Wednesday, 26 March 2014

spam-o-magnet

This mornin', I find myself at a crossroads.  I'm tryin' to decide what to do.  I'm wonderin' if it's time to take apart the ol' computer.  Dismantle the whole thing, piece by piece, bit by bit.  During this period of dismantling, of course, I would be completely unable to blog.

You're probably all wonderin' why I'm thinkin' about takin' apart my computer especially when, as you know, I'm never gonna know how to put it back together again.  That's pretty much a given.  That bein' the case, this would likely be my very last blog post which would be extremely sad for me 'cause just yesterday, I passed the ol' hundred thousand hit mark.  Could this be the very last post on Nerissa's Life?  Could this be the end?

MOUSES!  I can't let that happen.

Okay, here's the thing.  I'm thinkin' that there's a tin of Spam lodged somewhere in my computer and I'm worried that if it accidentally gets opened or somethin' while stuck in my computer, it's gonna stink up the whole place, for sure.  I don't know exactly where it is and goodness knows I have no idea how it got in there in the first place but I think it must be in there somewhere.  You see, my computer appears to have become a bit of a spam-o-magnet, as of late.

Hmmm... Maybe there isn't any Spam in my computer.  Maybe there's some kind of magnet.  A magnet that attracts Spam?

Or maybe the Spam and the magnet aren't in my computer at all.  Maybe they're in me.  I don't think I ate any Spam.  I would remember that, I am sure.  Did I accidentally eat a magnet?  What exactly do magnets taste like?  Do they taste like Spam?  Actually, I've never eaten Spam.  What does Spam taste like?  Does anyone out there know?

I wonder if Mr. Anonymous Spam knows...

Yes, Mr. Anonymous Spam is back and by gosh golly he's in fine form.  He's an extremely prolific writer, you know.  It's true.  Every day he sends me a dozen or so comments 'bout all sorts of things.  He seems to have somewhat varied interests.

Quite often, the ol' spammer is tryin' to sell me shoes.  I, being a cat, don't wear shoes.  I know...  there was that cat named Puss-in-Boots who wore boots but boots aren't shoes and I'm Nerissa, not Puss-in-Boots.

Did you know that Peep #1 had a cat named Puss-in-Boots when she was just a little kitten, herself?  She did.  I have no idea if he actually wore boots or not.  The peep has never said.

Puss-in-Boots might have worn boots though 'cause I've heard he used to go for walks around the block with the peep.  Yup, it's true.  He used to follow her around like a little puppy but he was all cat.  After all, his name was Puss-in-Boots.  Bet if the Internet had been around way back then in the long-lost and ancient times of my peep's kittenhood, Puss-in-Boots would have had a blog.  Yup, I bet he would, for sure.  And if he had had a blog, maybe he would have bought some shoes from Anonymous Spam.  Or maybe some boots.

But I digress.  Back to the spammer.

Sometimes Mr. Anonymous Spam is tryin' to sell me shoes and sometimes he's tryin' to sell me handbags.  As a MANcat, I don't carry a handbag.  MOUSES!

And if not sellin' shoes or handbags, he's tryin' to sell me on some sort of cheating thing.  Somethin' to do with a video game, I think.  I, Nerissa the Cat, am a respectable cat.  I am not a cheater. No way the spammer is ever gonna sell me on something for cheating.  MOUSES!

When Ol' Spammy-spam-spam is not playin' the shoe salesman or the king of cheats, he's tryin' to sell me pills that no self-respectin' neutered cat is ever gonna need.  Does he not read my blog? Does he not realise that I'm a cat?  Does he not know that I've been neutered?  Again I say... MOUSES!

But yes, apparently Anonymous does read my blog 'cause he's often givin' me advice as to how I should write it.  Sometimes he tells me my blog would be more interesting if there were more pictures or maybe a video.  Other times, he tells me I have too many videos which is interesting 'cause I almost never have videos on my blog.  I'm not sure if I've even had one paw's worth of videos in my two years of blogging.  How can one paw's worth of videos be too many videos?  Besides, everyone loves a good video.  MOUSES!

