be honest, I don't think anyone would take her.  MOUSES!

So once again, I am completely behind in the acceptin' of the awards and, once again, it is all the peep's fault.  I've said it before and I'll say it again... MOUSES!

Where do I start?  WHERE DO I START?  I know.  I'll start by explainin' that due to my first peep's total and complete incompetence, I have lost track of what rules go with which awards and am incredibly confused.

Confusion is not a state in which I like to be.  On the contrary, I like to be on top of things.  In control of my surroundings.  That peep of mine sure does have some explainin' to do.

And to make matters worse, tonight is the night of the Oscars.  I bet the peeps running the Oscars aren't a million and one years behind with their awards.  I bet the peeps runnin' the Oscars are a whole lot more responsible than my ol' Peep #1.  Too bad I couldn't teleport my peep over to California and do a little switch-a-roo.   Actually, I haven't completely ruled out the feasibility - or lack thereof - of that plan.  Too late for this year but perhaps I can work somethin' out for 2015.

Please forgive me but, I've gotta do it.  I'm gonna have to cheat a bit on this but please remember, it is all the peep's fault.  You see...  I know who gave me what.  I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with each award so I'm gonna kind of squish 'em all together and skip the business about my tellin' you all seven things about myself 'cause, quite frankly, there's not much new to tell.  That okay with everybody?  Sure do hope so 'cause that's just what I'm gonna do.

For each award, I will thank the blogger or bloggers who gave me it to me, addin' links to their blogs. Then I will pass said award along to three other bloggers.  I think this is gonna work.  I hope this is gonna work.  Paws crossed.  Let's see...

The lovely Beverly over at moggiepurrs awarded me with the Reader Appreciation Award.  I have received this award in the past but not with this pretty sunflower graphic so I figured I'd accept it again.  I've quite often admired this particular graphic and was somewhat envious of those who had it so I'm very happy to finally see it comin' my way.  Thank you so much Beverly!

And the Reader Appreciation Award goes to...
- Selina at One Eye on the Future
- Quinn at Catitude
- Purrla at Singapore Kitty


Beverly at moggiepurrs also presented me with The Most Creative Blog Award.  This is a very special award to receive 'cause I really do strive to be creative when I write my blog posts.  I like to look at things in different ways and whatnot. I like to mix it up a bit.  Sure is nice to have my efforts noticed.  Thank you so much Beverly for awardin' me with The Most Creative Blog Award.

And the winners of The Most Creative Blog Award are...
- Nellie & Kozmo at The Cat from Hell
- Herman at It's a Wonderpurr Life
- Cathy Keisha at Stunning Keisha


But Beverly of moggiepurrs didn't stop there.  By the way, have you read moggiepurrs?  It's an excellent blog, for sure.  Well worth visiting.

Beverly from moggiepurrs also honoured me with the amazin', Most Influential Blogger award.  Influential...  I like that!  I really like that a lot.  Influential...  I must remember to mention to the peep how other peeps find me to be influential.  I shall put that on my list of things to do tonight. Thank you very much Beverly for thinking of me as bein' influential and passing this award, my way.

And the Most Influential Blogger award goes to...
- Austin at CATachresis
- The Crew at Colehaus Cats
- Brian at Brian's Home


As you probably already know, it has been a long term goal of mine to have my blog read all around the world.  I have readers from six of the seven continents but so far, no penguins from Antarctica have shown up in my stats.  MOUSES!  After realizin' that Antarctic penguins don't read a lot, I set my sights on the International Space Station.  Disappointment, once more.  Not a single astronaut has read Nerissa's Life from up on the Space Station.  Can you believe it?  I've tried everythin' short of teleportin' on up there myself and keyin' in my blog's URL.  Gonna have to do that some day, for sure.  Maybe tomorrow...

But perhaps this lack of astronauts readin' my blog from the International Space Station will change now that I have been awarded the Best Blog Around the World award.  Surely astronauts will want to read a blog that has been honoured with the Best Blog Around the World award.  I have all paws crossed that this will make a world (hehehe...) of difference and make it so.

So it is with great pleasure that I accept The Best Blog Around the World award from my wonderful pal, Speedy. Thank you Speedy!  Speedy is the star of the world-famous blog, Speedy, the Cheeky House Bunny.  Have you read it yet?  You should.  You really, really should.

But then I was honoured a second time with this great award, The Best Blog Around the World.  My pals over at Owned by a Husky were also so kind as to present me with it.  It's really neat 'cause they live right here in Canada, just like me.  Sometimes, the world can be a very small place. Nice and cosy.  Yeah...  nice and cosy.  So I also wanna thank everyone over at Owned by a Husky for thinkin' nice things about Nerissa's Life and passin' this award on to me.  Thank you!

And the Best Blog Around the Word Award goes to...
- The Staff at Dash Kitten
- Savvy & Sage at Savannah's Paw Tracks
- Timmy at Tomcat Commentary by Tim


Finally, we have the Excellence Award.  I just love that big gold seal of approval that is this award of excellence.  What a pretty award this is, for sure.  Just kind of sparkles and shines and whatnot. Also, it's always nice to be told that other bloggers find your blog to be excellent.  Makes a kitty feel all warm and happy inside, you know?

My good friend Angel who writes the lovely - and it really is, lovely - blog, angelswhisper2011 kindly presented me with this Excellence award.  Thank you so much Angel.  I really appreciate receivin' this a lot.  It means a lot comin' from a blogger like you.

But I also want to thank my pals over at Owned by a Husky again 'cause they, too, gave me the Excellence award. Wonderful!  Thank you.  I appreciate it a lot.  Really, I do. I'm gettin' that warm, happy feelin' all over again, knowin' that great Canadian bloggers like yourselves are enjoyin' Nerissa's Life.

And the winners of the Excellence award are...
- Spitty at Spitty Speaks
- Sammy at onespoiledcat
- Kitties Blue at The Cat on my Head


So that brings me to the end of my list of awards...  for now.  Yes, you heard that right.  Or should that be rightly?

Anywho...  no sooner am I caught up but I'm already behind.  Again, it's all the peep's fault, for sure. It's always all the peep's fault, you see.  You know my motto...  When in doubt, blame the peep.  Works for me.  MOUSES!