Sunday, 7 September 2014

not another one

You have got to be kidding.  Not another one. Really?  I've got those things comin' out of my ears, already.  Enough is enough.  Boy-oh-boy...

No, I do not have ear mites.  MOUSES!

So you're probably all wonderin' just what is comin' out of my ears.  Well actually, I was sort of speakin' figuratively 'cause really, there's nothin' in my ears at all.  My ears are as clean as a whistle.  So clean I could hear a whistle from a mile away. That is, if someone was whistlin' and I wanted to hear 'em.

But I am currently experiencing an infestation of sorts. It's my e-mail.  My e-mail has become infested with scammers.  Not spammers...  scammers.  MOUSES!

Let me tell you, peeps out there must think I was born yesterday or somethin'.  Well I wasn't.  I'm almost eleven-and-a-half years old, you know.  I was born almost eleven-and-a-half-years ago.  That's not yesterday.  That's not yesterday at all.  That's way more than yesterday.  It's almost eleven-and-a-half years more than yesterday.  Again I must say, MOUSES!

I can't tell you how many letters I've received from lawyers who have tracked me down on behalf of their clients.  And when I say that I can't tell you, I really do mean that I can't.  I can't tell you how many.  There are an awful lot of 'em, you see, and at some point I just stopped countin'.

Anywho...  apparently, I am the long-lost relative of cats from all over the world.  What's more, all of these relatives of mine have been leavin' me huge sums of money in their wills.  It's really quite amazin'.  Who out there knew that so many cats could be so wealthy?

That's right, I've got uncles and great uncles and maybe even great-great-great uncles all leavin' me money in their wills.  Uncles from far, far away.  Their lawyers have all tracked me down to my little abode here in Nova Scotia, beggin' me to accept my inheritances.

Hmmm...  I wonder if all these lawyers know that I'm a cat.  MOUSES!

If they were legit, they would.  Since I am a cat, it stands to reason that my uncles, great uncles and great-great-great uncles would be cats, as well.  Yup, that makes sense to me.

And workin' backwards, if one of my great-great-great uncles were to hire one of these lawyers to track me down, that lawyer would see that his client was a cat.  And he should be able to figure out that any descendants of his client who was a cat, would also be cats.  So thinkin' about it like that, he really should be aware that I, Nerissa the Cat, am a cat. MOUSES!

The odd thing is that from their letters, I'm pretty sure that not a single one of these lawyers is aware of my feline characteristics.  I'm kinda thinkin' that they all think that I, Nerissa the Cat, am a peep. MOUSES!

It makes me wonder just where they attended law school.  Clearly it was a school that did not offer courses in biology.

Or maybe they never actually went to law school, at all.  They could be weasels.  Weasels dress up as all sorts of things and try to pass themselves of as reputable peeps.  I once knew a weasel who... Nah, that's another story for another day, I'm afraid.

So back to the scammers.  These scarmmin' weasels, claimin' to be lawyers, are all after one thing. What that thing is, I'm not entirely sure.  Since I've never responded to any of their e-mails, they've never had the chance to tell me but I'm thinkin' that whatever it is, it's not good.

Or actually, it probably is good and that's why they want it.  Somethin' I don't wanna lose.  They could be after my pen collection.  You know, the one I keep under the refrigerator.  I have some valuable vintage 2006 disposable pens in that collection.  They could be after those, for sure.  Or maybe nip.  They might be tryin' to steal all my nip mice.  They might want my wand toys, too. Whatever they're after, they're not gettin' it.  I refuse to be scammed by the scammers.  I simply refuse.

Some of the scammers are supposedly businessmen.  They wanna set up business ventures and they all wanna set 'em up with me.  I must be far better known in the business world than I had realised.

The scammers will supply the cash and the idea and I'm supposed to supply somethin' else.  I'm not sure what that somethin' else is, though.  Probably my reputation.  If not that, nip.  One will never know for sure because let me tell you, I've got my paws full with business ventures of my own. Between my blog, working on further developments in eggbeater-whisk time travelling-teleportation technology and figuring out how to start investin' in nip futures, I don't need any more business ventures comin' my way.  My plate is already full so unless you're talkin' grilled tuna, I'm not interested.

But just the other day, these scammin' scammers started somethin' new.  They must have heard that I have a very empathetic heart and figured that if they gave me a good ol' sob story, I'd fall for it.

WELL THEY THOUGHT WRONG.  Actually they thought wrongly but we'll hope the GP - grammar police - don't pick up on that one.

Anywho...  those scammin' scammers thought they'd fool me with the ol' when-my-husband-died-he-left-me-his-estate-and-now-that-I'm-dying-I-must-find-an-honest-and-kind-soul-to-put-his-estate-to-good-use-and-since-I-can't-trust-my-children-my-lawyer-instructed-me-to-write-to-you story.

Yeah, well I'm not buyin' it, lady.  Firstly, from your letter it was very obvious that you were oblivious to the fact that I'm a cat.  If you don't know that I'm a cat, you clearly don't know me.  So how do you know that I'm an honest and kind soul?  I actually am, but you don't know that.  You probably say that to all the cats to whom you write.  MOUSES!

And secondly...  Hmmm...  Uh...

Actually I'm not sure what the second part is but I do know that I'm pretty darned sure that your story isn't true and I'm not buyin' it for a second.  Not even a nanosecond.