And ol' Anonymous tells me that I entitle my blog posts extremely poorly.  He thinks a lot more peeps would read my blog if I had better titles.  More interestin' titles.  He's always givin' me advice on writing titles.  I kind of think my titles are okay but maybe they're not.  Maybe they're borin' like the ol' spammer says.  Maybe I should work on writing better titles.  Or maybe not.

Perhaps I should get Mr. Spam to write my titles.  He has, in fact, offered to write my blog!  I had to explain to him that I, Nerissa the Cat, write all my own stuff.  That's kind of why the blog is called Nerissa's Life.  It's the story of MY life. How could someone else possibly write the story of my life? MOUSES!

When the spambigator isn't tellin' me how to improve my blog, he's tellin' me it's great.  Tellin' me he loves my blog and loves my writing.  Wondering how I'm not more famous than I already am.  

And he says that he learns a lot from readin' Nerissa's Life.  He often comments that he was lookin' for more information on the very subjects about which I write.  Apparently, he has been in search of information regarding egg beater-whisk time travelling-teleportation physics but then, hasn't everyone?  MOUSES!

He must have a lot of questions 'bout this science 'cause he's always wantin' to contact me.  Do I have an e-mail address?  Do I have a twitter account?  Am I on Facebook?  Ummm...  yes, yes and yes.  He's always wantin' me to contact him with this information although, if he took a good look at my blog, he'd be able to contact me easily enough.  I'm not sure he's very good at lookin' for stuff, if you know what I mean.

And sometimes...  sometimes Mr. Anonymous Spam leaves me messages in code.  Very exciting. Why, he left a coded message for me just last night.  Yes, sometimes his comments are a jumble of words.  They're all mixed up in weird ways and make absolutely no sense at all as I have not yet managed to decipher the code but I'm workin' on it!  If anyone can figure out this code, it is I.  You can be sure of that, for sure.

But I think the best comment the spammer has ever left on my blog was the one he left about a week ago.  Mr. Anonymous Spam says he accidentally clicked on a box askin' to be notified by e-mail whenever anyone else leaves a comment on that particular post and now, every time someone leaves a comment, he's bein' bombarded with multiple, identical e-mails.  Well, I took a look at the post in question.  It's over a year old and the only person who ever leaves comments on it is - you guessed it - Mr. Anonymous Spam, himself.  So, if there is any truth to his statement at all, I, Nerissa the Cat, have managed to accidentally spam the spammer.  EXCELLENT.  I've gotta do that more often, I should think.

So there you have it.  Mr. Anonymous Spam is spammin' full-out.  There's a tin of Spam stuck somewhere in my computer tryin' to get out or my magnetic personality is acting as a spam-o-magnet.  Either way, I've gotta figure out how to shake the spammer 'cause if I don't, I shall be forced to write yet another blog post about the spamified spambigator, inventin' even more words containin' the letters s, p, a and m and goodness knows, no one really wants that.

What to do...  What to do...   MOUSES!

34 comments:

  1. Spam. Peep say they hate it but then why do so many have it? Fact: Our peeps once kept a particular tin of Spam for 17 years! Why? We may never know. Purrs...

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  2. Oh Mr. Spamalot has been bugging me a lot too. I love when he talks about the exellent information he finds on my Wordless Wednesday posts, hee hee

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  3. Darn spam. It's all humans!
    We kitties would never do that,only stoopid humans!
    Maybe do not allow anonymous comments?
    Purrs Georgia and Julie,
    Treasure, JJ
    and Angels Tiger and Tillie

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  4. Hehehehe I get loads to but they go in to the spam bin and mummy just deletes the lot with out reading them,thats the best thing to do have them deleted with out reading them,xx Speedy

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  5. Totally enjoyed this post. That anonymous sure is confused, cause he (or she, to be fair) sends me stuff in foreign languages, offering to teach me foreign languages (so I can read what they are sending me?), enhancing my anatomy for the ladies (hey, I'm a girlcat and I like boycats), Hot women (once again, I'm a girlcat...), Filing for unemployment, disability, maid service, getting funeral expenses covered (is this a murder threat?), and this week, paying me monies to write my blog for me, and pick advertising to put on it (no thanks, leave my blog alone, it is MINE), shoe sales, homes for sale, would I like to go to college (no thanks. Mommy did that for me), would my children like to go to college (I don't even know if I HAD children). Whew, Spam is certainly busy irritating us, isn't he/she!

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  6. mom says spam don't taste so good. we don't get much (thankfully) but mom says not allowing anony-mous comments helps (plus she has some moderator that reads our comments first after 2 days).

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  7. Sadly, we can't let people post as anonymous anymore because of Mr. Spam. It's hard but something we had to do for our own sanity.

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  8. Um... Niss? You been chatting wif dat Spammer dood? He's probably some lonely guy living in his parents basement. He's probably frustrated that they won't let him have his own blog, so he's trying to write on yours. You know, in Gmail they have section tabs. I get Anonymous Spam too, but I check them boxes and send them into Oblivion without even reading them. Kinda think maybe that's what you need to do too, buddy. Just saying...

    By the way... CONCATULATIONS on reaching 100,000!

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  9. dood...conga ratz on yur 1000000000 th post furst off, thurd, a halibutt in de hard drive will drive out any spam which tastez knot two good by de way even if fried or seered with toona and BRAVO for spammin de spammin spammer !!!!!

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  10. hmmmm...maybe you should turn your egg-beater techno know-how to building a spam filter!

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  11. Spamming the spammer? That could be a rap song...or hip hop..or something.
    The REAL Maple Syrup Mob xxxxx

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  12. Congrats on 1000000 hits that is fabulous.

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  13. I suggest you utilize the "delete" button. How rude of Mr. Anonymous to tell you how write you blog. It is YOUR blog. Write it however you like to write. People who don't like it, won't stop by - and good riddance to them. Stay awesome Nerissa! :)

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  14. Wow, one hundred thousand hits, we want to congratulate you Nerissa, we are impressed!! We think dat spammer is impressed too.

    Good to hear your power is back on and hope this blizzard moves on soon. Although from the sounds outside, it is not done yet!

    Mindy
    Moe
    Cookie
    Mike

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  15. PS Aren't you glad you don't live in this lighthouse?

    http://www.novascotiawebcams.com/south-shore/peggys-cove-lighthouse.html

    Team Tabby

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  16. Mommy had to put that little check box at the end of our posts so you can let us know you ain't no stoopid spammer. It really has worked except around the holidays when we were gettin' all those shoes, handbags, etc. spams. We were gettin' tons of them written in Chinese or Japanese characters. We don't even tea this kind of writ in'. Mom has to read it to us! Once Christmas was over, they have stopped. So we think the title of the blog is magn-ificent. So are some of those 100,000 hits from the spaminator? Good luck gettin' rid of that hooligan. XO, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

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  17. Congrats on that big number pal! Fortunately on word press there are some great plugin so my spam finally went goodbye! I feel your pain, spam isn't very tasty.

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  18. We hope you get the spam to go away and can write another 100 000 posts.

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  19. Nerissa what a spamfest you are having..for some reason most of the spam i get is on posts starring Dinnermintz...as a ginger female feline i know she is rare but i don;t see how she would have spam about ladyboys....yes....ladyboys....i think she may like shoes and handbags but ladyboys bwahahha oh dear Mr spam needs to have his tin lid peeled back and sent packin hugs Fozziemum xxx

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  20. Concatulations on your 100000 ! Spam sucks, that's true. Our blog is on WordPress ; Mum doesn't allow anonymous comments and enable something like first comment moderation : she has to allow the first comment of anyone to let him commenting after that. And she uses Akismet as spam filter, and it's just great ! We hope that Blogger has similar features to help you. Purrs

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  21. Only you could spam the spammer - that is why I salute you!!

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  22. Gosh Nissy.....that spam guy gets around.....we have an amazing array of strange spam on my blog too - sometimes in foreign languages - maybe even alien languages (!!)......I have become pretty good at just hitting DELETE DELETE DELETE and never even look at all the junk mail. Mom does that with her mail too.......it's not spam but the same thing - JUNK - so it goes right in the garbage can unopened. You'd think that after a while these spamsters would get the message and leave us alone wouldn't you??? MOUSES!!!!