Bottom line is, I'm bein' beleaguered by scammers thinkin' they can scam me and I'm not happy 'bout it at all.  The nerve!  Thinkin' they can pull the wool over my eyes but I, Nerissa the Cat, will not allow that.  I'm more then willin' to play hide-and-seek with a wool blanket but that's the only wool you're gonna be pullin' over these eyes.  These eyes will not be fooled.  Not ever.  Never.  So once more I say... MOUSES!

35 comments:

  1. We feel your pain, Nissy : we receive that kind of email too, we have the same opinion as you, and you describe it purrfectly ! Purrs

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  2. Get out a hammer and smack each scammer, with broken fingers they can' email you lol

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  3. You are a very wise kitty, Nissy...stick to your guns there buddy! Too bad that they are bothering you with theese "hogwash", but they are messing with the wrong cat for sure!

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    1. They really are 'cause when I'm appointed to the Senate, I'm gonna do somethin' about 'em. purrs

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  4. Do you get theese E-mails too ??!!
    I thought it was only me *mol*

    XOXO

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  5. I swear to God, the "spam" folder in my email is like the Twilight Zone.

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  6. We have the same problem Nerissa. If we had a nickel for every time we won the lottery or got a huge inheritance, we would be rich!

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  7. We get those scammers sending us emails too.

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  8. We hear ya Nissy!
    We get those types too :/
    Too bad we cannot e-mail poop back to them ;)
    heh,heh,heh
    Purrs Georgia and Julie,
    Treasure and JJ

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  9. Sparkle got some of those crazy emails too - my email is really new, so they haven't discovered me yet. Which is good because I'm still a kitten, and while I'm smarter than the average almost-six month old kitty, I still have a lot to learn!

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  10. You know what Nerissa? I'll bet the mice have something to do with it...MOUSES!

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  11. OMC Yous got scammers Nissy? Weez had a foo of those in ow time too, but like yous weez just not wespond to them. But mommy sez they be out fur munny. Yep, they want gween papers to send yous sum gween papers. Seems to me ifin they owe yous munny yous shuldn't hav to pay 'em to get it wight? Oh well, good luck wiff yous scammers Nissy.

    Pee Ess Meez suwe hope yous gettin' meez comments.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi

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    1. Yup, I always get your comments, Dezi. I have comment moderation on. That's why there's a delay. purrs

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  12. Wow, Luckily they haven't found me yet. I am sure it is just a matter of time......

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  13. We even get those letters, and lots are written in foreign languages. We only read cat. The ones that come with all the little characters made up of lines are most frustrating. We just put a paw on the DELETE button and move on. XO, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

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  14. We get those too, dey are pretty nuts.

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  15. We don't even bother with these scammers, Nissy. They're just not worth the time.

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  16. we get those too and wonder who on earth responds? MOUSES what a scary thought.

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  17. Wow! You have a vintage pen collection-very cool. Sorry about the scammers, there are a lot of bad people in this world.Good thing there are no bad cats- you guys make the world a better place.

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  18. Why don't they simply send a box of cash? Way simpler...

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  19. You're one smart cat. I once got an email from a friend who said she was in Wales and her passport, money had been stolen. Really interesting because I'd shared a cup of tea with her less than a half hour before in Siwtzerland.

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  20. We feel your pain Nissy! Those scammers must think we all fell off the turnip truck (if in fact turnips travel via truck!).......we're not nearly as dumb as they'd like us to be....but we just can't believe there are so many out there! We just laugh and move on.....but there are those who get stuck in the web of deceit and those people we truly feel sorry for.

    Hugs, Sammy

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  21. When Mum sees these dropping into our in box she deletes them without even opening them! It doesn't stop them coming again and again and again though!!
    Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

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  22. We never get spam ,not even the stuff that comes in tins.
    The REAL Maple Syrup Mob xxxxx

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  23. Scammers!!! Terrible! SO sorry you are getting bombarded, Nissy. Not cool. Not cool at all! Perhaps you should send them a scammy email right back!

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  24. Hey, our mom is being deluged with spam email too! Background checks, car warranties, home loans, etc.... mom says we went from six spams a day to one hundred and six two weeks ago. She sure wishes there was a way to collect green papers for every one of those spammers! Grrr....

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  25. Bloody, oblivious scammers!!! They just looooove bombarding the emails, don't they? Hmmpphhf! xo, Miss D.

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  26. Funny thing, Nissy I get those scammy spammy emails too, but mostly they want to sell me little blue pills and errr ... other things to enhance my life and errr ... anatomy!! MOUSES!!!

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  27. Man, they really are a pain in the ass - what a bunch of loonies. Thing is some people are either plain stupid or greedy... so these guys keep winning and keep on coming back.

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  28. We get all that junk, too, Nissy! We always delete without opening them, yet the deluge continues. Some of the titles make us laugh they are so bad.

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  29. Those spammy scammers are the worst, mama's spam box is full almost every morning. She just deletes them but sometimes reads the titles for laughs. We wishes they would go away.

    Do you really think they might be after our 'nip mice? Shudders!

    Kisses,
    Cindi Lou & The Kitty Krew

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  30. It's a darn good thing you is such a furry smart kitty Nerissa. Some kitties just might be taken in by these scammers, especially the sob story!

    Mom bean says she gets lots of spam mails too, but no one wants to give her money, just man part enlargers. MOL

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

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  31. Oh those spammy scammers - enough is enough. We are truly sick of them too!

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