    Hugs, Sam

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  23. Aw poor Niss! I haven't had any troubles from Mr. Spam as of yet! And i do not look forward to ever seeing or meeting him!
    Congrats on 100,000 hits!!!!! WOW!! Thats amazing! Good for you! BTW your titles are GREAT! And you always have great photo's! And I don't think I have barely seen videos on your blog at all!! BOL Ah well, sorry I can't help with your spammy problem! Good luck though!
    ღ husky hugz ღ frum our pack at Love is being owned by a husky!

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  24. Mr. Anonymous Spam guy has visited us too!
    We know it's him because nothing he says ever relates to what was in the post and like you say, he always comments from a post that is pretty old.. Maybe he's just a lonely guy?????

    Noodle

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  25. Oh Nissy, first of all, congratulations on 100,000 hits, that is incredible! As for spam, we feel your pain. We used to get so much until a few months ago we purchased a service for like $12/year that takes care of it and it really saves us a ton of headaches. I can look it up if you want more details since I can't remember now!

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  26. Mr Spam is always telling me I need sunglasses recently. He wants to know what platform I blog on - big clue to that one in the url!
    If you managed to spam Mr Spam (I think he's probably fibbing) then I think you deserve some tuna!

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  27. Spamming the spammer! I very much like the idea. I have some myself, most of the time in english. Strange as my blog is in french. But they go directly in "spam". In fact all anonymous comment goes directly in "spam".
    Ronrons
    Hisia

    PS : Please Nissy, dont dismentle your computer. You need it to blog. If you do that we will miss you ...

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  28. Yup, I agree with Sammy. That DELETE button is purrfect. And my computer has this magical thing called a Spam-o-catcher. It just catches all that Spam and then i only have to hit DELETE once and 'whooosh' away it all goes. Although I wonder...this Michael Kors dude...with all those ladies handbags..wonder if he likes Spamster using his name like that???

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  29. Mr. (or Ms.)Spam doesn't seem to visit Us much, but he visits Our Human's Blog quite a lot, so she enabled "comment moderation". Besides which, Her blog is on Wordpress and they seem to have pretty good anti-Spam protection.

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  30. Yow Nerissa: Okayz DO NOT PANICK!!! Ferst NEBER answer a Spammer email...neber!!! Alwayz delete. Dey are deleted once ya hit da button.
    Now da next fing to do iz not dizmantle da puter yerself!! Oh NOSE!!
    As intellygent as ya iz deze puterz are all sproingz n itty bitty partz n diodez n stuff...ask yer Hu'manz to take yer puter into da Puter Docktur! We haz one here n he iz furabuluss...me iz shure ya will have a few where ya iz too. So get yer Hu'Man to take dda puter in fer a fizzical n a speshell PC Dock will bee able to clean da puter n kick out any lingerin Spam.....
    It mayz bee sum gree papurrz butt much better den buyin a whole new puter rite, rite???
    We get a bit of Spam on WP but Mum deletez n iz no prublem. Mum'z email haz some Spam filter on so all of da shoe sellin, breast enhancement, Viagara pushing Spammerz go rite into da cyburr baskit n Mum doez one big delete n 'bye-bye' Spam!
    So dat iz how to deel wif Mr. Spam..
    As fer Sapn da oof (we used da term loose like); Mum sayz it taztez like hammy ccat food....say Mum pass me sum Spam pleeze!!!!!! ;)
    Lub Nylablue n Sherriellen Mum too xoxoxo

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  31. Oh hello! I've been to reading your most excellent posting of blog today. We could not agree more! Thank's very many for this article. We really resonate with its posting! By the way, did you know I am in the business of handbag stitching? Please kindly visit to see more of my work! - Love, Spam Crepes.

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    Replies
    1. So you know Mr. Spam, then. You do a GREAT impurrsonation. purrs

      Delete
  32. Oh that Spammy is one busy guy. He torments our human all the time in her emails and he is always suggesting rude things that we need for our blog... Seriously, as if with all the homeless kitties in the world, they need to be taking Viagra to make more kitties... Makes us mad.... Purrs from the Zee and Zoey Gang!

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  33. well WE think mister Spam has multiple purrsonality issues! MOL!!

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